Venting Afraid of the future, but can't bear to break a promise

[borderline-feline]

I'm terrified of the passage of time, because I know that I don't have a future. At some point, I'm gonna have to quit my job. Once that happens, I won't be able to get a new one and will have to just live on disability, which would just limit me even further.

I've been trying to give up on my dreams of being an artist because I shouldn't have dreams. I have zero aptitude for anything, but especially creativity, and I have about a month left to return the drawing tablet I bought before I'm no longer able to return it. I just can't bring myself to give up on art, even though it's become tantamount to self-harm due to my inability to learn.

I have zero aptitude and zero skills. I don't know if I can even be fully considered to be a person in the philosophical sense, as I have no identity.

I want to die, but I made a promise to my favorite person. I told him that I wouldn't self-harm or kill myself, but I greatly regret that. I was afraid that he would leave me after a meltdown I had that involved trying to explain rational suicide to him, so I had no choice other than making a promise that I didn't mean. I can't do anything to hurt him more than I already do just by existing in his life. I think that my death would cause him less pain in the long run, but I could never get him to understand that.

When I tried to explain to someone that my death would cause him less pain than staying in his life would, I was just told not to kill myself for someone else's sake. By that same logic, why is it okay to expect me to stay alive for someone else's sake?

I want to get rid of all of my emotions, and death is the only way to do it.

I'm sorry that this was kind of all over the place. I'm not used to using a forum, and I'm generally bad at communicating. I want someone to just tell me what to do, but no one seems willing to do that. How do I even begin to approach any of this?

 

[Scythe]

My rational/normal advice is just ctb and leave him a note, trying to explain yourself, again. Important to tell him you are at peace in your note. Nobody has the right to force you to stay, and if you can, try to make some memories with him before you die.
Another solution can be asking him for help, seems like he knows you are struggling, if you don't want to ask for money. maybe he can help you give life another chance. By this I mean for a month/week, get a different lifestyle or try all the weird risky solutions you haven't tried before.

Now the weird and controversial advice, you promised to not self harm or suicide, you did not promise to do your best to make your life great. And I will assume you did not specify what counts as self-harm. So, I suggest, if you have what it takes, strave yourself to death, because you have a finical problem. This technically doesn't count as self-harm as you can say you couldn't afford food. You should also be able to get some time to draw and make art while you strave yourself to death. I am guessing you want to return the tablet for money? Or did you not make the full payment, either way, if you are not spending money on food and have disability government support. You should be able to keep the tablet. If you end up on the streets, which hopefully not, any coffee store or library should have a electric socket for your tablet. If it's a coffee shop You can just buy small cups of black coffee and drink it throughout the day, as long as the store doesn't get too full, you probably won't be a bother to the store.
Doing this will allow you to kind of keep your promise, chase your dreams and die.

 

[borderline-feline]

My rational/normal advice is just ctb and leave him a note, trying to explain yourself, again. Important to tell him you are at peace in your note. Nobody has the right to force you to stay, and if you can, try to make some memories with him before you die.
Another solution can be asking him for help, seems like he knows you are struggling, if you don't want to ask for money. maybe he can help you give life another chance. By this I mean for a month/week, get a different lifestyle or try all the weird risky solutions you haven't tried before.

Now the weird and controversial advice, you promised to not self harm or suicide, you did not promise to do your best to make your life great. And I will assume you did not specify what counts as self-harm. So, I suggest, if you have what it takes, strave yourself to death, because you have a finical problem. This technically doesn't count as self-harm as you can say you couldn't afford food. You should also be able to get some time to draw and make art while you strave yourself to death. I am guessing you want to return the tablet for money? Or did you not make the full payment, either way, if you are not spending money on food and have disability government support. You should be able to keep the tablet. If you end up on the streets, which hopefully not, any coffee store or library should have a electric socket for your tablet. If it's a coffee shop You can just buy small cups of black coffee and drink it throughout the day, as long as the store doesn't get too full, you probably won't be a bother to the store.
Doing this will allow you to kind of keep your promise, chase your dreams and die.

The reason for wanting to return the tablet is that I want to give up my dreams. I don't have the potential to learn because of how overwhelming it is and someone like me shouldn't have dreams anyway. Dreams are for people with actual identities.

I don't think I'd end up homeless. I currently live with my father, and disability money would be enough to pay for rent as well as my share of the utilities and my own groceries, but that would be pretty much it, especially since there's a limit for how much money you can have before you lose the disability benefits. When my dad eventually dies, I'd get more money from the government, so I'd be able to afford a small studio apartment as well as utilities and groceries.

