quiet.rabbit
NEET
- Feb 27, 2020
- 118
My mind is not in the present moment right now since I'm siding more with death every day. I was a child that never received emotional support or social connection that everyone needs and I'm told I should just figure it out by myself now. But at the same time I'm told the best option I come up with is off the table because "it would hurt others."
It's a pattern in my family to get angry at my feelings because it makes them uncomfortable, or stresses them out. I would understand if I was constantly venting but I'm very reclusive and more on the reserved side when it comes to these heavy thoughts.
So I've ended up basically being pushed to never share my feelings and troubles. Which makes them more intense. I have no release or way of self-regulating.
I even suspect I'm not "sensitive" but just really really emotionally neglected. After all, my first 4 years of my life were spent with my abusive father and my mom is not the most emotionally intelligent person. I've been "sensitive" since then.
Kind of related: Last week (not sure, but within this month) my brother was drunk and I was high and he attempted to choke me to death after I mentioned how I felt like dying explicitly for the third time ever. After his girlfriend screamed at him and told him to stop he let go of me and I went into my room.
After a bit he came in and told me he was sorry and that he would stop drinking but what I get from his apology is that he was kind of unphased at what he did. We ended up mostly talking about stuff that happened to him, (that always happens) and he ended up very briefly mentioning the second time I told him about my suicidal ideation. He didn't even remember what he said to me! He literally said "...I don't really remember what I said to you..." in a dismissive tone.
Something that irks me too is that his girlfriend was screaming at me about the guilt my family would feel and yet when my brother did what he did she didn't really say much besides telling him she'd break up with him if he did something like that again. She didn't check on me or anything. Nobody thought about how scared I must have felt while literally being choked to (possible) death. Like its just expected to treat someone suicidal like that. (!!!)
I feel like I'm disrespected precisely because I'm suicidal and socially isolated. The very things I need help with.
So if I continue living I'm really disrespecting myself. Telling myself I don't need what every human needs. I'd be telling my family and the world I'm okay with all they've done to me because of their own biases.
I've thought about their feelings. :)
Nobody thinks about my feelings, or even remembers them.
It's a pattern in my family to get angry at my feelings because it makes them uncomfortable, or stresses them out. I would understand if I was constantly venting but I'm very reclusive and more on the reserved side when it comes to these heavy thoughts.
So I've ended up basically being pushed to never share my feelings and troubles. Which makes them more intense. I have no release or way of self-regulating.
I even suspect I'm not "sensitive" but just really really emotionally neglected. After all, my first 4 years of my life were spent with my abusive father and my mom is not the most emotionally intelligent person. I've been "sensitive" since then.
Kind of related: Last week (not sure, but within this month) my brother was drunk and I was high and he attempted to choke me to death after I mentioned how I felt like dying explicitly for the third time ever. After his girlfriend screamed at him and told him to stop he let go of me and I went into my room.
After a bit he came in and told me he was sorry and that he would stop drinking but what I get from his apology is that he was kind of unphased at what he did. We ended up mostly talking about stuff that happened to him, (that always happens) and he ended up very briefly mentioning the second time I told him about my suicidal ideation. He didn't even remember what he said to me! He literally said "...I don't really remember what I said to you..." in a dismissive tone.
Something that irks me too is that his girlfriend was screaming at me about the guilt my family would feel and yet when my brother did what he did she didn't really say much besides telling him she'd break up with him if he did something like that again. She didn't check on me or anything. Nobody thought about how scared I must have felt while literally being choked to (possible) death. Like its just expected to treat someone suicidal like that. (!!!)
I feel like I'm disrespected precisely because I'm suicidal and socially isolated. The very things I need help with.
So if I continue living I'm really disrespecting myself. Telling myself I don't need what every human needs. I'd be telling my family and the world I'm okay with all they've done to me because of their own biases.
I've thought about their feelings. :)
Nobody thinks about my feelings, or even remembers them.
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