Venting AITA? My sister took my autonomy

[SadNights]

Sorry if this disorganized/hard to read. I'm exhausted.

I've always had physical health problems, but never cared about myself enough to get things checked out. Even on my best days, it's too mentally exhausting to even consider doing anything about my alarming symptoms. Whenever something goes wrong, I tend to ignore it because the worst that could happen is dying which is my goal anyways.

I had a mole removed from my cornea in 2015 (when I was a minor) because my parents thought it looked ugly, despite my opposition to surgery. Now it's growing back irregularly and my sister noticed. She has a history of invading my privacy and taking my autonomy related to medical concerns such as forcing me to appointments and telling people about my problems behind my back. Ever since she noticed, she's been berating me to get it checked out because it could be cancerous. She's currently doing her clinical rotation at an ophthalmology clinic, so she told me to take pictures of my eye to show to her preceptor, and I begrudgingly sent her the photos, mistakenly thinking, "this won't escalate further." I was so fucking wrong. The ophthalmologist said it looked bad so she came home and started yelling at me to get it looked at. She asked me, "Why won't you get it checked out? You don't even have an excuse; you're just being lazy." She proceeded to tell me how it is especially "retarded" why as a healthcare worker, I would be so opposed to getting help.

Before all this happened, me and my sister used to be pretty close; it was a good relationship. We would often confide in each other about our mental health struggles because our parents are incapable, or rather resistant to the existence of mental illness. We both have struggled with depression for many years and have expressed thoughts of suicide to each other, yet when she confronted me about this situation, she spoke as if I was acting crazy. I don't understand how she couldn't understand my lack of urgency when literally a month ago she was telling me how she wants to give up on life. I'm assuming the SSRI she started has changed her entire outlook on life... which I'm happy for.

She ended up telling our helicopter parents and made an appointment with her preceptor for me to come in (once again, without my consent and behind my back) which is great... because now I have to deal with my parents hovering even closer, scolding me about finding an oncologist, and had to go out to the clinic to see her preceptor. I barely have the energy to get up out of bed every day, let alone go out and be forced to hear something I have no interest in. Anyways, the ophthalmologist said the same thing about how it looks really sus and there's a good chance it could be cancer, so I should get it checked out by a specialist (BTFW, it's been an extreme struggle trying to get an appointment. As of today, I've gone back and forth calling about 25 times just to get this done because goddamn insurance). When me and my sister both got home, we continued to argue where I said "I don't care if I die" and she responded with "this isn't going to kill you, you'll probably go blind." I get what she was trying to say, but from my fucked up perspective, it sounded like she said "it's only okay to ignore a problem if it's fatal." She then texted my boyfriend the whole situation in attempt to try and get him on her side, but of course he didn't agree with her method. This shit was the last straw for me because I'm a very private person and it was not her place to tell him. I would have told him eventually (probably that night), but I wanted time to process everything and it felt invasive for her to say anything to him.

Now we aren't talking and I don't know what to do about it. I understand where she's coming from, but I feel like her method was really unfair. It's my body and if I want to wither away or go blind, isn't that my choice? I'll probably kill myself soon anyways so it feels like a waste of effort. I feel extremely conflicted on this. On one hand I know it's her way of looking out for me but on the other hand, existence is pain and I want control of my life in my last moments. AITA?

TL;DR
My sister forced me to check out my maybe-it's-eye-cancer by telling our parents without my consent. I just want to die anyways, so idrc if it's malignant. She has no boundaries about telling people about my situations, and it makes me feel like I have no control.

 

[Scacie]

Hey, I think she definitely put stepped her duty as a doctor, but as a sister, she definitely did this out of a posistion of love. She probably out stepped her duty as a sister too, but as I have an younger sibling, and if I see him dragging his feet on a potential cancer diagnosis, I'll still use as many methods as my disposal to get him to the doctor. I don't know, love is irrational I guess.

Dying from cancer is almost certainly not peaceful. If it indergoes metastasis, you're gonna go through months of painful chemo and radiation therapy only to probably die anyways. Much better to CTB on your own terms. Even if it's just a tumor, you might lose sight of your eye, and I don't know, personally I would like to die without being permanently disabled. She's a doctor, and so definitely knows more than me regarding cancer. If she implied that it isn't fatal, then it likely isn't. Means you might be permanently blind in one eye if you don't seem treatment.
Yes, it's absolutely your choice to go blind, and your sister definitely outstepped her lane, but I can understand her decision somewhat. I want to CTB too, and too frequently I see people posting about paracetamol overdoses on here. I always told them to reconsider, because dying via that overdose is just objectivly horrible and painful, much like dying from an untreated cancer.
You deserve to die in peace and without pain.
I definitely empathize about you having absolutely no energy to even call the appointment, especially after so many frustrations. Perhaps you can tell your sister to do it for you? If it's possible. It's her idea to get you to seek treatment for it anyways

But at the end of the day, it's your choice. You're an consenting adult, and I'm unsure if anyone can force treatment on you if you are determined to be of 'clear mind. You can always roll the dice, and gamble on it being benign. Or perhaps you want to CTB very soon, soon enough to not experience consequences for this. Then that's fine too.

Not sure about the verdict. I understand where you're coming from. She overstepped your boundary. But I can't say for sure that I won't do the same if I'm in the same shoes. She just loves you alot. Plus, her wanting to give up on life won't affect her outlook of life on others. I'm suicidal, but I certainly won't go to the cancer ward and tell everyone there to give up.
However, her use of language is definitely problematic. She should know better than anyone on how depressed people arent just lazy.... She's a doctor and in the same shoes after all

I'm be biased, because I might do the same if my sibling refused treatment for such a issue, as well as personal beliefs. Perhaps you need someone with a more objective analysis

 

[Sans]

Your sister sounds like a cunt.