drag201
Member
- Oct 15, 2023
- 65
I haven't been on this site in a while because honestly I didn't have the energy for it. Every single day feels soo long, and things haven't gotten better since the last time I've been here.
Someone that I was very close to since childhood passed away two months ago, he was like a father to me since my biological one is beyond awful. I feel so disconnected from reality I couldn't feel a thing about it and I honestly still don't, but I miss him. I'm also worried about my mother's health and she is genuinely the only thing keeping me going. I cannot imagine what I'll do if something happens to her. But at the same time I can't imagine what would happen to her if i go through with committing. I have no family or current friends, I work but I dont have money for a house of my own, my driving license, uni, and I don't know why I have to force myself to continue being alive every single day, there is nothing going for me, no relationships, nothing career related, no ambitions etc. Im a lot more scared to keep living. I made all of these plans for studying in university but I feel like it's a way to fill my pointless life that will never feel gratifying no matter where I go, what I do or who I meet I have the accesses to ctb and maybe the minimal courage needed to do it.
I have this sense of impending doom regarding EVERYTHING around me and I seriously dont know how to keep on living with so much anxiety, depression and worry, I always passively had suicidal thoughts but right now I cant even describe the toll this stuff is taking on me, even physically Im so fucking debilitated. As im writing this im so panicky and I can barely breathe and ive been like this for so long. Everything feels like a nonstop panic attack
I have no one to talk to as well. This is a personal thing but I've always refused therapy and medication and I don't want to worry anyone and hell i cant even explain half of what im feeling.
I honestly wish this would just stop. I wish i hadnt been born at all so i wouldnt have to plan out my own death and feel trapped in my body and life every breathing moment, I wish I could give my body and switch places with the people who are losing their lives to disease or other matters outside their control.
I just needed to write it out. I think i will be coming back here more often. I hope you are all doing well at least for today. Thank you for reading
Someone that I was very close to since childhood passed away two months ago, he was like a father to me since my biological one is beyond awful. I feel so disconnected from reality I couldn't feel a thing about it and I honestly still don't, but I miss him. I'm also worried about my mother's health and she is genuinely the only thing keeping me going. I cannot imagine what I'll do if something happens to her. But at the same time I can't imagine what would happen to her if i go through with committing. I have no family or current friends, I work but I dont have money for a house of my own, my driving license, uni, and I don't know why I have to force myself to continue being alive every single day, there is nothing going for me, no relationships, nothing career related, no ambitions etc. Im a lot more scared to keep living. I made all of these plans for studying in university but I feel like it's a way to fill my pointless life that will never feel gratifying no matter where I go, what I do or who I meet I have the accesses to ctb and maybe the minimal courage needed to do it.
I have this sense of impending doom regarding EVERYTHING around me and I seriously dont know how to keep on living with so much anxiety, depression and worry, I always passively had suicidal thoughts but right now I cant even describe the toll this stuff is taking on me, even physically Im so fucking debilitated. As im writing this im so panicky and I can barely breathe and ive been like this for so long. Everything feels like a nonstop panic attack
I have no one to talk to as well. This is a personal thing but I've always refused therapy and medication and I don't want to worry anyone and hell i cant even explain half of what im feeling.
I honestly wish this would just stop. I wish i hadnt been born at all so i wouldnt have to plan out my own death and feel trapped in my body and life every breathing moment, I wish I could give my body and switch places with the people who are losing their lives to disease or other matters outside their control.
I just needed to write it out. I think i will be coming back here more often. I hope you are all doing well at least for today. Thank you for reading