The reason why I'll have to quit my job eventually is that my sister is eventually going to get a job that actually uses her degree, so I won't have a way of getting to work. People have suggested freelancing to me, but that requires writing skill and probably wouldn't pay enough for me to afford insurance.

I can't ask my favorite person for money since he's already facing financial difficulties. On top of that, I don't want to burden him any further than I already do. He lives in a different country than me, so I don't even know how he would get the news if I was to ctb. It's a long-distance relationship, and he doesn't have contact with anyone I know IRL.

As for starving, I already know how I want to ctb. I want to die to get rid of pain, so I want to go with the least painful way possible, which I imagine would be a quick opium OD after taking anti-emetics. Guns are always a possibility since I was raised in a very gun-heavy environment, but I'm too afraid of messing up.

I'm sorry for just shooting down all of your suggestions. I've been told that I'm difficult to help because I have a tendency to do that. The other main reason why I haven't caught the bus yet is that I can't do things on my own. I kinda wish I could just live as my favorite person's pet (not in a sexual way, but a more literal way), being a cute housecat that no one would want to abandon, but I know that that wouldn't make him happy.

 

[looseye]

The reason for wanting to return the tablet is that I want to give up my dreams. I don't have the potential to learn because of how overwhelming it is and someone like me shouldn't have dreams anyway. Dreams are for people with actual identities.

Don't punch yourself down over this, mate. Learning will always be overwhelming, it's just the nature of it. Think of your favorite artist, if you have one, it probably took them a very long time to master their craft and their early work must have looked like horse shit. Learning is a slow and energy-intense process that doesn't come over night - but the preliminary results can be highly rewarding nevertheless.

If you enjoy drawing, then keep doing it. Doesn't matter if it will make you any money or how much artistic progress you're making. Like it? Do it.
sad person + passion = less sad person, or something like this

I'm not sure if I understand what your sister has to do with you needing to quit your job. Could you elaborate a little on that please?

 

[borderline-feline]

Don't punch yourself down over this, mate. Learning will always be overwhelming, it's just the nature of it. Think of your favorite artist, if you have one, it probably took them a very long time to master their craft and their early work must have looked like horse shit. Learning is a slow and energy-intense process that doesn't come over night - but the preliminary results can be highly rewarding nevertheless.

If you enjoy drawing, then keep doing it. Doesn't matter if it will make you any money or how much artistic progress you're making. Like it? Do it.
sad person + passion = less sad person, or something like this

I'm not sure if I understand what your sister has to do with you needing to quit your job. Could you elaborate a little on that please?

I highly doubt that any of my favorite artists have had meltdowns from being unable to draw the most simple of things to the point that they started biting themselves. I completely lack creativity, and I can't visualize things in my mind, so I can't create any kind of art. I've tried, but I've only wanted to learn to draw during times when my suicidal ideation has been particularly intense, like right now.

I think I only try things as a means of punishing myself. I want to learn to draw to try and cope with something admittedly insignificant that's been making me spiral out of control for the past few months. I'd rather not explain the specifics, because people just tell me to grow up and get over it.

I don't know what passion feels like, and I don't even know if I like drawing. I've never actually finished a drawing before. I tried writing for years, but I hated every second of it. I just wanted so badly to be good at something, but that's never gonna happen. I don't have a personality or an identity, so there's nothing I can create.

I'm not punching myself down; I'm merely acknowledging my limitations. I wish other people could see those limitations though.

I work with my sister, so she's the one who drives me to work. I can't drive due to my disability, so I don't really have any options for getting to work once she eventually gets a job that uses her degree. I'm just the pretty(ish? I jest; I actually look like a hobgoblin) daughter; she's the one our father is actually proud of. She's likely gonna go for a master's degree at some point, and I couldn't even graduate high school.

 

[Scythe]

Art is hard, some people just can't learn how to draw certain things for the life of them and that's fine. It's also fine you didn't like any of my suggestions, my advice are known to be not the best. Thank you for actually taking the time to read them.

