MsMaudlin

MsMaudlin

This is the fierce last stand of all I am
Dec 8, 2019
875
This is a question that no one can answer buy I keep thinking about it.

After we die, are we aware of how upset people are that we leave behind? How annoyed they are that the house is a mess and they will have to clean it and empty it?

Reading it back sounds crazy but interested to hear others opinions.
 
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JuneIsTooBright

JuneIsTooBright

Why don't they just drive to a bridge?
Feb 25, 2020
19
Not for me to catch the bus. I'm fairly certain this is a material existence. Any emotions we experience in the near death zone are memory and instinct, from what I've read. I guess death-dreams of sorts and hallucinations could take place, but I think it would be brief because the cells creating it only have activity for a short period after death. And then the cells die. And decompose, if we don't embalm the shit out of them. I hope mine can break down and become something else.

Just rambling back at a hypothetical.
 
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ohhgeeitsme

ohhgeeitsme

Wizard
Feb 5, 2020
694
While I don't believe in life after death (not saying there isn't, just that I don't personally believe in one), I still really struggle with thinking about the aftermath and the people that will be hurt. I do have a lot of people who love and care about me and honestly, it's the most painful part of leaving. I don't want to hurt anyone. The cleaning up bit really gets me too, and I was actually just thinking about it.
 
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mesohappy

mesohappy

Cat piss sammich??
Jan 10, 2020
674
I keep visualizing/thinking about that as well.But no,once we are gone I don't think we are aware of what others are bitching and griping about anymore.We are just doomed to ruminate about it while we are still breathing,unfortunately.Before I do decide to take that ride,Ill have done my best to make it as smooth as possible for those who have to deal with the aftermath.Some will no doubt be hurt and inconvenienced anyway.But hey,I had to do what I had to do.
 
Pol

Pol

Student
Jan 24, 2020
112
a part of me makes me want to know the 'aftermath'.
 
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O

Otter

Experienced
Feb 10, 2020
263
This is a question that no one can answer buy I keep thinking about it.

After we die, are we aware of how upset people are that we leave behind? How annoyed they are that the house is a mess and they will have to clean it and empty it?

Reading it back sounds crazy but interested to hear others opinions.
I am a hoarder so my house is going to be a total disaster when someone finally opens the door and sees it. I feel so sorry for them, but hopefully family can just hire someone to do it.
 
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MsMaudlin

MsMaudlin

This is the fierce last stand of all I am
Dec 8, 2019
875
I am a hoarder so my house is going to be a total disaster when someone finally opens the door and sees it. I feel so sorry for them, but hopefully family can just hire someone to do it.
I'm a total hoarder too, and because I'm ill I couldn't clean up if I wanted to.
I have been selling things on Ebay to get some cash.
 
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Fragile

Fragile

Broken
Jul 7, 2019
1,496
i think about this very often, not in the afterlife sense, but in how much pain it will cause them. once i'm gone it will all be over for me, but my family has to stay and suffer from what's to come. or maybe there is an afterlife and i will have to continue to suffer and then watch them grieve, then i'm even more fucked.

this is why i'm planing to ctb in a hotel room, only to mitigate the pain for them even if it's just a bit, but i can't start emptying my apartment of stuff because that will be way too suspicious, so i can only do so much.
 
ohhgeeitsme

ohhgeeitsme

Wizard
Feb 5, 2020
694
I am a hoarder so my house is going to be a total disaster when someone finally opens the door and sees it. I feel so sorry for them, but hopefully family can just hire someone to do it.

I was the same way. I really let my place go, to the point that it became too overwhelming to even start to clean. I was just too depressed and anxious. When I'm anxious, I need to lie down. So living alone and having no one there to judge me, anything I HAD to do, I'd hurry up and then rush back to the couch (where I slept). So if things dropped, I ignored it. Things spilled, I often ignored it. My hot water was out for six months because I was too anxious to call and have someone get it fixed. Things piled up. I lived in an apartment complex, and there were always people outside, so I'd also be too anxious to take my trash out. You couldn't walk through my bedroom, it was just clothes and junk everywhere. God, I could go on. It was so embarrassing to me.. I never let anyone in my apartment and no one would have thought I'd be living that way. I'd make up excuses, that weren't complete lies, but also not honest about why they couldn't come in. But, I just had to move in with family a month ago, so when I go now, they won't have to deal any kind of mess, in that sense. I sometimes think maybe I should pack my stuff up so they won't have to but it would be too suspicious. Ugh.
 
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O

Otter

Experienced
Feb 10, 2020
263
I'm a total hoarder too, and because I'm ill I couldn't clean up if I wanted to.
I have been selling things on Ebay to get some cash.
I sell stuff too, on a local Facebook Marketplace. I have a 2000 square foot home and the boxes are stacked to the ceiling. it is worth selling though because it is stuff I have accumulated through the years to open my own little junk store. because of my lack of energy and motivation and health problems, I can't open a junk store. So I am stuck with some junk that has a little value, enough to not just throw it away. Mostly decorative items and vintage items but no furniture.
 
