Almost fitting in

[Sensei]

I'm not your typical social misfit. I'm generally not shy or grumpy and however narcissistic it may sound, people respect me and listen to me. Yet, I don't fit in. Only almost. I've never been very socially competent or mastered the art of small talk. For the better or the worse, I'm not an ordinary person. I've been told many times that I'm "different" and "complex", occasionally also "difficult"; in this context, "difficult" has a more negative ring to it in my native language than in English. Evidently, I'm intellectually intimidating too, because I've been told that "one always has to say intelligent things around you." Despite all of this, I've got by. I've had something resembling a social life and my fair share of friends and lovers.

Since I developed bipolar disorder, things have changed for the worse. I have almost no friends left and I can't make relationships work. I realize that my disorder affects my behaviour in different ways, obvious ones such as being more impulsive and subtle ones such as having a more dominant body language. However, I've become more aware of this as time has gone by and I've tried to adjust my behaviour. I try to be kind and easy-going, listen, and small talk the best I can. It leads to nothing; no new friends or acquaintances, no love. Evidently, I'm difficult in some subtle ways I don't fully understand. I don't fit in, only almost. My social life is imploding, slowly and gradually, and I don't know what to do about it.

To recover, I need to learn to cope with this somehow. I must either 1) find some way to change my behaviour or 2) accept that I might end up being alone. I know there's not much to say about this. I simply needed to vent.

 

[CuddleHug]

Let me tell you; you are not alone. We may not be exactly the same, but I've also struggled with "almost fitting in". Back in school, I was included and respected in all of the different social cliques, but never fully belonged in any of them. I was included, but somehow felt like an outsider no matter what I did. The same has been true in my adult life as well. I am apparently easily liked, but hard to approach on a deeper level.

Perhaps it's my fault, perhaps not, but every time I try to be more "normal", I end up unhappy with myself. For me, adjusting and conforming does not seem to be the answer. I'd rather be alone than try to be someone I am not. However, I do not think those are the only two options. There are ways to let people know and accept you for who you are. It's hard, but I've found that communicating to others how you work as a person is key. If you help people understand you better, they will have an easier time letting you in.

The truly difficult part is to understand yourself and how to convey that knowledge to others in a digestible manner. I wish I could tell you how, but alas, I have not figured that out for myself yet. I think I have gotten close, but either way it's a personal journey and in many ways a matter of self-discovery. Only you can truly know who you are, after all.

I'm half asleep and I'm not sure if anything I said makes sense at all. I am starting to question whether I should post this or not, but I figure it can't hurt. Your post made me think and hopefully I could make you think as well.

 

[Sensei]

Perhaps it's my fault, perhaps not, but every time I try to be more "normal", I end up unhappy with myself. For me, adjusting and conforming does not seem to be the answer. I'd rather be alone than try to be someone I am not. However, I do not think those are the only two options. There are ways to let people know and accept you for who you are. It's hard, but I've found that communicating to others how you work as a person is key. If you help people understand you better, they will have an easier time letting you in.

I know exactly what you mean. There's a thin line between adapting your behaviour and sacrificing your personality. I'm prepared to sacrifice my personality to a degree, though. I don't think I can stand being completely alone, especially since I also struggle with other problems.

I'm half asleep and I'm not sure if anything I said makes sense at all. I am starting to question whether I should post this or not, but I figure it can't hurt. Your post made me think and hopefully I could make you think as well.

I'm half asleep too, but your post makes perfect sense. I hesitated to submit my original post, but I'm glad I did. It feels good to have it off my chest.

 

[clownangel]

I am apparently easily liked, but hard to approach on a deeper level.

Oof, that hit me a bit hard. I feel guilty for feeling "lonely" sometimes because I could, technically post somewhere, say I'm not doing well, and have a bunch of people say they're my friend/like me/etc but it seems very...superficial & off because if I want to have a genuine conversation or something I'm pretty much on my own.

