Venting all the progress down the drain i feel so fucking bad.

[Buh-bye!]

i was really making progress on the journey of forgetting, although i couldn't let go a certain amount of things i was forgetting the majority and that used to helpme be a better me. everything was happening at a gradual pace and shit was suddenly in my favour.
fast forward to the present day a few hours before when i was out ( i am not out of my house frequently ). i was coming back to my house and suddenly i met a fucking guy that i knew for before idk if you can call him a friend but wtv he was to me he was in the past and he has does some real horrific things to me. he doen't even care about me and pretends he's someone close which is alright from his part but the problem is - I did not stop him or tell him his boundaries today.

i have been isolated from my past for the past 6 or sumn months and this guy is a part of it ( a part of the group of people in my past ).

now today i met him accidentally and he saw me and he held me there, greeted me over meeting over a long time and all and started talking and whatnot. THE PROBLEM is due to my social anxiety and lack of communication skills i didn't know how to hold a conversation so i just said to him, " hey why don't we talk while we're walking towards where you were off to" -------so i basically told him i would accompany him wherever he was going and talk to him all the way EVEN THOUGH I SHOULDN'T HAVE I SHOULD HAVE RAN BACK TO MY HOUSE BUT i am just so fucked up. now as we walked and talked he asked me so many things about the past that made me feel uncomfortable and when i told him to change the subject he tried to undermine me ( he and his friends used to do that, that's the whole reason i wanted to forget about these fuckers ) by saying all sorts of stuffs like you were a weirdo back then and YOU don't seem to have changed, you're still a failure ? that's embarassing, oh dw no one in our group thinks or talks about you "why would we"
i am not making these statements up.
i remember all the shitty past mistakes of mine and i feel so anxius and so hurt rn. i thought of having a good today but woah.

the essence though - i was avoiding these people because they were all connected with my past that filled me with suicidal tendencies and now i feel so fucking wrong if i think of recovery suddenly. i feel like i am betraying my past self. and i am so anxious of existing in a world with people like him. i was better of with a fairy tale that let me be on the path of recovery.

anywaysm glad you red it all if you did sine it further validates my existence and thoughts and makes me feel better. wish you have a peacefilled life ahead.
adios
dfsjhfgkassssssssssssw GEQ'/.

 

[Life_and_Death]

i can understand that. its one of the reasons im moving cities (well, definitely a huge bonus)

i want you to know that its ok though
you were stressed, you were dealing with a moment, an extremely difficult moment at that
i know its heavy on you, and thats perfectly acceptable, its a heavy situation, but i want you to know, that from what i read here, youre handling it really well. and im really proud of you for working yourself through it (personally when im in situations like that or just people/anxiety in general its hard to not go non verbal)

maybe think about it as exposure therapy? you did awesome. it takes practice
and its ok to feel your emotions. i know they hurt, but its ok
i personally dont think youre betraying yourself

 

[Rust]

It sucks that we live in a world where we always have to be on high alert when around others and that we beat ourselves up when we don't respond in the perfect way to avoid a negative outcome. It's sounds like he was instigating and you were just trying to live your life. You aren't the problem here. Don't be too hard on yourself!

 

[andaira2k]

Hiya, I wouldn't really say it's solely your own fault for letting him talk to you for that long.
You've mentioned your recent progress as well as your social anxiety. In my personal opinion, "inviting" someone to talk might have been a bad idea in that very moment, yet it was definitely an improvement and a great contribution against your social anxiety. Just the pure thought of wanting to talk in the first place is a huge step, therefore I would say this was part of your entire progress. Of course, it had some nasty side effects as that dude thought it was right to bring up your past, but just know that you used to do better before that, so surely you can get there again. Especially people like this should not be in the position to affect YOUR progress. Best of luck! <3

 

[JoysoftheEmptiness]

I guess I'm lucky, I knew people I hated and wanted nothing to do with, but I managed, not only to leave the town I grew up in, and move to a different city, I moved country, I now live over 200 miles (250km) away from those who hurt me while I was growing up.