C

ComMon

Member
Jan 5, 2020
7
In all honesty i have a hard time thinking about the aftermath of ctb. I would sometimes think about it but in the end i feel indifferent or i would usually feel guilty about not really caring.
 
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O

Otter

Experienced
Feb 10, 2020
263
I was the same way. I really let my place go, to the point that it became too overwhelming to even start to clean. I was just too depressed and anxious. When I'm anxious, I need to lie down. So living alone and having no one there to judge me, anything I HAD to do, I'd hurry up and then rush back to the couch (where I slept). So if things dropped, I ignored it. Things spilled, I often ignored it. My hot water was out for six months because I was too anxious to call and have someone get it fixed. Things piled up. I lived in an apartment complex, and there were always people outside, so I'd also be too anxious to take my trash out. You couldn't walk through my bedroom, it was just clothes and junk everywhere. God, I could go on. It was so embarrassing to me.. I never let anyone in my apartment and no one would have thought I'd be living that way. I'd make up excuses, that weren't complete lies, but also not honest about why they couldn't come in. But, I just had to move in with family a month ago, so when I go now, they won't have to deal any kind of mess, in that sense. I sometimes think maybe I should pack my stuff up so they won't have to but it would be too suspicious. Ugh.
We are twin sisters! no one is allowed in my house , and I avoid people at all cost. I also have to tell a lot of Little White Lies to cover up my situation. I also drop stuff and just leave it now, too. my air conditioning unit has been broken for 3 years and I can't get a tech to come fix it because there's too much stuff to even get through to it, so I just closed up my room and have a window air conditioning unit to cool just my room and a little electric heater for the winter which is very mild where I live. my kitchen is pretty much unusable . the only way to heat up food is the microwave. I only have a path from the front door passing through the kitchen and into the bedroom. No other part of the house is usable. It really does feel hopeless after a while. I only leave the house twice a month for groceries and I go in the middle of the night to avoid anyone. I haven't done laundry in 3 years. I also go by Goodwill and buy a shirt and some pants and wear them for several months, then throw them away. I only shower every one or two months. I know that sounds totally disgusting, but luckily I'm one of those that doesn't smell too bad and I don't have a lot body hair to trap the smell. I know it probably all sounds unbelievable, but this is my life!
 
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MsMaudlin

MsMaudlin

This is the fierce last stand of all I am
Dec 8, 2019
875
We are twin sisters! no one is allowed in my house , and I avoid people at all cost. I also have to tell a lot of Little White Lies to cover up my situation. I also drop stuff and just leave it now, too. my air conditioning unit has been broken for 3 years and I can't get a tech to come fix it because there's too much stuff to even get through to it, so I just closed up my room and have a window air conditioning unit to cool just my room and a little electric heater for the winter which is very mild where I live. my kitchen is pretty much unusable . the only way to heat up food is the microwave. I only have a path from the front door passing through the kitchen and into the bedroom. No other part of the house is usable. It really does feel hopeless after a while. I only leave the house twice a month for groceries and I go in the middle of the night to avoid anyone. I haven't done laundry in 3 years. I also go by Goodwill and buy a shirt and some pants and wear them for several months, then throw them away. I only shower every one or two months. I know that sounds totally disgusting, but luckily I'm one of those that doesn't smell too bad and I don't have a lot body hair to trap the smell. I know it probably all sounds unbelievable, but this is my life!
No one is allowed in my house either! I also have things not working (lights) and I'm too ashamed to get them fixed, I live in my bedroom and do all my ebay selling from my bed.
It sounds crazy, I only go out to hospital appointments, I have the shopping delivered.
 
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autumnal

autumnal

Enlightened
Feb 4, 2020
1,950
Maybe those of you with hoarder-grade houses could purchase a gift voucher for a specialist cleaning service and leave it for those who will otherwise face the chore after you are gone?
 
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ohhgeeitsme

ohhgeeitsme

Wizard
Feb 5, 2020
694
We are twin sisters! no one is allowed in my house , and I avoid people at all cost. I also have to tell a lot of Little White Lies to cover up my situation. I also drop stuff and just leave it now, too. my air conditioning unit has been broken for 3 years and I can't get a tech to come fix it because there's too much stuff to even get through to it, so I just closed up my room and have a window air conditioning unit to cool just my room and a little electric heater for the winter which is very mild where I live. my kitchen is pretty much unusable . the only way to heat up food is the microwave. I only have a path from the front door passing through the kitchen and into the bedroom. No other part of the house is usable. It really does feel hopeless after a while. I only leave the house twice a month for groceries and I go in the middle of the night to avoid anyone. I haven't done laundry in 3 years. I also go by Goodwill and buy a shirt and some pants and wear them for several months, then throw them away. I only shower every one or two months. I know that sounds totally disgusting, but luckily I'm one of those that doesn't smell too bad and I don't have a lot body hair to trap the smell. I know it probably all sounds unbelievable, but this is my life!

