Always feeling disconnected.

[RainAndSadness]

I'm not sure what's wrong with me, or maybe I'm completely right for once in my life, who knows - and maybe I'm not the only one experiencing this, but I have extremely low confidence when I interact with people in general - to the point where it feels distorted. Not just when I interact with people in the real world, which can be explained with social anxiety, which is something I'm suffering from since my early childhood but it even haunts me in online interactions. I feel very socially awkward and I feel like I can't give any helpful advice to people at all, despite all the dirt I've walked through in my life. I'm extremely terrible at conversation and I kinda try to avoid them, for the protection of other people. My social skills in general have been terribly decreasing in the last few years, especially when compared to the past. It used to be different years ago. And even in this forum, a place that makes me feel very comfortable, I feel like an outsider, like someone who is watching from far away, rather than a participating member of this forum. Sometimes I just feel way too awkward. I even think people hate me. I'm not sure if this is based on any logical conclusion, it doesn't seem like that, but I guess it's a result of my past experiences in school, all the bullying shattered any confidence when interacting with humans and I think the constant isolation only made it worse for me. And I generally think I'm terrible person with a terrible personality anyway. I feel like people dislike me for no reason, even when I never interacted with them properly. It feels like people can see right through me, and instantly detect how rotten I am. And even when I post something, I instantly feel sorry because I worry that I annoy people or take away more important space/focus for other replies and more important posts in this forum. And it literally makes me stop posting sometimes because I'm worried that my presence is annoying. And when I do take breaks, which also often is connected to my depression, I'm sometimes not sure if I should return at all because in my head, everyone is just grunting at me anyway. I know, at least I think, that this is probably paranoia and not really an objective observation of the situation. But maybe I'm making myself more important than I am, which would basically imply the opposite. Like, in reality, nobody is probably thinking too much at my posts. Not sure. Long story short, I feel like my self confidence is basically zero and when I post, and I look back at my posts, I'm cringing at myself, basically throwing my hands in the air , asking myself "what have you done?!" and it's annoying. I guess I'm just trying to fit in and I'm really bad at that.

 

[MourningHeart]

I'm not sure what's wrong with me, or maybe I'm completely right for once in my life, who knows - and maybe I'm not the only one experiencing this, but I have extremely low confidence when I interact with people in general - to the point where it feels distorted. Not just when I interact with people in the real world, which can be explained with social anxiety, which is something I'm suffering from since my early childhood but it even haunts me in online interactions. I feel very socially awkward and I feel like I can't give any helpful advice to people at all, despite all the dirt I've walked through in my life. I'm extremely terrible at conversation and I kinda try to avoid them, for the protection of other people. My social skills in general have been terribly decreasing in the last few years, especially when compared to the past. It used to be different years ago. And even in this forum, a place that makes me feel very comfortable, I feel like an outsider, like someone who is watching from far away, rather than a participating member of this forum. Sometimes I just feel way too awkward. I even think people hate me. I'm not sure if this is based on any logical conclusion, it doesn't seem like that, but I guess it's a result of my past experiences in school, all the bullying shattered any confidence when interacting with humans and I think the constant isolation only made it worse for me. And I generally think I'm terrible person with a terrible personality anyway. I feel like people dislike me for no reason, even when I never interacted with them properly. It feels like people can see right through me, and instantly detect how rotten I am. And even when I post something, I instantly feel sorry because I worry that I annoy people or take away more important space/focus for other replies and more important posts in this forum. And it literally makes me stop posting sometimes because I'm worried that my presence is annoying. And when I do take breaks, which also often is connected to my depression, I'm sometimes not sure if I should return at all because in my head, everyone is just grunting at me anyway. I know, at least I think, that this is probably paranoia and not really an objective observation of the situation. But maybe I'm making myself more important than I am, which would basically imply the opposite. Like, in reality, nobody is probably thinking too much at my posts. Not sure. Long story short, I feel like my self confidence is basically zero and when I post, and I look back at my posts, I'm cringing at myself, basically throwing my hands in the air , asking myself "what have you done?!" and it's annoying. I guess I'm just trying to fit in and I'm really bad at that.

