PxB
Member
- Dec 18, 2021
- 16
I thought I could just ctb again if reincarnation is a possibility, but then I realized that there's a chance that I may live my next life as disadvantaged person who is unable to ctb due to severe mental illness, living in poverty with no access to internet to know proper methods of successful ctbing and unable to afford equipment for ctbing, and living in worse environment like in a warzone.
How can I combat this fear?
I can't take this shit anymore. I'm a schizophrenic, autistic, paranoid, and severely ugly human who is unable to be sensible and make rational decisions and I'm socially retarded. Nobody sympathizes with me because I am unable to express empathy due to being a social retard. Because of that I get mistaken by everyone (including my parents) as the bad guy while my bullies are seen as the good guys and they think I deserve this. I'm broke mentally, physically and financially. No support in emotional and financial whatsoever because nobody cares about an undesirable like me. I'm unable to support myself emotionally and financially as I am too weak mentally to work and carry myself on my own and nobody wants to help me due to being so undesirable. And as a man this is a death sentence because nobody cares about men like me who is both ugly and mentally ill. Only my parents does but I think everything will go downhill once they're gone, and soon that may happen considering how my parents is showing signs of cognitive decline and other illnesses. I could see myself in the future living on the streets and being taken advantaged of by thugs if I don't get the courage to ctb.
I feel like I am trapped in a never ending hellhole with no escape. Because I keep making stupid mistakes. I could never learn from past mistakes because I've been gaslighted so much by my bullies that my mind is now gaslighting me too. I keep having second thoughts whenever I'm deciding at something. I always automatically choose the wrong answer due to having low confidence in myself, my mind thinks that I have no rights to trust in myself anymoreq because I didn't prove my bullies that I'm worthy by fighting back, my mind is so defeated that it instead wants to trust in those bullies who gaslighted me in the past instead.
I'm also confused at what to do in the moment. I can't decide if I should fight back on one of my worst bully who caused me so much suffering or just ctb.
The revenge success stories (bullied beating up their bullies bloody and making them apologize genuinely) I read on the internet is tempting me. Also hearing about being able to get away with it using my autistic/mentally ill card pass is tempting. Also the idea that my mind would be centered again if I finally made him pay for the traumatic shit he did ( I did it before and I successfully got my revenge at one my bullies at 17 yo and got away with it and only got minor punishment (getting sent to a private rehab center) and feeling so amazing for having finally being able to release all of the mental pain.) Also the idea that my classmates would side with me and help me win the case because they hate that bully as well, and get massive respect from them and other people for defeating a giant monster (6ft 200 pounds). Also the idea that it would get broadcasted in the news (his family has connections with the media) and then get massive respect from everyone for standing up to a big bully as a special ed. Also the idea that he has done 10 years of violating me, horrible shit I can't even explain and knowing that he will be able to fully get away with it (if I'm not capable of getting away with revenge anymore) in the next few years and see him enjoy his life while I suffer permanently if I don't get my revenge and me feeling extreme regret for not doing what I have to do when I have the opportunity.
But there are times were my ego is low and I would think that ctb is the only option because I feel like I wouldn't go anywhere doing revenge because I think that the worst outcomes is more likely to happen: going to prison and getting even worse bullies without getting bailed out by parents, and parents passing away after I get out, or getting out of prison early as possible but then meeting another bully again but even worse than before and get bullied for a long time having to get revenge again but no help from parents this time. Also thinking that those bullies are actually doing it for my own good and they're just trying to help me in a manly way is making me feel like there was nothing wrong to what they did to me.
There's a strong urge deep inside me to get my revenge because I watched so much redpill videos and read so much stuff on incel forums about vengeful stuff that wanting to get revenge is now ingrained in my head and I can't fully get rid of that fighting spirit because I tried their advices before (above I said about getting revenge on a bully at 17 yo) and it worked, I felt the best feeling, catharsis, and I got respect from people (although temporarily). I have done it before and I feel like I must do it again because I have chosen the path of a fighter, and it feels wrong to not be consistent and also the fact that I'm am an embarrassment in my family and I feel like this is the only way I can prove my worth to them, my parents would always tell me to fight back and I feel like I'm letting them down if I don't do it.
I'm really struggling from those traumatic memories and this is what has been happening to me:
I could hardly speak/talk coherently anymore. I would miss to say some words whenever I'm speaking or always say some stupid shit that I would regret later on, but I can't stop talking because the other person would talk over me if I did. I would realize how stupid I was after the conversation has ended and then make cringy facial expressions and say cuss words repeatedly (directed to myself) in my bedroom for minutes as if I have toureettes syndrome. The only way I can communicate properly is via texting/messaging/chat, but even that I fail too. I would miss to say some words as well. In person or in messaging, I would have a hard time trying to think of something to say for minutes.
I am also forgetful. Long term and short term memory problems is what I'm dealing with rn. I feel like an old man. I have a hard time remembering what I did a few seconds ago. Day to day has become a struggle because of this.
I can't be mindful of the present anymore. Those memories are too much that everything triggers those memories and I can't stop thinking about it.