Exactly the same. No joke, my air conditioning unit was broken for three years too. It would leak and soak up the floors, but it's not something you'd notice directly. Even though I stopped using it, the water damage got so severe the floors started to cave in and for the last year, I'd have to walk around holes in my hallway and bathroom. I bought a portable air conditioner for one room, which I already only stayed in the living room anyway. My kitchen, gross. I did have a decent job, though for the past five years (finally lost it two months ago). I worked third shift in a warehouse, and I was only able to keep it for that long simply because of their attendance policies. You didn't have to call in if you were late or not coming in at all or could leave early as long as you had the time to cover it, and I always managed to have just enough. Plus, I was lucky to have people in management who liked and looked after me and since I was a hard worker, they'd let some things slide that could have cost me my job. But, that finally ended. I also rarely take showers, but also rarely stink. Several people have made comments about how I have no scent. I was always afraid maybe I do stink but just didn't notice it, but that wasn't the case. I used to be someone who had to take at least two showers a day. I once went six months without one. I'd still wash my face, neck and any part of me that was showing about once a week, but didn't take a full shower. And believe me, I am grossed out by all this too. I think it's disgusting too, and yet, I couldn't change it. I was forced out of that environment only because I was getting evicted. I did manage to clean up some before I left but they are still not too happy.. but they have nooo idea how much worse it could have been. I've been living with my dad for a little over a month and I've taken two showers. Yay me.
 
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Otter

Experienced
Feb 10, 2020
263
Exactly the same. No joke, my air conditioning unit was broken for three years too. It would leak and soak up the floors, but it's not something you'd notice directly. Even though I stopped using it, the water damage got so severe the floors started to cave in and for the last year, I'd have to walk around holes in my hallway and bathroom. I bought a portable air conditioner for one room, which I already only stayed in the living room anyway. My kitchen, gross. I did have a decent job, though for the past five years (finally lost it two months ago). I worked third shift in a warehouse, and I was only able to keep it for that long simply because of their attendance policies. You didn't have to call in if you were late or not coming in at all or could leave early as long as you had the time to cover it, and I always managed to have just enough. Plus, I was lucky to have people in management who liked and looked after me and since I was a hard worker, they'd let some things slide that could have cost me my job. But, that finally ended. I also rarely take showers, but also rarely stink. Several people have made comments about how I have no scent. I was always afraid maybe I do stink but just didn't notice it, but that wasn't the case. I used to be someone who had to take at least two showers a day. I once went six months without one. I'd still wash my face, neck and any part of me that was showing about once a week, but didn't take a full shower. And believe me, I am grossed out by all this too. I think it's disgusting too, and yet, I couldn't change it. I was forced out of that environment only because I was getting evicted. I did manage to clean up some before I left but they are still not too happy.. but they have nooo idea how much worse it could have been. I've been living with my dad for a little over a month and I've taken two showers. Yay me.
OK then, I guess we're triplets. Or maybe the Three Musketeers! I am retired now but I have work 2nd and 3rd Shift practically my whole life! I'm glad you got out of that mess! I'm sure it will be a big weight lifted off my shoulders when I am forced to move but it will be severely stressful to move! and where I would move is 10 hours away by car. Definitely not looking forward to it
 
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ohhgeeitsme

ohhgeeitsme

Wizard
Feb 5, 2020
694
OK then, I guess we're triplets. Or maybe the Three Musketeers! I am retired now but I have work 2nd and 3rd Shift practically my whole life! I'm glad you got out of that mess! I'm sure it will be a big weight lifted off my shoulders when I am forced to move but it will be severely stressful to move! and where I would move is 10 hours away by car. Definitely not looking forward to it

Yeah, it was a weird combo of being super relieved to get out of there and super stressful because not only of getting evicted, but also being sued for damages. They have no idea where I went, so they haven't been able to contact me but I'm sure they've already went to court for this and since I was a no show, won. But now that I'm having to get a job here (just got another 3rd shift job paying 6 dollars less than I was making), they'll be able to find me.. so I'm just waiting for that one. I moved about 7 hours away. Of course, now my father just got a job offer and is moving out of state in about a month or so.. so, I don't even know what that means for me. Kind of seems like the perfect time to go.
 