Really strange position to be in, sorry both you and @Sensei feel that shit too. Ugh. (Pardon the wordvomit, it's not super helpful but I had to say SOMETHING just because I've never seen that feeling....put into words that clicked so well for me? I dunno.)

 

[whywere]

You are NEVER alone!! you have your global family here. I have bi polar, heck, I have alot of mental issues and I 100% know where you are coming from. I have no friends, family now, I did in the past. I am a ultra firm believer in the fact that in this world, there is someone for everyone. I think that you are doing a great job as far as new behaviour goes. It will just take some time and finding the right friend(s). I am sending you lots of love and hope that everything will work out great for you in the future. I am 64 years young and I may be stupid but I have alot of life experience to draw from. You are a GREAT person!! I believe in you 100%!!!

 

[Sensei]

You are NEVER alone!! you have your global family here. I have bi polar, heck, I have alot of mental issues and I 100% know where you are coming from. I have no friends, family now, I did in the past. I am a ultra firm believer in the fact that in this world, there is someone for everyone. I think that you are doing a great job as far as new behaviour goes. It will just take some time and finding the right friend(s). I am sending you lots of love and hope that everything will work out great for you in the future. I am 64 years young and I may be stupid but I have alot of life experience to draw from. You are a GREAT person!! I believe in you 100%!!!

Thanks. <3 It warms my heart to hear. It's such a harrowing disorder we have. Where does it end and were does our personality begin? I hope you're right that there's always someone for everyone and that we both find that someone.

 

[Myforevercharlie]

I'm so sorry @Sensei to read this, because I know how it feels. Although I never really felt the need to fit in, I lost people because of my mental illnesses. Friends, family, who called me crazy, insane, some even said I should be admitted in a mental institution. For a time I tried to be ' 'normal' a job, a family, everything one expects from an adult. I couldn't do it, it only made my illnesses worse, and made me so unhappy, I really believed everyone was better of without me. Lucky for me I was in time to snap out of it, this wasn't why I escaped home.

It's not easy, it really isn't. I'm still trying to accept that I'll never fit in the perfect picture. But the few people who are close seem te accept me for me. How ever "crazy' I might be.

I sincerely hope you'll find a way in this. Big hug to you!

 

[Sensei]

Thank you, @Myforevercharlie. Actually, I don't want to fit in per se. I simply just want to have at least some friend left and find love. That won't happen if I don't manage to adapt at least to a degree.

 

[Myforevercharlie]

Thank you, @Myforevercharlie. Actually, I don't want to fit in per se. I simply just want to have at least some friend left and find love. That won't happen if I don't manage to adapt at least to a degree.

As long as you keep being you!

 

[Deleted member 1465]

@Sensei the way you described yourself in that first paragraph... sounds just like me. I don't have the added complication of bipolar, but I've always had chronic and existential depression and struggled to walk the path...

It's like this for me: there is a struggle everyone has to walk a winding path between 'fitting in' and 'standing out.' I think often this is harder for younger people. When I was young, I hated being so different and so made it into armour, launched myself into those differences and so had a huge chip on my shoulder about it. I can say that as I have aged, I care less. I'm not proud of being different any more than I'm ashamed of it.

The Consensus is a very powerful thing. I think most of us want to belong but at the same time retain our individuality. Being in consensus makes life easier so to a degree, we all have to learn and adapt to at least appear to be part of it to get what we want. But then attempting to stand outside the consensus becomes a very lonely place.

I feel there is a balance to be had, and finding that balance can be the work of a lifetime, something that is often only had with experience. If we listen honestly to ourselves and what we need, experience can show us how to negotiate our place in the world in what is essentially a life long game of push hands.

Edit: it sounds as if your own personal experience of bipolar, and having to learn to compensate for certain things, is exactly this process of negotiation. It may be that you are even better placed to be able to listen honestly, precisely because of the attitude that the bipolar forces you to adopt.