Either way, I don't think you should give up on your dreams. Seems like you got stuck in a bottleneck. I was too, for me, what helped was I tried other forms of art. For example, craving wood and making pixel art. Another thing I did is studies, I tried to replicate other people's work. I mainly tried to replicate in game sprite. If you google art study material, you should also be able to find some good stuff. I am assuming you are having anatomic issues in your drawings? If you are drawing humans there's tons and yons of references online, you can trace the little manikenin figurine things. (You know? the white doll like human drawings with no distinct features) They are there for people to trace so they can improve.
Animals are a bit harder to find references of...I suggest using real photos for animal references.

Another thing is I know a lot of artists have confidence issies. There is a chance your work is actually good, of course, there's going to be a lot of people better than you. But that's life, no matter what you do, there's always someone better.

I also suggest trying vent art, if you don't know what that is...google it. Anyways, don't give up on your passions and dreams. At least for me, they are the things I value the most.

 

[borderline-feline]

Art is hard, some people just can't learn how to draw certain things for the life of them and that's fine. It's also fine you didn't like any of my suggestions, my advice are known to be not the best. Thank you for actually taking the time to read them.

Either way, I don't think you should give up on your dreams. Seems like you got stuck in a bottleneck. I was too, for me, what helped was I tried other forms of art. For example, craving wood and making pixel art. Another thing I did is studies, I tried to replicate other people's work. I mainly tried to replicate in game sprite. If you google art study material, you should also be able to find some good stuff. I am assuming you are having anatomic issues in your drawings? If you are drawing humans there's tons and yons of references online, you can trace the little manikenin figurine things. (You know? the white doll like human drawings with no distinct features) They are there for people to trace so they can improve.
Animals are a bit harder to find references of...I suggest using real photos for animal references.

Another thing is I know a lot of artists have confidence issies. There is a chance your work is actually good, of course, there's going to be a lot of people better than you. But that's life, no matter what you do, there's always someone better.

I also suggest trying vent art, if you don't know what that is...google it. Anyways, don't give up on your passions and dreams. At least for me, they are the things I value the most.

I'm familiar with vent art. A few artists I follow do it. That said, it's not just anatomical issues. I just can't handle creating something new. The last time I tried to draw a face, I couldn't figure out the placement for anything, so I got frustrated, gave up, and put the tablet back in the box where it is now.

I need validation that I'm bad at this stuff. I tried asking my favorite person if he could tell me that I'm not capable of learning to draw and that I'm awful at writing, but he said he couldn't do that. He doesn't think it's true, which is invalidating in and of itself, but he refuses to help me because he's "not someone who gives up". I say he's blinded by his feelings for me, so he can't view anything I do as bad.

I have no interest in any other form of art. Even if I had interest, art takes creativity and identity, both of which being things I lack. I'm pretty sure I don't even want to draw for worthwhile reasons. All I do is make myself feel worse while the world tells me that I'm not allowed to give up on anything, which is infuriating.

This probably sounds childish, and I know that if I could learn to draw, then it'd be helpful for me to cope with the specific issues I've been having for months, but I know that it's not worth trying since I'm not capable of learning to draw. I've kinda built my life around media consumption; I'm sort of an otaku. I connect and relate to fiction in ways that I don't think are quite common because I use it as a coping mechanism. Because of that connection, I constantly want to *create* media, but actually trying to do it just ends up being bad for my health.

That fact by itself, the connection issues that I have, regardless of real or fiction, is a big part of why I feel worthless. I become obsessed. I've compared myself to Matsuzaka Satou from Happy Sugar Life in that regard. I know that's the kind of connection that some say shouldn't be made, but I'm gonna talk about my disorder and my experience with it how I want to.

I get ideas in my head while I'm working or just sitting around, and it makes me want to die since I know that I can't do anything with any kind of story idea or design idea. I can't do things for myself, which is why I haven't been able to bring myself to return the tablet. I feel like I need permission to do it as well as validation for the reasons why I want to return it and give up. I think I kinda feel that way about life too, like I need permission to die.

Hobbies are almost like life in that regard in that people have a tendency to view them both as important things to never give up, no matter how much better it would be if a given person managed to.

I don't know whether or not it's really me that wants to learn to draw. I mean, I don't really know who I am. I don't know how anyone would describe me since I don't really have any proven personal traits. My favorite person draws, so it's entirely possible that this could be something that's not my desire, but instead him becoming a pseudo-identity for me temporarily.

 

[LookingOverTheEdge]

My rational/normal advice is just ctb and leave him a note, trying to explain yourself, again. Important to tell him you are at peace in your note. Nobody has the right to force you to stay, and if you can, try to make some memories with him before you die.
Another solution can be asking him for help, seems like he knows you are struggling, if you don't want to ask for money. maybe he can help you give life another chance. By this I mean for a month/week, get a different lifestyle or try all the weird risky solutions you haven't tried before.