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Despondent

Despondent

Archangel
Dec 20, 2019
6,777
I don't think about that.. but I do think about feeling nothing forever -- just as anyone does. It's the thought that there's no concept of time. That doesn't scare me, but what makes me think a lot is that it's nothing forever, and you don't even know it's nothing. What does nothing look like if it's nothing if that makes sense lol

Though I hate the thought of reincarnation, I think that there has to be something - maybe something that we've never thought of that will happen when we pass. I may sound oblivious, but if something as complex as life exists, there might be something more. Obviously, even if we didn't ctb we would die one day just as everyone else.
 
PoisonedJuliet

PoisonedJuliet

You saucy boy!
Feb 12, 2020
1,191
I think that we find peace after death and that could be in different ways for us. Maybe one person who wants a void full of nothing gets it and another person who is religious gets to go to heaven and another person comes back as a ghost and another person is reincarnated. The important thing is that each of us gets what we are looking to gain or looking to lose. I have no idea and I wish we could have the answers. Sorry if this idea sounds insane:ahhha:
 
k75

k75

L'appel du Vide
Jun 27, 2019
2,546
This weighs on me a lot. I want to minimize the amount of work I leave others. I figure I'm already devastating them by dying, so the least I can do is clean up after myself. My apartment isn't too bad compared to some, but it is more cluttered and messier than I want to leave it. I'm not a hoarder, but I tend to pile things on every available surface. I let things go as long as I can, then I have to emergency clean if someone decides to come over. I hate it, but I'm too embarrassed to show how dysfunctional I really am.

I know the cleanup will fall on my best friend and landlord, and I don't want them to have to do that on top of everything else. So I promised myself I'd get everything cleaned and packed up before doing anything. Packing is so hard and exhausting. It's taking forever because I just don't want to.

In a way, it's a safeguard... Messy apartment = me alive. On "good" days, all that's standing between me and ctb are a couple of really messy closets. It's ridiculous. I should just clean it and get it over with, but I'm really afraid of what comes next.
 
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A

alphabetsoup

Member
Feb 26, 2020
19
I'm pretty upset that I'll be leaving after doing so much work with my dad to turn my flat into a home. Moved in a few months ago, and it was a serious fixer-upper. It does make me sad to know that the floors will be removed and the walls painted over by the council after we put so much work and love into it. But I don't see a way out of the situation I'm in that I can survive, so on the bright side it will be nice to pass away in an environment that feels like home after 24 years without a real space to call my own. My friends and family will be alright without me, they're used to coping with death, including by suicide- my biggest concern is that I won't be found for a long time, and I feel bad for whoever will have to clean that mess up to make the flat suitable for whoever moves in next
 
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O

oopswronglife

Elementalist
Jun 27, 2019
870
I admit up front I have a trigger/bias here so am trying not to sound victim blaming or mean. I see a lot of people saying they are hoarders. As someone who has to live with with hoarders again as a dependent adult, and had growing up too...please clean it up...I am begging you. Just throwing out actual trash would eliminate half or more of hoarding messes. Not only will it make YOU feel better, it leaves behind so much stress and expense for others. It costs a lot to have things hauled off etc. It's impossible to find legal papers and important things. Not being able to find a path to life is a thing none of us want but understand that sometimes there is no possible way to live. Not being able to find a path to the kitchen is another thing. You can always pick up your mess and will always feel better after. It's a truly solvable problem unlike many we have. I understand it's difficult and not just laziness, I understand anxiety, I understand isolation. I am not saying you are terrible or worthless. I am saying it's possible and the payoff is big and makes life easier for all.

If my parents die before me, and it's unlikely, I will not go through their stuff at all, I will not clean up, I will toss or burn it all, and have to pay in time and money to do it and I resent this so much. They are both massive hoarders, so are their spouses, and refuse to address it. Shit is piled EVERYWHERE. Any flat surface is covered in random junk, wrappers, papers, no organization or cleanliness at all. Just a plowed path though the middle of rooms and spaces. This is one thing you CAN do to make sure the after effects are lessened and remove stress from your own life which might give you reserve for other stressors. We cannot live in pain every moment for others forever, so some damage is unavoidable if you have anyone else left who cares, but we can minimize what work we leave them.
 
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BPD Barbie

BPD Barbie

Visionary
Dec 1, 2019
2,361
a part of me makes me want to know the 'aftermath'.
Yeah I'd love to see people's reactions, are they really upset, how quickly do they move on etc. But we have no idea, I don't think we will ever know.
 
reesespiecesaregood

reesespiecesaregood

Member
Dec 27, 2019
45
I wonder a lot about that, but I've been realllly hoping we aren't. That's what scares me the most about ctb. The idea of what my family will go through after this is repeating in my mind over and over, so if I have to see the true aftermath that'd be a cruel joke.

I'd like to say I don't think so though, because I'm trying to really believe I'll find peace, or at least just nothing at all.
 

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