Almost sent a letter to my friend that would expose my suicidal ideation

[card1nal]

One of my only reasons for not ctb is feeling like I need to be here for my best friend as well as my siblings. I've had a hard time sleeping lately, so last night I decided to write a letter to my best friend that explains everything that has been going on with my mental state. I have a very hard time talking about my own issues because I was conditioned to be the parent or therapist for everyone else in my life. It felt good to pour out all my feelings in that letter, but when I woke up this morning I realized that sending it would be a grave mistake. She most definitely would attempt to interfere with my current path, which could include trying to hospitalize me. Obviously, I don't want that. I could tell her with full certainty that I won't ctb anytime soon because I have people that need me; however, I know she will not trust my word. I understand why, but it is for this reason that I can't be fully honest with her. I hate not being able to talk about feeling suicidal without people rushing to "save" me. I don't need saving. I just want to feel like I can talk to her without her feeling like she needs to help me.

 

[FuneralCry]

Yes, that would certainly be such a terrible idea risking someone else interfering with suicide plans. It's sad how suicide is this stigmatised and how people see life as being something to always be prolonged at all costs, people should be able to talk about this subject openly without all the risk associated with it. I just think that some ignorant people live in denial of the fact that not everyone can and wants to be "saved", and anyway "saving", people from suicide attempts is just causing them to suffer more, people should have no right to interfere and they should just respect the persons decision to die.

 

[card1nal]

It's sad how suicide is this stigmatised and how people see life as being something to always be prolonged at all costs, people should be able to talk about this subject openly without all the risk associated with it.

I completely agree. I feel like, if anything, the way people react to my thought process just pushes me further down that path. Making me feel like a freak for wanting to ctb not only doesn't make me less suicidal but also brings down my quality of life even more. Not being able to talk to the people I love about this intensifies my feelings of loneliness.