Life_and_Death
Do what's best for you 🕯️ Sometimes I'm stressed
- Jul 1, 2020
- 6,825
Last night I thought, I'll try again today. Even debated on telling my husband to work without me so I could have more time.
Well that didn't work out considering I'm writing this instead of emptying the closet and getting my rope.
It started with going to bed. I took a quarter melatonin like most nights. (dose depending). Only I didn't fall asleep (tolerance must be up again) instead I laid there thinking about my suicide, which lead to me thinking about my death, which made me feel sick. So I got out of bed. Hubby says on nights like that I can wake him up. Even this morning he said I shouldn't suffer alone, but he's been tired lately because of work and said he had a headache. I didn't want to disturb him. So I'm sure some here saw my presence a few hours ago. I wanted to message my friend but he was busy. So I just grabbed my bottle and hung out with you guys.
Fast forward to 10pm and I'm finally getting tired. (we went to bed at 7pm and I had to be up by 1am). My friend is still gaming and June (one of my kitties) is looking at me "mommy can we go bed". Ok let's go to bed. So I close my laptop, leave hubby a note on his computer (summerized) "mental shit couldn't sleep. Don't be surprised if I don't wake up"
Fast forward to waking up. Click! Head pops up. hubbys leaving!!! panic sets in. He left a note in place of mine. I quickly read it, run outside, down the sidewalk, smuck! My body hits the vehicle to get his attention. I open the door in a panic, scared that he's going to leave without me. Told him I just had to go get ready and he said ok.
So tonight just doesn't seem like the time now.
Also while I was sitting there last night talking to you guys/drinking/waiting for my friend I thought IF I could get them on the same page, IF I can get them to understand, MAYBE I can be ok? Not having to hide everything would be a huge help.... But it won't fix my problems, just make it easier to talk about and get help with. Am I getting my hopes up? Should I even bother trying? Should I wait until my therapist appointment and see how this plays out? Or should I just forget it and hang? I didn't answer. I'm not sure what the answer is. There's moments I'm hopeful everything can be ok, but I fear it's all a lost cause. It's not going to stop me from hating myself. It's not going to make my disorders fuck off. It's not going to make the meds magically not interact.
Idk... Anyway from 7pm to quarter to 3am, this has been my time.
Well that didn't work out considering I'm writing this instead of emptying the closet and getting my rope.
It started with going to bed. I took a quarter melatonin like most nights. (dose depending). Only I didn't fall asleep (tolerance must be up again) instead I laid there thinking about my suicide, which lead to me thinking about my death, which made me feel sick. So I got out of bed. Hubby says on nights like that I can wake him up. Even this morning he said I shouldn't suffer alone, but he's been tired lately because of work and said he had a headache. I didn't want to disturb him. So I'm sure some here saw my presence a few hours ago. I wanted to message my friend but he was busy. So I just grabbed my bottle and hung out with you guys.
Fast forward to 10pm and I'm finally getting tired. (we went to bed at 7pm and I had to be up by 1am). My friend is still gaming and June (one of my kitties) is looking at me "mommy can we go bed". Ok let's go to bed. So I close my laptop, leave hubby a note on his computer (summerized) "mental shit couldn't sleep. Don't be surprised if I don't wake up"
Fast forward to waking up. Click! Head pops up. hubbys leaving!!! panic sets in. He left a note in place of mine. I quickly read it, run outside, down the sidewalk, smuck! My body hits the vehicle to get his attention. I open the door in a panic, scared that he's going to leave without me. Told him I just had to go get ready and he said ok.
So tonight just doesn't seem like the time now.
Also while I was sitting there last night talking to you guys/drinking/waiting for my friend I thought IF I could get them on the same page, IF I can get them to understand, MAYBE I can be ok? Not having to hide everything would be a huge help.... But it won't fix my problems, just make it easier to talk about and get help with. Am I getting my hopes up? Should I even bother trying? Should I wait until my therapist appointment and see how this plays out? Or should I just forget it and hang? I didn't answer. I'm not sure what the answer is. There's moments I'm hopeful everything can be ok, but I fear it's all a lost cause. It's not going to stop me from hating myself. It's not going to make my disorders fuck off. It's not going to make the meds magically not interact.
Idk... Anyway from 7pm to quarter to 3am, this has been my time.