I really have a strong feeling that revenge is the answer for my problems. I feel like I would have a better life. I don't fear losing any privileges like being able to travel and get a job because I feel like there's no point in having those things if I'm not able to enjoy it, secure it, cherish it, or whatever if my mind is too messed up and lacking integrity.
How can I combat this fear?
I can't take this shit anymore. I'm a schizophrenic, autistic, paranoid, and severely ugly human who is unable to be sensible and make rational decisions and I'm socially retarded. Nobody sympathizes with me because I am unable to express empathy due to being a social retard. Because of that I get mistaken by everyone (including my parents) as the bad guy while my bullies are seen as the good guys and they think I deserve this. I'm broke mentally, physically and financially. No support in emotional and financial whatsoever because nobody cares about an undesirable like me. I'm unable to support myself emotionally and financially as I am too weak mentally to work and carry myself on my own and nobody wants to help me due to being so undesirable. And as a man this is a death sentence because nobody cares about men like me who is both ugly and mentally ill. Only my parents does but I think everything will go downhill once they're gone, and soon that may happen considering how my parents is showing signs of cognitive decline and other illnesses. I could see myself in the future living on the streets and being taken advantaged of by thugs if I don't get the courage to ctb.
I feel like I am trapped in a never ending hellhole with no escape. Because I keep making stupid mistakes. I could never learn from past mistakes because I've been gaslighted so much by my bullies that my mind is now gaslighting me too. I keep having second thoughts whenever I'm deciding at something. I always automatically choose the wrong answer due to having low confidence in myself, my mind thinks that I have no rights to trust in myself anymoreq because I didn't prove my bullies that I'm worthy by fighting back, my mind is so defeated that it instead wants to trust in those bullies who gaslighted me in the past instead.
I'm also confused at what to do in the moment. I can't decide if I should fight back on one of my worst bully who caused me so much suffering or just ctb.
The revenge success stories (bullied beating up their bullies bloody and making them apologize genuinely) I read on the internet is tempting me. Also hearing about being able to get away with it using my autistic/mentally ill card pass is tempting. Also the idea that my mind would be centered again if I finally made him pay for the traumatic shit he did ( I did it before and I successfully got my revenge at one my bullies at 17 yo and got away with it and only got minor punishment (getting sent to a private rehab center) and feeling so amazing for having finally being able to release all of the mental pain.) Also the idea that my classmates would side with me and help me win the case because they hate that bully as well, and get massive respect from them and other people for defeating a giant monster (6ft 200 pounds). Also the idea that it would get broadcasted in the news (his family has connections with the media) and then get massive respect from everyone for standing up to a big bully as a special ed. Also the idea that he has done 10 years of violating me, horrible shit I can't even explain and knowing that he will be able to fully get away with it (if I'm not capable of getting away with revenge anymore) in the next few years and see him enjoy his life while I suffer permanently if I don't get my revenge and me feeling extreme regret for not doing what I have to do when I have the opportunity.
But there are times were my ego is low and I would think that ctb is the only option because I feel like I wouldn't go anywhere doing revenge because I think that the worst outcomes is more likely to happen: going to prison and getting even worse bullies without getting bailed out by parents, and parents passing away after I get out, or getting out of prison early as possible but then meeting another bully again but even worse than before and get bullied for a long time having to get revenge again but no help from parents this time. Also thinking that those bullies are actually doing it for my own good and they're just trying to help me in a manly way is making me feel like there was nothing wrong to what they did to me.
There's a strong urge deep inside me to get my revenge because I watched so much redpill videos and read so much stuff on incel forums about vengeful stuff that wanting to get revenge is now ingrained in my head and I can't fully get rid of that fighting spirit because I tried their advices before (above I said about getting revenge on a bully at 17 yo) and it worked, I felt the best feeling, catharsis, and I got respect from people (although temporarily). I have done it before and I feel like I must do it again because I have chosen the path of a fighter, and it feels wrong to not be consistent and also the fact that I'm am an embarrassment in my family and I feel like this is the only way I can prove my worth to them, my parents would always tell me to fight back and I feel like I'm letting them down if I don't do it.
I'm really struggling from those traumatic memories and this is what has been happening to me:
I could hardly speak/talk coherently anymore. I would miss to say some words whenever I'm speaking or always say some stupid shit that I would regret later on, but I can't stop talking because the other person would talk over me if I did. I would realize how stupid I was after the conversation has ended and then make cringy facial expressions and say cuss words repeatedly (directed to myself) in my bedroom for minutes as if I have toureettes syndrome. The only way I can communicate properly is via texting/messaging/chat, but even that I fail too. I would miss to say some words as well. In person or in messaging, I would have a hard time trying to think of something to say for minutes.
I am also forgetful. Long term and short term memory problems is what I'm dealing with rn. I feel like an old man. I have a hard time remembering what I did a few seconds ago. Day to day has become a struggle because of this.
I can't be mindful of the present anymore. Those memories are too much that everything triggers those memories and I can't stop thinking about it.
I really have a strong feeling that revenge is the answer for my problems. I feel like I would have a better life. I don't fear losing any privileges like being able to travel and get a job because I feel like there's no point in having those things if I'm not able to enjoy it, secure it, cherish it, or whatever if my mind is too messed up and lacking integrity.
