Help Advice

[elfgyoza]

Hey guys, I'm looking for some advice, I really don't know what I'm doing in life anymore...

I had a great day on Sunday, free of worry and stress because I knew it was almost over, I was planning to die this week. But then I ended up getting sectioned. My community mh nurse knew I had the means to kill myself, which is usually fine in the UK because they know it can give us some kind of comfort, it doesn't automatically mean you get sent to hospital. I think what made her worry was my lack of planning, she asked me a lot of questions and I didn't know why at the time, but it's obvious now, stuff like 'have you got Christmas presents for people?'. I never admitted I had concrete plans to take my life other than saying I'd already written a note, but I think they knew what I was capable of, how determined I can be, and how far I've gone in the past to do it. So my normal 10am appointment with my nurse ended with a 50 minute ambulance ride to a psych ward by 5pm...

I'm in an acute ward, there's quite a lot of freedom. Well, other than me being legally held here and not allowed to leave. I'm autistic so losing all of my routines has been distressing and the environment here can be too loud sometimes. But my problem is, I still want to die and I have no intentions to 'get better'. I still take my meds and do whatever I'm supposed to, I'm just a bit mad at myself for getting into this situation, I could've been dead already. I'm trapped in my room until a negative covid test comes back and I find it difficult to talk about myself and verbalise my thoughts (autism) so I'm just kind of trapped here, suffering, because I can't reach out for help.

I just don't know..I really want to die, I know that's not gonna happen while I'm sectioned, but I don't know how to get through this. I don't have all the distractions I have at home, no gaming, no junk food, no self harming. I scratched my arm so hard last night that it started bleeding, I've never done that before.

How am I supposed to get out of here whilst also avoiding the 24/7 surveillance I'll get from my parents?
I'm also worried they've found my SN and self harm supplies (they went to my house to get clothes and stuff)

 

[timf]

You mention that Sunday was a great day free of worry and stress. Do you think it might be worth exploring how you can repeat that feeling since you didn't have to die to obtain it. In a way it might represent a path to a life with a lot more "great days".

It may be that you have found a path of transcendence that allows you to glimpse what your life could be with a little adjustment.

 

[elfgyoza]

You mention that Sunday was a great day free of worry and stress. Do you think it might be worth exploring how you can repeat that feeling since you didn't have to die to obtain it. In a way it might represent a path to a life with a lot more "great days".

It may be that you have found a path of transcendence that allows you to glimpse what your life could be with a little adjustment.

I think I understand the logic, but it was stress free because I was so sure I was going to die the next day, I was thinking 'yes, it's finally over, no more suffering'. I'm not really sure how I could replicate that again without having the intention to die :/

 

[timf]

It sounds like your stress free state was achieved through a process of detachment. If you can achieve the ability to attach and detach at will, you may find more freedom from those things that tend to bring you down.

The Bill Murray movie Meatballs has a scene at the end where the members of his summer camp are despondent over the odds of winning a competition with the other summer cap. He gives a speech about how it doesn't matter if they win or loose and ends up leading a sort of conga line chanting, "It just doesn't matter".

Another picture of detachment might be seen in a documentary I saw once about a father who was pushing his gifted son. The son graduated college by the age of 18. However, he was unhappy and it seemed obvious that the father was so driven that he ignored his son's happiness. The story ended with the son working for a carpet installation company estimating installation costs. He seemed happy just to be free of being pushed.

If you can experiment with running your life on manual control you may be able to identify those things from which you should detach and those things with which you would like to connect. If you look at your life like a construction project, it may help to build something you actually enjoy.

 

[elfgyoza]

It sounds like your stress free state was achieved through a process of detachment. If you can achieve the ability to attach and detach at will, you may find more freedom from those things that tend to bring you down.

The Bill Murray movie Meatballs has a scene at the end where the members of his summer camp are despondent over the odds of winning a competition with the other summer cap. He gives a speech about how it doesn't matter if they win or loose and ends up leading a sort of conga line chanting, "It just doesn't matter".

Another picture of detachment might be seen in a documentary I saw once about a father who was pushing his gifted son. The son graduated college by the age of 18. However, he was unhappy and it seemed obvious that the father was so driven that he ignored his son's happiness. The story ended with the son working for a carpet installation company estimating installation costs. He seemed happy just to be free of being pushed.

If you can experiment with running your life on manual control you may be able to identify those things from which you should detach and those things with which you would like to connect. If you look at your life like a construction project, it may help to build something you actually enjoy.

Thank you. Seems like you're kind of describing nhilism, an optimistic view of it. Living care free because life has no meaning. I'm generally a pessimistic person, but I guess that's something that could be worked on

 

[Sensei]

I think I understand the logic, but it was stress free because I was so sure I was going to die the next day, I was thinking 'yes, it's finally over, no more suffering'. I'm not really sure how I could replicate that again without having the intention to die :/

What about thinking like this every day: "Tomorrow I can kill myself if I want to. Maybe I will."

 

[elfgyoza]

What about thinking like this every day: "Tomorrow I can kill myself if I want to. Maybe I will."

That's actually a really good idea, I'll try telling myself that when I get out of hospital (obvs can't convince myself I can die in a psych ward lol)
Thank you :)