Im very sorry for you. But do not worry, for at least you're definitely not alone, feeling like this. Your words mirror 99% of myself and i can totally understand what you mean. It is okay for you to write here, dont be shy. You can use this place to talk about all of your problems in public threads or private messages. Im sure a lot of people want to talk to you. Please feel hugged

 

[The Warm Industry]

My self-confidence ran dry long time ago. I just got used to stop thinking about everything I do and everything people do or care.

And look, you'll always fit in here. We are here to listen and care for what you're feeling. And you don't have to prove something to me or to yourself. I believe in you. And I know you can do it great.

 

[Broken Chimera]

I feel exactly like that. Most of the time I'm avoiding people like they have the plague. Here it's similar, like I'd write a post only to erase it. I'm trying to break out of that but it feels hopeless.

 

[Not_Quite_Dead_Yet]

Like, in reality, nobody is probably thinking too much at my posts. Not sure. Long story short, I feel like my self confidence is basically zero and when I post, and I look back at my posts, I'm cringing at myself, basically throwing my hands in the air , asking myself "what have you done?!" and it's annoying. I guess I'm just trying to fit in and I'm really bad at that.

Your posts have given me so much to think about. Your self-confidence should be soaring for all the insight and empathy you have shown others here. I have always felt like a misfit, like an outsider looking in, , so I get what you are expressing. tbh, you have always been one of the insiders here at whom I marveled. Weird how our minds distort our perception of how others experience us.

 

[_Minsk]

Feeling exactly the same, i wonder too why we have such hard time.. the only answers i could gather together are being very introverted, basically this whole society we live in is designed for extroverts.. another reason might be the fact that we're very low on the emotional scale which acts like an magnet for negative experiences, low self esteem, hard time relating to others and so on.. i noticed this thing you describe with looking at older posts and being ashamed too in myself and it sucks, also feeling like rewriting everything to not be perceived as weird, trying all to not get judged(i think this plays a big role).. it makes me feel like i must have been drunk in the past all the time.. when i feel good i tend to see things different, im not that hard on myself, socializing feels easier and things go smooth, but when im down i tend to question everything.. its sad and not fair at all, i can relate a lot to what you posted ..

 

[Soulless_Angel]

I wanted to comment saying I could have written your post word for word, but never would for fear of negativity hitting my direction. Then I read through comments and realised it's almost a normal feeling for some of us here.
I see some people post constantly with amazing advice and shit, and Im like why do I bother, I can NEVER give what these people are giving, i am pointless, I just lurk and pop in and out, whilst praying I annoy no one with my prescence! esp when it seems everyone knows each other (as well as you can on this kinda forum!) I struggle with conversation full stop to the point I avoid it any were at all! just no! nope noepty nope

 

[aramir]

I'm not sure what's wrong with me, or maybe I'm completely right for once in my life, who knows - and maybe I'm not the only one experiencing this, but I have extremely low confidence when I interact with people in general - to the point where it feels distorted. Not just when I interact with people in the real world, which can be explained with social anxiety, which is something I'm suffering from since my early childhood but it even haunts me in online interactions. I feel very socially awkward and I feel like I can't give any helpful advice to people at all, despite all the dirt I've walked through in my life. I'm extremely terrible at conversation and I kinda try to avoid them, for the protection of other people. My social skills in general have been terribly decreasing in the last few years, especially when compared to the past. It used to be different years ago. And even in this forum, a place that makes me feel very comfortable, I feel like an outsider, like someone who is watching from far away, rather than a participating member of this forum. Sometimes I just feel way too awkward. I even think people hate me. I'm not sure if this is based on any logical conclusion, it doesn't seem like that, but I guess it's a result of my past experiences in school, all the bullying shattered any confidence when interacting with humans and I think the constant isolation only made it worse for me. And I generally think I'm terrible person with a terrible personality anyway. I feel like people dislike me for no reason, even when I never interacted with them properly. It feels like people can see right through me, and instantly detect how rotten I am. And even when I post something, I instantly feel sorry because I worry that I annoy people or take away more important space/focus for other replies and more important posts in this forum. And it literally makes me stop posting sometimes because I'm worried that my presence is annoying. And when I do take breaks, which also often is connected to my depression, I'm sometimes not sure if I should return at all because in my head, everyone is just grunting at me anyway. I know, at least I think, that this is probably paranoia and not really an objective observation of the situation. But maybe I'm making myself more important than I am, which would basically imply the opposite. Like, in reality, nobody is probably thinking too much at my posts. Not sure. Long story short, I feel like my self confidence is basically zero and when I post, and I look back at my posts, I'm cringing at myself, basically throwing my hands in the air , asking myself "what have you done?!" and it's annoying. I guess I'm just trying to fit in and I'm really bad at that.

