Venting Alone

[Euneirophreneia]

I honestly feel very alone and isolated with my struggles. Therapy is meant to help but I feel like I'm unable to speak to professionals about my actual feelings on suicide and my life as a whole. I have a therapist I've seen since I was 16 but he doesn't respect the fact that I'm an adult and would speak to my parents/send me to the er if I spoke about my self harm and suicide. I stopped seeing him recently due to this and have begun to isokate myself. The whole concept of therapy is dumb to me if you can't really speak about how you feel without being sent to the hospital? I've been hospitalized 3 times before and it hasn't helped so I'm unsure as to why they'd keep trying. I just finished my first semester of college but I feel so empty and horrified at the though of another semester. I go to a local community college, my parents were hoping I'd make some friends but I seem unable to connect with anyone. I feel so out of place and I hate it. Doctors and psychiatrists are unable to find a proper diagnosis and med regiment that works for me and I feel like I'm slowly killing my parents with how bad my mental health has gotten. I wish there was something I could do but I feel so hopeless and don't see a reason to bother with getting help anymore. My family tries to tell me that they understand but when I have outbursts and breakdowns they can't begin to understand why I feel the way I do and my reactions. I just wish this all would end but I'm too scared to ctb

 

[Siamese Believe]

I get what you mean yeah. Although I found that I can vent to therapists about suicide and right to death as long as I explicitly state I don't have a plan, I've been exploiting this by subtlety beating around the bush and getting them to talk to me about suicide without it seeming like I have a plan. So I've just been using them for venting kinda. Originally I thought even the mere mention of suicidal thoughts would be enough for hospitalization but I guess it's not.

I know they can never understand, but if I hadn't gotten into therapy. I'd be getting gentle comfort from no one irl, even if the therapists are simply being paid to gaslight me and don't actually care. It's better than complete isolation I suppose.

But you're not truly in this alone, we're all in this together. All united by one goal, to escape and be at peace.