Venting afraid of intimacy

[lamargue]

i'm afraid to enter into romantic relationships out of the fear that i will corrupt a potential partner. i've only just realized this, previously believing that i had gynophobia, when in reality i fear that i will never meet the expectations placed upon me by others. these expectations consist in being able to function normally, providing value in some way, etc. expectations are met upon making the initial step (because of appearance), and are subsequently broken down by personality, so even if women take interest in me, it's irrelevant. i become too nervous to do anything, since i can't separate the fact that something intimate might develop from the interaction at hand. it's partly the reason why i failed once in the past, an experience which changed my perception of myself.

my inexperience only becomes worse when most people my age have had some form of intimacy with another. so really i have no place intervening on the relationships that normal people foster with eachother. it would be like an animal disguised as a human trying to form a relationship with another human. the fact of codependency means that we expect certain things of our partner, and are consequently conscious of the perception of others which reinforce certain aspects of a relationship: since i can only anticipate that a potential partner will be concerned with judgement, it would be disingenuous to manufacture socially desirable traits which lack the underlying chemistry needed to sustain a relationship. after all, i cannot relate to people on any level whatsoever.

moreover, i'm a deviant. a degenerate. not in the sense of sexual promiscuity, but that my addiction to pornography has tainted how i view sex in society, and consequently my desires, which disgust me, are inevitably tied to this. i neither objectify nor depersonalize. i simply do not want to corrupt something which i perceive as untainted by depravity, and even if they secretly hold vices in some way -- as most people likely do -- it is essentially promiscuity and not necessarily sexual ineptitude, at least in cases where there are expectations to begin with.

this has lead to me developing a fear of intimacy, and hence why, even if given attention, can never progress into a relationship. i'm essentially what incel communities would call a mentalcel or volcel, though i don't really desire to use that language. this in conjunction with my social ineptitude contributes to the feeling that i am utterly inhuman.

has anyone had similar thoughts?

 

[FoxSauce]

i'm afraid to enter into romantic relationships out of the fear that i will corrupt a potential partner. i've only just realized this, previously believing that i had gynophobia, when in reality i fear that i will never meet the expectations placed upon me by others. these expectations consist in being able to function normally, providing value in some way, etc. expectations are met upon making the initial step (because of appearance), and are subsequently broken down by personality, so even if women take interest in me, it's irrelevant. i become too nervous to do anything, since i can't separate the fact that something intimate might develop from the interaction at hand. it's partly the reason why i failed once in the past, an experience which changed my perception of myself.

my inexperience only becomes worse when most people my age have had some form of intimacy with another. so really i have no place intervening on the relationships that normal people foster with eachother. it would be like an animal disguised as a human trying to form a relationship with another human. the fact of codependency means that we expect certain things of our partner, and are consequently conscious of the perception of others which reinforce certain aspects of a relationship: since i can only anticipate that a potential partner will be concerned with judgement, it would be disingenuous to manufacture socially desirable traits which lack the underlying chemistry needed to sustain a relationship. after all, i cannot relate to people on any level whatsoever.

moreover, i'm a deviant. a degenerate. not in the sense of sexual promiscuity, but that my addiction to pornography has tainted how i view sex in society, and consequently my desires, which disgust me, are inevitably tied to this. i neither objectify nor depersonalize. i simply do not want to corrupt something which i perceive as untainted by depravity, and even if they secretly hold vices in some way -- as most people likely do -- it is essentially promiscuity and not necessarily sexual ineptitude, at least in cases where there are expectations to begin with.

this has lead to me developing a fear of intimacy, and hence why, even if given attention, can never progress into a relationship. i'm essentially what incel communities would call a mentalcel or volcel, though i don't really desire to use that language. this in conjunction with my social ineptitude contributes to the feeling that i am utterly inhuman.

has anyone had similar thoughts?

Yeah , intimacy can be a scary thing, ofc not only how hard is finding a genuine person to be with. Nowadays people have "other interests in mind" (not ALL people) also beacuse of ourselfs we may think that we're not good enough to be with anyone or what's the point , they can just use me and leave me or maybe you know deep down they can find someone better. (I prob didn't make sense- so if I didn't make sense my bad)

 

[Heartaches]

I'm on the same boat. I yearn and fear intimacy at the same time, I feel there are so many expectations attached that I'd be unable to fulfill, especially if my partner wants something sexual (I'm asexual and don't feel a lot when engaging in sexual activities). It doesn't help that I've been in troublesome or abusive relationships before, so I'm forever cautious that I'll be stuck in the same cycle.

I miss feeling loved and cared in an intimate way and I feel I'll never get to experience it again. Which sucks because most of my friends have deeply loving partners. It makes me ask myself why I have no luck and what makes me less worthy of love. It sucks.​

 

[lamargue]

Yeah , intimacy can be a scary thing, ofc not only how hard is finding a genuine person to be with. Nowadays people have "other interests in mind" (not ALL people) also beacuse of ourselfs we may think that we're not good enough to be with anyone or what's the point , they can just use me and leave me or maybe you know deep down they can find someone better. (I prob didn't make sense- so if I didn't make sense my bad)

no, you made perfect sense! people have wants that are independent from myself. they may seek something that i can't provide, and the fact is that i'm unaware of this want because it is independent of social norms; but wants dependent on social norms in general are ones that i'm unable to meet in the first place, since i consider myself inhuman.

