Help all i see is the dark side of everything

[dump224477]

thank you everyone who replies to my post called ruining my relationship with my jealously ^^

i feel like a lot of people are blaming my boyfriend and saying he is immature, i understand since the way i typed the situation made me sound like a victim, maybe i was, i dunno.

my boyfriend is truly the sweetest person i've ever met, im the corrupted one, we've been dating for a long time and over the time we've been dating he's done a lot for me, he's put up with a lot of my emotions that are completely unnecessary

i'm a very clingy person and feel the need to be around him all the time, he says this is unhealthy and i agree, i don't want to be so dependent on him the way i am.

i think the source of my insecurity's is around the fact that i hate myself so much, my body is hideous and i have an ugly face and features. when we met, he accepted me and everything about me, i just can't believe it because i don't believe it myself, my boyfriend is too good to be true. my boyfriend can't express things to me because in my head i always turn it negative

example: he could tell me he's watching a show with his friends, in my head what's going on is.. " oh he's gonna be starring at the girls and call them hot and find me more ugly than i am" idk lol something like that.

after he would tell me what he's doing or something j would usually act differently and he would notice and ask and i said i felt insecure or something. then an argument would happen. blah blah whatever

my problem is is that i fucking hate the way my brain works, do i even want to be happy? god i'm a big fucking burden that needs to die already. how do i not think like this??

i don't deserve him, he gives me the world and i make it miserable. i can't express how much i hate myself

 

[Vorty30]

Ah, I see. The complicated situation of having a partner. But you know, it's not gonna be easy... And so what? Doesn't mean you should not try.
Only you can write how the story goes at the end of the day. We make a choice, we pay for it either way, simple as that. :)
Regarding the "clingy" terminology you used... Look, I was called clingy once just for trying my best to be the best friend I can.
In the end, you need to look after yourself. CTB stuff going on or not. If you put others in front of you on a pillar, 24 / 7, know this - You will suffer for it and eventually regret it. There is no point to it either. Humans are selfish by nature, we all have needs. And as the stupidity of pro lifers keeps coming with the typical "oh no, you are so ungrateful and selfish, the gift of life, insert fart noises here"... Yeeah. Enough said as you can see. No matter what you are, no matter if clingy, ugly like you say, whatever goes on... Trust and believe yourself. Platitude. Yes. Is it true though? Yes as well.

Brain activity, towards the rest of your message, well... Sadly that is how it goes with some of us. Over sensitivity, emotions flowing with some paranoia mixed in between. If only this, what if that, what could be x, how can that be y... Go with it is what I say.

Be there for him, do your best, enjoy the relationship to the fullest you can... But do not let go, NEVER, let go... Of yourself.
As far as what we deserve... It's not so much a thing of deserve, trust me.
I've made the stupidest kind of retarded decisions... I never got close to anyone. And that is ok. I would not say I failed or such.
It's just what it is. Not everyone can enjoy love, and I get that. Plenty of fish in the sea? Yeah, sure, but... At the end of the day, when you don't feel motivated or well, find meaning in such things, there is no point to it. :) All I can do, is hope for the ones that go through such a thing, that they have the happiest moments of their lives with it. So yeah @dump224477 , don't push it too far like that. Just... See where the river stream takes you. Cave of darkness or the shore line with a nice sunrise... You need to follow it till the truth. :)