I relate so much to what you are saying , and I agree when you mentioned that early bullying could be the cause; I also had to deal with incessant harassment in middle/high school by both students and some teachers which I think resulted in me doubting every single interaction I have and having this feeling that people will hate you for no reason because that's what our experience as a child taught us.

 

[Nozzlehead]

I'm not sure what's wrong with me, or maybe I'm completely right for once in my life, who knows - and maybe I'm not the only one experiencing this, but I have extremely low confidence when I interact with people in general - to the point where it feels distorted. Not just when I interact with people in the real world, which can be explained with social anxiety, which is something I'm suffering from since my early childhood but it even haunts me in online interactions. I feel very socially awkward and I feel like I can't give any helpful advice to people at all, despite all the dirt I've walked through in my life. I'm extremely terrible at conversation and I kinda try to avoid them, for the protection of other people. My social skills in general have been terribly decreasing in the last few years, especially when compared to the past. It used to be different years ago. And even in this forum, a place that makes me feel very comfortable, I feel like an outsider, like someone who is watching from far away, rather than a participating member of this forum. Sometimes I just feel way too awkward. I even think people hate me. I'm not sure if this is based on any logical conclusion, it doesn't seem like that, but I guess it's a result of my past experiences in school, all the bullying shattered any confidence when interacting with humans and I think the constant isolation only made it worse for me. And I generally think I'm terrible person with a terrible personality anyway. I feel like people dislike me for no reason, even when I never interacted with them properly. It feels like people can see right through me, and instantly detect how rotten I am. And even when I post something, I instantly feel sorry because I worry that I annoy people or take away more important space/focus for other replies and more important posts in this forum. And it literally makes me stop posting sometimes because I'm worried that my presence is annoying. And when I do take breaks, which also often is connected to my depression, I'm sometimes not sure if I should return at all because in my head, everyone is just grunting at me anyway. I know, at least I think, that this is probably paranoia and not really an objective observation of the situation. But maybe I'm making myself more important than I am, which would basically imply the opposite. Like, in reality, nobody is probably thinking too much at my posts. Not sure. Long story short, I feel like my self confidence is basically zero and when I post, and I look back at my posts, I'm cringing at myself, basically throwing my hands in the air , asking myself "what have you done?!" and it's annoying. I guess I'm just trying to fit in and I'm really bad at that.

I hope that doesn't come across as insensitive given what you wrote but please try to add paragraphs into your postings, it would improve my reading flow a lot. Thanks.

 

[TheNorthernSilence]

I can relate so much, because I have AvPD. Nowdays I just mainly browse the forum and don't contribute much. I've always liked your posts, and you seem like a truly genuine person. You're very good with expressing your thoughts. I can't thank you enough.

 

[¡!¡!¡!]

This post describes my social life perfectly. I stopped talking irl. Like, almost completely.

 

[S1mpleme]

I'm not sure what's wrong with me, or maybe I'm completely right for once in my life, who knows - and maybe I'm not the only one experiencing this, but I have extremely low confidence when I interact with people in general - to the point where it feels distorted. Not just when I interact with people in the real world, which can be explained with social anxiety, which is something I'm suffering from since my early childhood but it even haunts me in online interactions. I feel very socially awkward and I feel like I can't give any helpful advice to people at all, despite all the dirt I've walked through in my life. I'm extremely terrible at conversation and I kinda try to avoid them, for the protection of other people. My social skills in general have been terribly decreasing in the last few years, especially when compared to the past. It used to be different years ago. And even in this forum, a place that makes me feel very comfortable, I feel like an outsider, like someone who is watching from far away, rather than a participating member of this forum. Sometimes I just feel way too awkward. I even think people hate me. I'm not sure if this is based on any logical conclusion, it doesn't seem like that, but I guess it's a result of my past experiences in school, all the bullying shattered any confidence when interacting with humans and I think the constant isolation only made it worse for me. And I generally think I'm terrible person with a terrible personality anyway. I feel like people dislike me for no reason, even when I never interacted with them properly. It feels like people can see right through me, and instantly detect how rotten I am. And even when I post something, I instantly feel sorry because I worry that I annoy people or take away more important space/focus for other replies and more important posts in this forum. And it literally makes me stop posting sometimes because I'm worried that my presence is annoying. And when I do take breaks, which also often is connected to my depression, I'm sometimes not sure if I should return at all because in my head, everyone is just grunting at me anyway. I know, at least I think, that this is probably paranoia and not really an objective observation of the situation. But maybe I'm making myself more important than I am, which would basically imply the opposite. Like, in reality, nobody is probably thinking too much at my posts. Not sure. Long story short, I feel like my self confidence is basically zero and when I post, and I look back at my posts, I'm cringing at myself, basically throwing my hands in the air , asking myself "what have you done?!" and it's annoying. I guess I'm just trying to fit in and I'm really bad at that.