NB. I have no experience of bipolar so I'm sorry if that is not an appropriate thing to suggest.

 

[stygal]

Nowadays its hard to find a person to have a deeper connection with.
Even "normal" people seem to struggle with it. My friend (who's healthy and happy) went to her new uni class and was shocked how unapproachable most of them were and how little she had in common with them. She was only able to have some small talk with them throughout the course of a whole year.

I think that most people just settle with having superficial friendships. They are content with it because they genuinely like the feeling of socializing no matter the actual compability.

But if you're really looking for somebody who matches you're mental capabilities and maybe understands or shares the same faith with their mental health it will take a while. Lots of trial and error I guess.
A good start are online places like this one because as you've noticed by getting answers to your thread you're definitely not alone.

Don't let everyday life discourage you! And don't overthink it too much. You have given examples of how some people might perceive you but you can never truly be sure about that. It's always in the eye of the beholder.

 

[Sensei]

@Sensei the way you described yourself in that first paragraph... sounds just like me. I don't have the added complication of bipolar, but I've always had chronic and existential depression and struggled to walk the path...

It's like this for me: there is a struggle everyone has to walk a winding path between 'fitting in' and 'standing out.' I think often this is harder for younger people. When I was young, I hated being so different and so made it into armour, launched myself into those differences and so had a huge chip on my shoulder about it. I can say that as I have aged, I care less. I'm not proud of being different any more than I'm ashamed of it.

The Consensus is a very powerful thing. I think most of us want to belong but at the same time retain our individuality. Being in consensus makes life easier so to a degree, we all have to learn and adapt to at least appear to be part of it to get what we want. But then attempting to stand outside the consensus becomes a very lonely place.

I feel there is a balance to be had, and finding that balance can be the work of a lifetime, something that is often only had with experience. If we listen honestly to ourselves and what we need, experience can show us how to negotiate our place in the world in what is essentially a life long game of push hands.

Edit: it sounds as if your own personal experience of bipolar, and having to learn to compensate for certain things, is exactly this process of negotiation. It may be that you are even better placed to be able to listen honestly, precisely because of the attitude that the bipolar forces you to adopt.

NB. I have no experience of bipolar so I'm sorry if that is not an appropriate thing to suggest.

@Underscore, thanks for your words of encouragement. It seems you and I are brothers-in-pain. Contrary to you, I still wear my armour with pride. However, I'm prepared to sacrifice some of my individuality to have a rudimentary social life. As I see it, it's a small price to pay. However, it doesn't matter how big a sacrifice I'm prepared to make when I don't know how to achieve my goal. I'm playing chess without knowing all the rules. As for bipolar disorder, it's so complicated that I could write several thousand words about it here and now and I don't want to torment you with that.

Nowadays its hard to find a person to have a deeper connection with.
Even "normal" people seem to struggle with it. My friend (who's healthy and happy) went to her new uni class and was shocked how unapproachable most of them were and how little she had in common with them. She was only able to have some small talk with them throughout the course of a whole year.

I think that most people just settle with having superficial friendships. They are content with it because they genuinely like the feeling of socializing no matter the actual compability.

But if you're really looking for somebody who matches you're mental capabilities and maybe understands or shares the same faith with their mental health it will take a while. Lots of trial and error I guess.
A good start are online places like this one because as you've noticed by getting answers to your thread you're definitely not alone.

Don't let everyday life discourage you! And don't overthink it too much. You have given examples of how some people might perceive you but you can never truly be sure about that. It's always in the eye of the beholder.

@stygal, thanks for your words of advice. There's a factor which complicates matters, though. I'm not exactly a youngling anymore, but in my mid-fourties. When you reach my age, the rules change dramatically. There's more social pressure to fit in and social relations aren't as flexible anymore. Finding buddies is not as easy as when you're in your 20s or 30s, nor is it to find a partner. Make sure to get your shit together before you turn 40.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

However, I'm prepared to sacrifice some of my individuality to have a rudimentary social life.

