AITA for messaging my Mum in a last ditch effort for human connection?

[easypeasy]

I've been planning my exit for almost 2 years. My reasons were because of Chronic Pain and illness that can't be cured. The pain is so bad I can't sleep most nights. I can't socialise- even for birthdays or Xmas. I can't stay at peoples houses or even visit. I can't have people stay over. I am too loud…in too much pain…and I haven't been able to work or care for myself in years. And I don't have the support I need, It started 6 years ago due to a medical procedure gone wrong. I don't really qualify for help and I don't have the help I need to do the applications, either. I improved slightly when I stopped working all together, but it got worse when I worked.. as one day I just fell to my knees in pain and cried out (I couldn't hide it with make up any longer).

Recently, I've been ostracised from my family. My brother has made up some very cruel lies about me..and his wife sent me a horrible message essentially saying I need to stop seeing my Mum and let her travel Australia. I can't go into detail now about the yucky things she said to me, but one example is: even your own Dad doesn't want to see you. This is a hurtful topic as my Dad is just selfish, and when my brother told him I'd bought a gas bottle to end my life….Dadnever phoned or visited me, even though he'd visit my bro who is 5 min away.

Before this happens to me, I was successful earning 120k per year…and independent. Sadly nobody in my family addressed this with my brother or his wife. My reasons for not ending things have been to not cause others any pain…especially Mum. But now, that has been removed.

I asked my Mum today why she didn't ask my brother or his wife WHY she sent me that abusive message out of nowhere? I asked why she didn't ask my brother why he didn't stop his wife yelling at me on the phone. I have spent the last 7 months being patient but Mum still won't say anything. She knows I want to end my life due to physical pain, and that this has broken me.. but she won't answer me at all.

Am I the arsehole for sending her messages trying to find out WHY she won't ask them any of these questions? I am mindful that when I end my life which I plan to next week….she might feel guilty for not responding… am I the arsehole? I don't want o cause her more pain. I would do it today but it's my Aunty's birthday today and my friends birthday in 5 days… so I chose to wait a week before ending it… even though I'm ready now.

I wasn't going to message Mum but she sent me three messages today of ohtots of her as a kid, and my grandpa and nanna and aunty and uncle. It made me very sad as I don't belong in my family. I am 1 of 4 kids and my parents aren't together…and I felt sad seeing the photo of a happy family because I'm not in one..and I can't relate to that photo. I told her that. I can't get over why she won't respond to me questions.

 

[qualityOV3Rquantity]

You aren't the bad person here. You're in so much pain, you're in a position where someone should have support and understanding from those close to them, and instead you just get ignored or abused. You don't deserve to be treated like this, and I'm so sorry that your life turned out this way. It's so horrible that you went from being independent and doing well for yourself to your current situation. I'm sending you digital hugs, and I hope that your pain reduces...

 

[easypeasy]

You aren't the bad person here. You're in so much pain, you're in a position where someone should have support and understanding from those close to them, and instead you just get ignored or abused. You don't deserve to be treated like this, and I'm so sorry that your life turned out this way. It's so horrible that you went from being independent and doing well for yourself to your current situation. I'm sending you digital hugs, and I hope that your pain reduces...

You're very kind and good with words. Thank you for understanding and offering an honest and grounded view x

 

[Sleeper System]

The illusion is so much easier to digest than reality. The cold hearted truth is that it doesn't matter in this day and age who is related to you or not because ALL relationships are give and take exclusively. Unconditional love is a fallacy. We measure everyone in our lives as plus marks or negative marks.

Your regrettable health situation along with other factors have placed you deep in the negative with your people. You offer nothing to them but a burden. If they ever cared for you, it's clear that as it stands they are withholding their empathy and kinship from you and you're sitting here with a question mark over your head as if the reasons matter. They don't. You know in your heart what they are and even if you don't you at least have a good enough imagination to think of the worst reasons possible and none of them will be useful to you.

It's not easy, the position you're in. I wouldn't want to be you.
There is only one thing you need to know and that's this:

It...is not... your fucking fault. but you have control over how you react. You're in a war externally and internally and as expected it's ripping you in two. Would you like to know more?

 

[easypeasy]

The illusion is so much easier to digest than reality. The cold hearted truth is that it doesn't matter in this day and age who is related to you or not because ALL relationships are give and take exclusively. Unconditional love is a fallacy. We measure everyone in our lives as plus marks or negative marks.

Your regrettable health situation along with other factors have placed you deep in the negative with your people. You offer nothing to them but a burden. If they ever cared for you, it's clear that as it stands they are withholding their empathy and kinship from you and you're sitting here with a question mark over your head as if the reasons matter. They don't. You know in your heart what they are and even if you don't you at least have a good enough imagination to think of the worst reasons possible and none of them will be useful to you.

It's not easy, the position you're in. I wouldn't want to be you.
There is only one thing you need to know and that's this:

It...is not... your fucking fault. but you have control over how you react. You're in a war externally and internally and as expected it's ripping you in two. Would you like to know more?

I agree with everything you said. Very well said. If you have more to share, I'd be open to it of course.