I'm on the same boat. I yearn and fear intimacy at the same time, I feel there are so many expectations attached that I'd be unable to fulfill, especially if my partner wants something sexual (I'm asexual and don't feel a lot when engaging in sexual activities). It doesn't help that I've been in troublesome or abusive relationships before, so I'm forever cautious that I'll be stuck in the same cycle.

I miss feeling loved and cared in an intimate way and I feel I'll never get to experience it again. Which sucks because most of my friends have deeply loving partners. It makes me ask myself why I have no luck and what makes me less worthy of love. It sucks.​

sorry to hear about your suffering. yeah, i get that there is something uncomfortable about being in a relationship where your sexual desires are expected to be mirrored. for me, this fear consists in my inexperience.

 

[sugarb]

i'm afraid to enter into romantic relationships out of the fear that i will corrupt a potential partner. i've only just realized this, previously believing that i had gynophobia, when in reality i fear that i will never meet the expectations placed upon me by others. these expectations consist in being able to function normally, providing value in some way, etc. expectations are met upon making the initial step (because of appearance), and are subsequently broken down by personality, so even if women take interest in me, it's irrelevant. i become too nervous to do anything, since i can't separate the fact that something intimate might develop from the interaction at hand. it's partly the reason why i failed once in the past, an experience which changed my perception of myself.

my inexperience only becomes worse when most people my age have had some form of intimacy with another. so really i have no place intervening on the relationships that normal people foster with eachother. it would be like an animal disguised as a human trying to form a relationship with another human. the fact of codependency means that we expect certain things of our partner, and are consequently conscious of the perception of others which reinforce certain aspects of a relationship: since i can only anticipate that a potential partner will be concerned with judgement, it would be disingenuous to manufacture socially desirable traits which lack the underlying chemistry needed to sustain a relationship. after all, i cannot relate to people on any level whatsoever.

moreover, i'm a deviant. a degenerate. not in the sense of sexual promiscuity, but that my addiction to pornography has tainted how i view sex in society, and consequently my desires, which disgust me, are inevitably tied to this. i neither objectify nor depersonalize. i simply do not want to corrupt something which i perceive as untainted by depravity, and even if they secretly hold vices in some way -- as most people likely do -- it is essentially promiscuity and not necessarily sexual ineptitude, at least in cases where there are expectations to begin with.

this has lead to me developing a fear of intimacy, and hence why, even if given attention, can never progress into a relationship. i'm essentially what incel communities would call a mentalcel or volcel, though i don't really desire to use that language. this in conjunction with my social ineptitude contributes to the feeling that i am utterly inhuman.

has anyone had similar thoughts?

I used to

I'm not particularly pornbrained but I definitely felt strange/awkward when I tried to do romance. I had a crush on a few dudes and girls and attempted flirting with two different gals (was pretty sure mom wouldn't care for me being bi + one was taken), but one was aroace and the other I found out after texting a while had a boyfriend. There were two other girls who I later realized had interest in me but one of them was sligjtly racist and wanted to be a nurse (don't like nurses) and the other while cute and funny also mostly just liked that I was taller than her and vaped which I didn't like

I was let down and curiously attempted to "practice" romance online with varying results, eventually finding my current partner of 6 months (though we've barely talked for 2). Unfortunately the "used to" I mentioned at the start of this spiel was not recovery but a different sickness.

At present I don't know if I'm afraid of intimacy but I no longer take very much interest in people at all and am somewhat averse to the idea of touch. Like, I just don't find others interesting. There is no-one on earth who's day I genuinely want to hear about. She's a nice girl and I do care about her but I don't really have any bond with her.

I feel like a robot. I enjoy talking to and comforting people to an extent but it's also largely to keep myself busy and I'm not really attached to anyone

anyway that's where you might end up

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yes, I can relate to this in a way. I had a very strict upbringing. No sex before marriage and all that. In my head, sex has become marriage pretty much. I also have a ridiculous idealised fairytale idea of romance coupled with limerence- idealised crushes on people. Plus, I'm unattractive and never in the same league to the people I go for. I pretty much disgust myself. So, I don't think I've got the confidence to be intimate with someone. Plus, morally it doesn't feel right with the possibility of suicide being so likely. I reckon I'd be an emotional wreck around someone and it doesn't feel fair to put that worry on anyone. Even if I got the opportunity.

Weirdly, I do have a fairly high sex drive but it's also a bit deviant. Again- like you- not really perverted or illegal or anything. Just, not all that compatible with my other idealised, romantic, gentle idea of love! So, I feel like realistically- my wants and desires are all over the place and I'm not desirable either. So, it's probably better for everyone- including me, that I'm alone. Good job I have a good imagination!