I don't hate you, you're not annoying me. If you'd like to, you can alway chat with me, I'll be patient even if you will be offensive to me. Honestly I don't see that's a problem at least online, but I bet there are assholes in real life that would make fun of you.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

What an awesome post!

You were vulnerable and authentic, and others responded to that.

That's probably the best advice I could give, and you already do it.

*Slow clap builds to standing ovation

 

[RainAndSadness]

Thanks for all the responses, to everyone who took their time to write a post. I didn't expect so many answers to my dilemma. I'm glad people can relate to my situation and I'm grateful for all the support I've received in this thread.

I hope that doesn't come across as insensitive given what you wrote but please try to add paragraphs into your postings, it would improve my reading flow a lot. Thanks.

You're right, I should do that more often. Thanks for the criticism.

Your posts have given me so much to think about. Your self-confidence should be soaring for all the insight and empathy you have shown others here. I have always felt like a misfit, like an outsider looking in, , so I get what you are expressing. tbh, you have always been one of the insiders here at whom I marveled. Weird how our minds distort our perception of how others experience us.

Thanks, I appreciate the kind words. I'm glad they have some value to you. I'm not very active in this forum lately but when I am, I invest a lot of time into my posts. I keep re-reading and double- and triple-check them until I finally press the "post reply" button. And I guess you're right, self-perception and perception of others don't seem to match up very often... especially when you're suffering from some kind of anxiety or disorder. It's haunting. My self-confidence sadly is extremely low, like I'm very fragile. But I wonder if I give an impression of strong confidence with my posts. That's possible, maybe I manage to overshadow that somehow.

I don't hate you, you're not annoying me. If you'd like to, you can alway chat with me, I'll be patient even if you will be offensive to me. Honestly I don't see that's a problem at least online, but I bet there are assholes in real life that would make fun of you.

I'm glad to hear that!

I feel exactly like that. Most of the time I'm avoiding people like they have the plague. Here it's similar, like I'd write a post only to erase it. I'm trying to break out of that but it feels hopeless.

Same here. I would often start to write a lengthy reply in this forum, starting with full confidence, but while I keep writing, my confidence slowly decreases and my doubts keep growing and as a result, I just erase my post completely in the end. Or sometimes I would also delete a post right after I published it, just seconds after. That's another aspect of my low self-confidence, it's really hard for me to evaluate which of my posts have any value to the forum. For me, it's kinda hit or miss. And I learned in the past that sometimes it's better to say nothing than anything at all, especially if I feel awkward or annoying.

I relate so much to what you are saying , and I agree when you mentioned that early bullying could be the cause; I also had to deal with incessant harassment in middle/high school by both students and some teachers which I think resulted in me doubting every single interaction I have and having this feeling that people will hate you for no reason because that's what our experience as a child taught us.

I feel you. I'm sorry you had to go through that experience.

I wanted to comment saying I could have written your post word for word, but never would for fear of negativity hitting my direction. Then I read through comments and realised it's almost a normal feeling for some of us here.
I see some people post constantly with amazing advice and shit, and Im like why do I bother, I can NEVER give what these people are giving, i am pointless, I just lurk and pop in and out, whilst praying I annoy no one with my prescence! esp when it seems everyone knows each other (as well as you can on this kinda forum!) I struggle with conversation full stop to the point I avoid it any were at all! just no! nope noepty nope

I relate to your situation a lot. It's exactly the same here.

