Aloneisbestforme
Terminally online
- Aug 17, 2023
- 94
I feel sick to my stomach.
And I might know why. I don't wanna share to many details for alot of reasons and for that what I am gonna type might sound stupid but I hope it tells what i'm feeling and what is happening right now.
I confronted a person that I was really close with at the time about if they still feel the same way about our relationship which they said yes at first but I ask again if that was really true and we got deeper and the person said that they don't feel the same way anymore and just wanted things to be friends again which hurt alot but I understand why it happened. so that happen and we discuss some other things and one of them is about me coming back in their group again which I would want to because I like everyone in the group besides one person which I will call friend K.
friend K is kinda a not so ideal person and me and friend K just have alot of problems together because he is really harsh on me and my life and I understand why because I have done alot of dumb shit in my life but sometimes it gets too extreme and honestly toxic and I don't like that and I confront him about it but it gets nowhere because he keeps saying I don't listen and don't care which sometimes it's true but only because some of the advice he gives is kinda bad (maybe not bad but does not work for me at all and I wanted him to understand that but he doesn't) but alot of the times I do listen and try to beat alot of my problems I had back than which I don't have those problems anymore because I listen and tried my hardest to beat them and I wanted to make Friend K and the other's proud and the other's were proud and same with friend K I think.
but it didn't seem like he was really that proud and after some time pass I got a really extreme addiction to a game and he tried helping again.
atleast this time he was less harsh but I tried for awhile and I gave up on it because it was really hard to beat this video game addiction I had. it just felt so powerful but after I left and came back and talked with friend K we discuss about this and after awhile I tried again.
It was really hard but I did it!!! other's were happy and proud but didn't seem like he really cared that much and after some months go by we were watching a movie and I had a outburst at friend K but it didn't need to happen and I was being a asshole for no reason so we discuss that the next day.
We talked about the outburst and it went to other things about how I am and the stuff about my life and he said that he tells me so many things and I don't listen I just don't care.
which hey btw I am farrrrr from perfect I have alot of problems with me and alot of problems in my life and I know that and at the time I was trying to fix those one by one because there is so much to fix and all of them is so hard and it takes time for me to do that and support would help and hearing stuff like that like I don't listen and don't care and stuff doesn't help at all.
I DO LISTEN TO WHAT YOU SAY AND DO USE SOME OF YOUR ADVICE THOUGH MAY NOT SEEM LIKE IT LIKE FUCK I AM TRYING MAN DON'T YOU SEE THAT FOR FUCK'S SAKE I AM TRYING MY HARDEST IT'S NOT THAT EASY BUT I DON'T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND HOW HARD DEALING THIS SHIT IS AND HOW MUCH TIME IT TAKES FOR ME TO DO IT.
It seems like you expect me to fix everything one by one in like weeks and it's not like that some of these may take months some years because of how my life turnt out.
I know this kinda spiral but gosh hearing that makes me anger and angrier that he doesn't see I'm trying.
But with that happening and after time pass once again I'm not really involve in the group because of just the way friend k and I lied about having a job to get out because it just didn't feel well for me to be in their and he realize that I might be lying about why having a job it confronted me and I told him the truth and I should have told him the brutal truth but I didn't.
Anyways I told him I don't have a job because well I didn't feel like I belong there (which is kinda true?) but mainly I didn't wanna be there because of him but I didn't tell him that and he told me the same angerfuel shit like always and how he found it insane how I lied my way out which I understand but I don't think it's that insane.
looking back at everything that happen no I don't think it's that insane.
yes it's bad for me to lie like that but I didn't know what else I could've done plus If I tried telling friend K I was really had a job he would still think it would be fake and I'm not improving in life at all because I got up and felled down so many times but some of those times I do pull through and I can do it but he focus so heavily on the falling down part than the times I pull through.
like holy shit it makes me insane and I can't take it anymore and now I have fully given up so great job lol.
and I get it everyone is flawed but jesus though I feel like this is a little much and the worse is that he very rarely admits his wrongs and it's very annoying but atleast i'm not the only one that feels this because my ex-partner which I will call friend B also sees this and agrees with me so i'm thankful on that.
