Venting All I ever wanted was to be loved

[Fade2Blk0809]

Hey, I'm Fade. I'm new here and this is my first post, so I'm a little nervous! This is a long post, I just need to get things off my chest. Sorry!!

All my life, I've just wanted to be loved. Someone to care about me, someone to comfort me when I'm sad and vice versa, someone to be there for me and someone who I can take care of, but those things are luxuries that I will never have. I'm 40 years old tomorrow, and I have never known what it's like to be loved. Not by friends, not by family, not by anyone. I look at everyone else, and wonder what it might feel like, and for a long time I kept clinging to the hope that it would one day happen.

I know now that my hopes were in vain. Something is fundamentally wrong with me, I am not meant to be here, I was born wrong, with this hideous, sickly body and broken mind not equipped to deal with the realities of life. It's like the wrong sperm fertilized the wrong egg and the result was the monstrous mistake that is me.

I've accepted that by now, and I know that I can no longer continue to exist. It's too painful and I'm done trying to make it through. I made a pact with myself years ago that if things haven't improved by my 40th birthday, I would end it. I intend to keep my promise, and with my next paycheck I'll finally buy the shotgun I need to put an end to my miserable existence once and for all. Thank you Florida and your lax gun laws!

I guess I'm just wondering if anyone else out there can relate.

 

[landslide2]

Welcome, no need to sorry about anything here. I am sorry you are in pain and birthdays in general for many of us are difficult times.

 

[Labyrinth]

I've been on this forum for 6 months writing about my loneliness. I'm exactly like you, but a little younger. I think about it every day 24 hours

 

[Topacio]

Every word is so real...

 

[rebelnow111]

Hey, I'm Fade. I'm new here and this is my first post, so I'm a little nervous! This is a long post, I just need to get things off my chest. Sorry!!

All my life, I've just wanted to be loved. Someone to care about me, someone to comfort me when I'm sad and vice versa, someone to be there for me and someone who I can take care of, but those things are luxuries that I will never have. I'm 40 years old tomorrow, and I have never known what it's like to be loved. Not by friends, not by family, not by anyone. I look at everyone else, and wonder what it might feel like, and for a long time I kept clinging to the hope that it would one day happen.

I know now that my hopes were in vain. Something is fundamentally wrong with me, I am not meant to be here, I was born wrong, with this hideous, sickly body and broken mind not equipped to deal with the realities of life. It's like the wrong sperm fertilized the wrong egg and the result was the monstrous mistake that is me.

I've accepted that by now, and I know that I can no longer continue to exist. It's too painful and I'm done trying to make it through. I made a pact with myself years ago that if things haven't improved by my 40th birthday, I would end it. I intend to keep my promise, and with my next paycheck I'll finally buy the shotgun I need to put an end to my miserable existence once and for all. Thank you Florida and your lax gun laws!

I guess I'm just wondering if anyone else out there can relate.

i definetly can