 

[mukluk0713]

I relate so much to this! Everything I do or say I play back in my mind later and cringe and wish I could just erase it all. I hope it gets better for you, you've been so genuine and brave in this post that I really respect you for it, I couldn't imagine writing out this feeling so eloquently as you have and opening yourself up to comments from others. Bravo! The mind really is our worst enemy sometimes, always replaying everything back to us to hurt us and make us feel more embarrassed and alone than ever. I hope this doesn't come off insensitive, as I'd never want anyone to experience this feeling, but it is comforting in a way to know how many people identify with this. It makes me feel a lot more comfortable posting and saying how I feel without worrying so much about negativity or judgment.

 

[LegaliseIt!]

You just did an excellent job of describing how I feel about every single interaction that I have with most people.
It is exhausting.
Thank you for being so open about this—it really struck a chord with me.
Sending hugs, if you want them.

 

[jgm63]

I'm not sure what's wrong with me, or maybe I'm completely right for once in my life, who knows - and maybe I'm not the only one experiencing this, but I have extremely low confidence when I interact with people in general - to the point where it feels distorted. Not just when I interact with people in the real world, which can be explained with social anxiety, which is something I'm suffering from since my early childhood but it even haunts me in online interactions. I feel very socially awkward and I feel like I can't give any helpful advice to people at all, despite all the dirt I've walked through in my life. I'm extremely terrible at conversation and I kinda try to avoid them, for the protection of other people. My social skills in general have been terribly decreasing in the last few years, especially when compared to the past. It used to be different years ago. And even in this forum, a place that makes me feel very comfortable, I feel like an outsider, like someone who is watching from far away, rather than a participating member of this forum. Sometimes I just feel way too awkward. I even think people hate me. I'm not sure if this is based on any logical conclusion, it doesn't seem like that, but I guess it's a result of my past experiences in school, all the bullying shattered any confidence when interacting with humans and I think the constant isolation only made it worse for me. And I generally think I'm terrible person with a terrible personality anyway. I feel like people dislike me for no reason, even when I never interacted with them properly. It feels like people can see right through me, and instantly detect how rotten I am. And even when I post something, I instantly feel sorry because I worry that I annoy people or take away more important space/focus for other replies and more important posts in this forum. And it literally makes me stop posting sometimes because I'm worried that my presence is annoying. And when I do take breaks, which also often is connected to my depression, I'm sometimes not sure if I should return at all because in my head, everyone is just grunting at me anyway. I know, at least I think, that this is probably paranoia and not really an objective observation of the situation. But maybe I'm making myself more important than I am, which would basically imply the opposite. Like, in reality, nobody is probably thinking too much at my posts. Not sure. Long story short, I feel like my self confidence is basically zero and when I post, and I look back at my posts, I'm cringing at myself, basically throwing my hands in the air , asking myself "what have you done?!" and it's annoying. I guess I'm just trying to fit in and I'm really bad at that.

I believe in you.
You don't need to fit in.
The reason you feel the way you do is because you're intelligent.
You're walking a very difficult path that few people have the courage to walk.
And it's lonely.
But you are so far ahead of others.
But you cannot take "pride" in that because if you ever did, you would fall down.
And you already know that.
So you're on a tightrope.
And that's just how it is for someone walking the path that you are walking.

I wanted to comment saying I could have written your post word for word, but never would for fear of negativity hitting my direction. Then I read through comments and realised it's almost a normal feeling for some of us here.
I see some people post constantly with amazing advice and shit, and Im like why do I bother, I can NEVER give what these people are giving, i am pointless, I just lurk and pop in and out, whilst praying I annoy no one with my prescence! esp when it seems everyone knows each other (as well as you can on this kinda forum!) I struggle with conversation full stop to the point I avoid it any were at all! just no! nope noepty nope

Just my view :

You're unique. God never creates two things the same.
If you feel as though you "don't have any talents", then perhaps God is teaching you humility.
Perhaps in your prior life you were a "mega-talent", but now you are being given harder challenges, for the growth of your soul.
Different people have different roles to play.
Nobody is "better" than anyone else.
Don't judge yourself. It's not necessary, and it hurts you.
But only you can choose to stop.

 

[TeenIdle]

I relate so much to what you say... I have Avoidant Personality Disorder and in top of that I'm an introvert. It has stopped me from having and living a life... I'm so tired.