so with that in mind we talked about it a bit and we came to a idea because we realize that friend K is not gonna listen to me because he may think it's just me having my outrage moment and that my points about him is not vaild and I have said so many dumb things so I am incapable to make any good statements (we don't know if that's 100% true but from what has happen I think he thinks this)
so the idea is sometime this month friend B is gonna talk to the other's about how me and mainly friend K is and we are gonna get in a gc and I am gonna tell my story to them of how I felt about friend K and how I want to talk to him one more time but this time with backup so maybe he will finally listen because another thing to point out it seems like he mainly listen to other's and if other's say something about him or about something he is more likely to believe them probably because they are more stable and therefore more trustworthy ig, idk anymore.
the fact I need backup is just absurd and I don't even know if that's enough or if I even wanna truly do this because he knows I use this site (he doesn't know the name but I know he is talking about this site) and I know he is gonna bring that up and honestly I don't even think it's even worth it since he thinks this website is evil because it "grooms people to kill themselves" which ik what video he watched for him to think that.
and it from what it seems he has a very pro-life stance on suicide and even if I do prove to him that this site is not some evil grooming playground he is not gonna like that I used this site one bit and he is gonna try so hard to get me off which honestly this doesn't even seem worth it and I am thinking of just disappearing which makes me sick to my stomach because I have done it so many times but I think this might be the best for them and myself plus I given up so what's the point.
also what makes it worse is if I do disappear I feel like they are (mainly friend K) is gonna stalk me on this site. maybe he already is and it's making me extremely dreadful because I kinda just wanna move on completely and that feeling of being watch makes me feel dreadful.
I feel so sick and I had this on my mind for a bit and should I talk to friend K is it even worth it? how wrong is it for me to disappear again? is there anyone else that feel like they are being watch or had something like this they delt with with friends? like gosh I feel so stress.
Anyhow thankyou for reading like always. this is a longer one since I've feeling alot right now and I kinda want advice and answers
And I might know why. I don't wanna share to many details for alot of reasons and for that what I am gonna type might sound stupid but I hope it tells what i'm feeling and what is happening right now.
I confronted a person that I was really close with at the time about if they still feel the same way about our relationship which they said yes at first but I ask again if that was really true and we got deeper and the person said that they don't feel the same way anymore and just wanted things to be friends again which hurt alot but I understand why it happened. so that happen and we discuss some other things and one of them is about me coming back in their group again which I would want to because I like everyone in the group besides one person which I will call friend K.
friend K is kinda a not so ideal person and me and friend K just have alot of problems together because he is really harsh on me and my life and I understand why because I have done alot of dumb shit in my life but sometimes it gets too extreme and honestly toxic and I don't like that and I confront him about it but it gets nowhere because he keeps saying I don't listen and don't care which sometimes it's true but only because some of the advice he gives is kinda bad (maybe not bad but does not work for me at all and I wanted him to understand that but he doesn't) but alot of the times I do listen and try to beat alot of my problems I had back than which I don't have those problems anymore because I listen and tried my hardest to beat them and I wanted to make Friend K and the other's proud and the other's were proud and same with friend K I think.
but it didn't seem like he was really that proud and after some time pass I got a really extreme addiction to a game and he tried helping again.
atleast this time he was less harsh but I tried for awhile and I gave up on it because it was really hard to beat this video game addiction I had. it just felt so powerful but after I left and came back and talked with friend K we discuss about this and after awhile I tried again.
It was really hard but I did it!!! other's were happy and proud but didn't seem like he really cared that much and after some months go by we were watching a movie and I had a outburst at friend K but it didn't need to happen and I was being a asshole for no reason so we discuss that the next day.
We talked about the outburst and it went to other things about how I am and the stuff about my life and he said that he tells me so many things and I don't listen I just don't care.
which hey btw I am farrrrr from perfect I have alot of problems with me and alot of problems in my life and I know that and at the time I was trying to fix those one by one because there is so much to fix and all of them is so hard and it takes time for me to do that and support would help and hearing stuff like that like I don't listen and don't care and stuff doesn't help at all.
