All that I have already abandoned.

[woofwag]

Saw an old friend at the grocery store the other day. We got to know each other last year and clicked really well. I was in a better mental state then and was good at providing competent advice. But just as I always do, I crashed and burned hard. He wasn't doing well at all near the end of the school term either, and tbh I had no idea what to say to help since he seemed quite distant and I didn't know what to do. I ended up having a really bad AVPD episode where I couldn't message him back for two months. I felt horrible, but eventually managed to reach out and said I missed him and wanted to re-connect even though I was doing horribly. He said he was also in a bad mental state and it wouldn't be good to have that bounce off each other. It still hurts. He had said a while before that I could always go to him for support, and then I fucked up and that's no longer an option. I don't blame him. I know it probably wouldn't have been the best. But it still really hurt considering how close we were. He even had a crush on me at one point, and it was very clear in the way he cared so much, gave me gifts and affection, was one of the only people who I actually felt comfortable touching. I can't handle romance after my last relationship, and once I told him that the crush ended, and he stopped acting as sweet as he had been, and that hurt too even though I don't blame him for that either. It just hurts. I really hate feeling like people only want to be around me when they're attracted/fixated on me. Because then it goes away, and they leave, and all the attention that I lapped up goes away too.

I messaged him yesterday saying it was nice to see him and that I didn't reply because I didn't want to inundate him with my mental state but that I've been thinking about him a lot and I missed him. No reply. This is my fault and I know it. I let my avoidance get the best of me again and let the relationship go by the wayside to the point that now it's gone. I've done this so many times and I hate it. I love them, I think of them, I want to message them back. But I go through these massive episodes, constant, never-ending episodes, and ruin all of my relationships. They move on to better, less fucked up people. I don't blame them. I don't expect people to keep prioritizing me when I can barely be present. So I just... let go. I'll die anyway, and I think it's better to spare them the pain of getting close to me again just to have me ripped away.

People are always saying to live for others, but even that I have abandoned. My avoidance even goes as far as to avoid my passions. I don't write or read anymore and I'm a creative writing major. I don't work out. I don't make art. I don't go out. I barely exist. My death will ruin those who still care about me, I know that. But there's very little left of me and my social life. And honestly? I can't keep living for other people. Clearly my brain can't even handle being loved anymore. What a pathetic thing I am. I just want to die so bad now. It's all I think about.