Now the weird and controversial advice, you promised to not self harm or suicide, you did not promise to do your best to make your life great. And I will assume you did not specify what counts as self-harm. So, I suggest, if you have what it takes, strave yourself to death, because you have a finical problem. This technically doesn't count as self-harm as you can say you couldn't afford food. You should also be able to get some time to draw and make art while you strave yourself to death. I am guessing you want to return the tablet for money? Or did you not make the full payment, either way, if you are not spending money on food and have disability government support. You should be able to keep the tablet. If you end up on the streets, which hopefully not, any coffee store or library should have a electric socket for your tablet. If it's a coffee shop You can just buy small cups of black coffee and drink it throughout the day, as long as the store doesn't get too full, you probably won't be a bother to the store.
Doing this will allow you to kind of keep your promise, chase your dreams and die.

With the greatest respect, I very strongly believe that nobody on here should EVER advise someone to ctb, in any way, shape, or form. I get that ultimately, we're all here for the same reason, and this place has information that a determined person could use to make their own decision. That's fair enough, I'm pro choice and would never presume to tell anyone that their feelings or decisions are invalid. But to actively advise someone, 'rationally/normally', to take their life. That's just irresponsible. You don't know this person. You don't really know their situation, or if they may be susceptible to influence. So I seriously think you need to keep that in mind and be very cautious about that when you talk to people on here.

To OP, I would say that I've read your story, and I'm very sorry that you've come to a place where you feel as you do. I'd like to give you a few observations, and please bear in mind it's just my thoughts and opinions so take them as you will.

First, you're not really bound by a promise to anyone. I'd like to believe we live in a world where things like promises and honour carried weight, but we don't. It's your life. Do what you need to do for you.

Second, if you're not sure that drawing is for you, then maybe it isn't. But that doesn't mean you have no talents or aptitudes. Everybody is good at some things and not so good at others. Maybe you just haven't found your niche yet? And if you really enjoy something, then it shouldn't matter if you're 'good' at it or not. Do it because you enjoy it, and aim to improve bit by bit as you go. The first step at being great at something, is being really bad at it.

Finally (for now at least), it strikes me that you seem to be constantly seeking validation/permission for everything in your life. I understand it. I'm a person who sees no self worth unless I'm needed by others. It's kind of similar. But here's the thing. Validation from other people, especially on the internet, counts for very little. Even if we've been conditioned in the modern world to think it counts for so much.
You have to be ok with yourself. And at the moment it really sounds like you're not.
The best I can advise with that is try different things. See what you enjoy. Push your boundaries a little if you can and leave that comfort zone. Easier said than done I'm well aware but if you can make it work, the rewards are well worth it.

I feel for you, and I hate the way that life can be so unfair to people who likely deserve much better. I hope that you can work something out and find a little slice of peace and happiness for yourself. I really do. Like I said, I'm very much pro choice, but I do believe that you should exhaust all options of things maybe getting better before going for the off switch you know?
I'm here if you want to talk at any point.

 

[borderline-feline]

With the greatest respect, I very strongly believe that nobody on here should EVER advise someone to ctb, in any way, shape, or form. I get that ultimately, we're all here for the same reason, and this place has information that a determined person could use to make their own decision. That's fair enough, I'm pro choice and would never presume to tell anyone that their feelings or decisions are invalid. But to actively advise someone, 'rationally/normally', to take their life. That's just irresponsible. You don't know this person. You don't really know their situation, or if they may be susceptible to influence. So I seriously think you need to keep that in mind and be very cautious about that when you talk to people on here.

To OP, I would say that I've read your story, and I'm very sorry that you've come to a place where you feel as you do. I'd like to give you a few observations, and please bear in mind it's just my thoughts and opinions so take them as you will.

First, you're not really bound by a promise to anyone. I'd like to believe we live in a world where things like promises and honor carried weight, but we don't. It's your life. Do what you need to do for you.

Second, if you're not sure that drawing is for you, then maybe it isn't. But that doesn't mean you have no talents or aptitudes. Everybody is good at some things and not so good at others. Maybe you just haven't found your niche yet? And if you really enjoy something, then it shouldn't matter if you're 'good' at it or not. Do it because you enjoy it, and aim to improve bit by bit as you go. The first step at being great at something, is being really bad at it.