I think that is something everyone has to do to a degree.

I'm playing chess without knowing all the rules.

And unfortunately, that appears to be how life works too. The older you get, the more you may figure out the rules, but the less you may want to play the game! Sad irony!

As for bipolar disorder, it's so complicated that I could write several thousand words about it here and now and I don't want to torment you with that

I have read your essay on here, so that info is already communicated.

 

[WhiteDespair]

The older I get the more I realize how fucked over I was and the more I lose any faith in playing the game. I simply exist and not well at that. Kudos on actually wanting to develop a social life. I've kinda given up on that.

 

[Sensei]

I think that is something everyone has to do to a degree.

@Underscore, I'm not sure I agree. It's my impression that people who fit the norm can be themselves and fit in without having to adapt their behaviour and sacrifice their individuatlity at all. Maybe it's because they don't have much individuality.

And unfortunately, that appears to be how life works too. The older you get, the more you may figure out the rules, but the less you may want to play the game! Sad irony!

Well put.

I have read your essay on here, so that info is already communicated.

:)

The older I get the more I realize how fucked over I was and the more I lose any faith in playing the game. I simply exist and not well at that. Kudos on actually wanting to develop a social life. I've kinda given up on that.

@WhiteDespair, I feel you. I should point out that I'm only trying to build a rudimentary social life; to have a normal social life is no longer possible for me. It's probably delusional, though; I feel that the odds are against me. I can't believe I would end up like this.

 

[WhiteDespair]

You're at least trying to build a social life, rudimentary as it may be. I can scarcely be bothered to get out of bed. I can't be bothered to read a book, play a video game or even get something to eat that isn't a rice cake or protein bar.

The odds are against us because of what we deal with. It doesn't exactly mean we're out of luck. It does mean we likely have to try harder or longer or different avenues. People do like me and I can barely understand why when I think so poorly of myself.

I'd still like to be delusional. Unfortunately, truth doesn't work like that. I'd have some modicum of faith regardless how false it would be.

 

[blueflame]

This is just my opinion :


I believe everything has its true place somewhere and will eventually be lead (back) to and reach it just by being one's true self in each present moment.

So there is no need for worry or impatience or forcefulness because one is, essentially, already one's true self within.

Only openness, focus, kind but firm discipline to and of oneself as well as open and complete acceptance of one's Truth are truly necessary.


Peace.

 

[Susannah]

I don't have a diagnose that I know of. People like me and I could probably get more friends if I wanted to. But I don't need many friends. I have 2 very close ones. They know my personality and accept me and that's all I need. I tend to think that most people are stupid, or less intelligent than me. I guess I radiate a certain arrogance.

I've tried to change in order to be more "normal", but it made me unhappy, and it turned out none of my "acquaintances" liked/ understod what had happened to me. I don't know your age, but I recently turned 44y and I've decided to embrace the true me rather than adapt.

Lots of loveS

 

[Sensei]

I don't have a diagnose that I know of. People like me and I could probably get more friends if I wanted to. But I don't need many friends. I have 2 very close ones. They know my personality and accept me and that's all I need. I tend to think that most people are stupid, or less intelligent than me. I guess I radiate a certain arrogance.

I've tried to change in order to be more "normal", but it made me unhappy, and it turned out none of my "acquaintances" liked/ understod what had happened to me. I don't know your age, but I recently turned 44y and I've decided to embrace the true me rather than adapt.

Lots of loveS

Then you and I are very much the same. I'm 46 years old, I have a couple of close friends, and I think that I'm intellectually superior to most people; I'm quite certain people don't perceive me as arrogant, though. What complicates my situation is that I'm bipolar. It makes me impulsive and irritable, traits I don't like myself. If I don't manage to suppress those traits, there's a real risk I'll lose the few friends I have and never find love. Being mentally ill and totally alone is a prospect which scares me; it shouldn't, but it does. Be that as it may, thanks for your words of advice.