I DO LISTEN TO WHAT YOU SAY AND DO USE SOME OF YOUR ADVICE THOUGH MAY NOT SEEM LIKE IT LIKE FUCK I AM TRYING MAN DON'T YOU SEE THAT FOR FUCK'S SAKE I AM TRYING MY HARDEST IT'S NOT THAT EASY BUT I DON'T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND HOW HARD DEALING THIS SHIT IS AND HOW MUCH TIME IT TAKES FOR ME TO DO IT.
It seems like you expect me to fix everything one by one in like weeks and it's not like that some of these may take months some years because of how my life turnt out.
I know this kinda spiral but gosh hearing that makes me anger and angrier that he doesn't see I'm trying.
But with that happening and after time pass once again I'm not really involve in the group because of just the way friend k and I lied about having a job to get out because it just didn't feel well for me to be in their and he realize that I might be lying about why having a job it confronted me and I told him the truth and I should have told him the brutal truth but I didn't.
Anyways I told him I don't have a job because well I didn't feel like I belong there (which is kinda true?) but mainly I didn't wanna be there because of him but I didn't tell him that and he told me the same angerfuel shit like always and how he found it insane how I lied my way out which I understand but I don't think it's that insane.
looking back at everything that happen no I don't think it's that insane.
yes it's bad for me to lie like that but I didn't know what else I could've done plus If I tried telling friend K I was really had a job he would still think it would be fake and I'm not improving in life at all because I got up and felled down so many times but some of those times I do pull through and I can do it but he focus so heavily on the falling down part than the times I pull through.
like holy shit it makes me insane and I can't take it anymore and now I have fully given up so great job lol.
and I get it everyone is flawed but jesus though I feel like this is a little much and the worse is that he very rarely admits his wrongs and it's very annoying but atleast i'm not the only one that feels this because my ex-partner which I will call friend B also sees this and agrees with me so i'm thankful on that.
so with that in mind we talked about it a bit and we came to a idea because we realize that friend K is not gonna listen to me because he may think it's just me having my outrage moment and that my points about him is not vaild and I have said so many dumb things so I am incapable to make any good statements (we don't know if that's 100% true but from what has happen I think he thinks this)
so the idea is sometime this month friend B is gonna talk to the other's about how me and mainly friend K is and we are gonna get in a gc and I am gonna tell my story to them of how I felt about friend K and how I want to talk to him one more time but this time with backup so maybe he will finally listen because another thing to point out it seems like he mainly listen to other's and if other's say something about him or about something he is more likely to believe them probably because they are more stable and therefore more trustworthy ig, idk anymore.
the fact I need backup is just absurd and I don't even know if that's enough or if I even wanna truly do this because he knows I use this site (he doesn't know the name but I know he is talking about this site) and I know he is gonna bring that up and honestly I don't even think it's even worth it since he thinks this website is evil because it "grooms people to kill themselves" which ik what video he watched for him to think that.
and it from what it seems he has a very pro-life stance on suicide and even if I do prove to him that this site is not some evil grooming playground he is not gonna like that I used this site one bit and he is gonna try so hard to get me off which honestly this doesn't even seem worth it and I am thinking of just disappearing which makes me sick to my stomach because I have done it so many times but I think this might be the best for them and myself plus I given up so what's the point.
also what makes it worse is if I do disappear I feel like they are (mainly friend K) is gonna stalk me on this site. maybe he already is and it's making me extremely dreadful because I kinda just wanna move on completely and that feeling of being watch makes me feel dreadful.
I feel so sick and I had this on my mind for a bit and should I talk to friend K is it even worth it? how wrong is it for me to disappear again? is there anyone else that feel like they are being watch or had something like this they delt with with friends? like gosh I feel so stress.
Anyhow thankyou for reading like always. this is a longer one since I've feeling alot right now and I kinda want advice and answers