Finally (for now at least), it strikes me that you seem to be constantly seeking validation/permission for everything in your life. I understand it. I'm a person who sees no self worth unless I'm needed by others. It's kind of similar. But here's the thing. Validation from other people, especially on the internet, counts for very little. Even if we've been conditioned in the modern world to think it counts for so much.
You have to be ok with yourself. And at the moment it really sounds like you're not.
The best I can advise with that is try different things. See what you enjoy. Push your boundaries a little if you can and leave that comfort zone. Easier said than done I'm well aware but if you can make it work, the rewards are well worth it.

I feel for you, and I hate the way that life can be so unfair to people who likely deserve much better. I hope that you can work something out and find a little slice of peace and happiness for yourself. I really do. Like I said, I'm very much pro choice, but I do believe that you should exhaust all options of things maybe getting better before going for the off switch you know?
I'm here if you want to talk at any point.

I feel bound by the promise because I don't want to hurt my favorite person. I'm also afraid that if I were to try to catch the bus and fail, then he'd be upset that I broke the promise and would just leave me out of frustration. I know that these thoughts and fears are probably irrational, but that doesn't end up meaning much to me. As my username would suggest, I react very negatively to any perceived abandonment.

I've tried a lot of different things, and I've observed 2 things. Firstly, I'm bad at everything I do because everything overwhelms me. Secondly, I don't know if there's anything I really enjoy. I don't really understand my emotions. I don't even know what parts of me are actually me and what parts are just things that have rubbed off on me from other people. What do I actually like? I can't answer something like that.

I have a very small comfort zone because I get overwhelmed so easily. In reality, the life I'd actually enjoy having would involve taking on a sort of pet role (not in a sexual context). I want someone else to have control over my life, my schedule, and my bank account so that I can avoid thoughts and not make impulsive purchases. Sadly, my favorite person isn't the type who'd be comfortable with any kind of authority (we've had the conversation).

I don't think that there's a slice of peace and happiness for me. Not everyone can be good at things, especially in the case of a blank person who doesn't even know who she is. I don't think I'm able to become one of those people who's good at things or become someone who has a reason to live. I can't improve because I'm treatment resistant, and I still haven't gotten a good medication combo. Part of me kind of misses the time I spent in high school self-medicating with ketamine. It wasn't healthy, but I at least didn't feel any pain.

I need validation and permission because I'm lesser to other people around me in terms of potential. I also need validation and permission from other people for everything in life because I don't want them to have any possible reason to leave me. If I'm wholly dependent on them, then it makes it harder for them to leave. I'm also not capable of becoming independent because I'm no one without the people around me. I don't have a set-in-stone personality or an identity.

I have an appointment with my psychiatrist next month, but I don't know if that'll have any impact. I haven't been able to see him in months because of insurance reasons, which is just lovely when you consider how much my life has been spiraling since August.

I also don't have a self to be okay with.

 

[LookingOverTheEdge]

I really want to be able to support you, in whatever way I can. But things being the way you describe them tells me this is way beyond something I could be qualified to deal with.
I will give you one piece of advice though, take it as you will. Growing up, I realised early that the best way to fit in with people was to be like they were. And so I would pretend that I was. That led me to a realisation that I'd spent so long pretending to be things, that I didn't know who I actually was when that was said and done. And that's a tough question to answer.

But here's the thing. That works both ways. If you can pretend to be something for other people, then you can pretend to be something for yourself. So I would ask you, just as I had to ask myself, who do you want to be? Create a vision in your head of how you'd like to be able to see yourself. And then move towards making that a reality.

Sounds crazy, I know. But it's possible. Know what I wanted to be? A superhero. I grew up on marvel, and Saturday morning cartoons. And I loved and admired the heroes, and the sacrifices they made.

Full disclosure. I have the potential to be a very nasty person indeed. I can lie and act with the best of them if I want to. And I could do harm without a second thought and sleep like a baby. I know this. I know who I am. But knowing what I want to be, has meant I spent most of my life sticking up for the underdog. Defending people who couldn't defend themselves. And because my idea of a hero was someone who's honest, I forced myself to always, and I mean always be truthful. Even when I could have made my life a lot easier by lying.

Admittedly, that has gotten me in to a shit ton of trouble over the years. But it also gave me some pride. Because I was being who I wanted to be.

I don't know if this advice will help you, and I can't promise it will work for you or change anything. But it seems to me that when you look at yourself, all you can see are faults and failures. So I urge you, flip the narrative. What have you got to lose?

 

[borderline-feline]

I really want to be able to support you, in whatever way I can. But things being the way you describe them tells me this is way beyond something I could be qualified to deal with.
I will give you one piece of advice though, take it as you will. Growing up, I realized early that the best way to fit in with people was to be like they were. And so I would pretend that I was. That led me to a realization that I'd spent so long pretending to be things, that I didn't know who I actually was when that was said and done. And that's a tough question to answer.

But here's the thing. That works both ways. If you can pretend to be something for other people, then you can pretend to be something for yourself. So I would ask you, just as I had to ask myself, who do you want to be? Create a vision in your head of how you'd like to be able to see yourself. And then move towards making that a reality.

Sounds crazy, I know. But it's possible. Know what I wanted to be? A superhero. I grew up on marvel, and Saturday morning cartoons. And I loved and admired the heroes, and the sacrifices they made.

Full disclosure. I have the potential to be a very nasty person indeed. I can lie and act with the best of them if I want to. And I could do harm without a second thought and sleep like a baby. I know this. I know who I am. But knowing what I want to be, has meant I spent most of my life sticking up for the underdog. Defending people who couldn't defend themselves. And because my idea of a hero was someone who's honest, I forced myself to always, and I mean always be truthful. Even when I could have made my life a lot easier by lying.

Admittedly, that has gotten me in to a shit ton of trouble over the years. But it also gave me some pride. Because I was being who I wanted to be.

I don't know if this advice will help you, and I can't promise it will work for you or change anything. But it seems to me that when you look at yourself, all you can see are faults and failures. So I urge you, flip the narrative. What have you got to lose?

It's alright. I appreciate the fact that you took the time to listen and hear me out. It can be hard to find people who are actually willing to listen.

For me, it's not necessarily that I try to fit in with people, but instead that I don't really have a sense of self. It's more that I don't really exist. I latch onto another person and assume their traits because I lack a clear picture of my own. Identity disturbance is one of the big aspects of borderline personality disorder. I genuinely don't know who I am. All I know is that I like certain specific things like the catgirl aesthetic I shoehorn into everything of mine.

The only future I can really see myself enjoying is he fantasy I described before of being a pet. I've never been able to stick to an idea of what I want to do as a career for more than a week. Everything is changing and fleeting, except for the wish that I could've been born a simple housecat. I'd be taken care of and wouldn't have the problems that I do.

My disorder also why so much comes back to fear of hurting/upsetting my favorite person and causing him to leave me. I don't know what I like because my emotions change so quickly that I can't manage to register what I feel. I don't even understand complex emotions, but I think I probably experience them.

 

[LookingOverTheEdge]

I know that you and I are different people with a different situation and set of problems, I just detect a few hints of things that we have in common, that's all.

I'm no expert at this, and god knows I have enough demons of my own that are winning the fight, that I'm not really qualified to be helping anyone when I can't help myself. But I still try, and genuinely, though I don't know you, doesn't mean I don't care about you and your situation.

I really hope you can figure something out, maybe get some help and support to figure things out for yourself, and find some kind of peace. Because whether or not you think you do, you do deserve that much at least.
I wish you the best of luck.

 

[borderline-feline]

I know that you and I are different people with a different situation and set of problems, I just detect a few hints of things that we have in common, that's all.

I'm no expert at this, and god knows I have enough demons of my own that are winning the fight, that I'm not really qualified to be helping anyone when I can't help myself. But I still try, and genuinely, though I don't know you, doesn't mean I don't care about you and your situation.

I really hope you can figure something out, maybe get some help and support to figure things out for yourself, and find some kind of peace. Because whether or not you think you do, you do deserve that much at least.
I wish you the best of luck.

To be honest, I don't know if I want peace. I don't handle change well, and I lack an identity as it is, so I feel like I'd cease to exist if I changed even more. Whether or not I deserve happiness, it makes me incredibly anxious when I feel good, because I know that something is gonna go wrong.

I don't really have a way of finding support. Even beyond the fact that treatment scares the shit out of me, I can't exactly tell my psychiatrist that I want to kill myself. That'd just make my entire situation worse.

I'm still running out of time to return the tablet I mentioned. I decided that if I don't return it by the deadline, then I'm just gonna take a hammer and smash it. Maybe I could get some amount of closure out of that and truly convince myself to give up on my dreams.