advice with my situatioN?

[themisbelow]

hi, just made my account here like yesterday. i always figured online forums like this existed, but I never really knew where to find them haha. I'm pretty evidently bipolar 1, but I have always avoided seeking any form of help with it due to my future career path having the ability to discriminate against those who are mentally unwell in any respect. Sometimes my mental health is really good, and I'm able to keep myself stable and feel relatively happy with my life. I'm a uni senior, and while things aren't always the best, I have a friend group of people who love and care for me.

the problem is recent. About a month ago, my ex of two years broke up with me straight up out of the blue. We had issues, but it was pretty exclusively me having issues with the relationship. I felt like she was very uncaring toward my struggle with Bipolar Disorder and it made me deeply upset, and I almost broke up with them for that. They begged for me back, and so I decided to give them one more chance. They broke up with me the next month. Ever since then, I've been constantly like... shuffling through so many emotions. Betrayal, grief, anxiety, anger, fatigue, and despair. It all keeps cycling so much and its borderline overwhelming. I cut my ex off despite their intentions of staying friends, they started dating someone five days after we broke up and I realized that there was probably things going on that i was far unaware of.

now? I just spend most of my time lying in bed. My room is a mess. I feel disgusting, and my friends worry about me but I have to turn off my emotions otherwise they'll just flood out in very unproductive ways. I got super close to throwing myself off a bridge a few days ago due to the immense overwhelming feelings, but I managed to just talk myself down from it. I somewhat feel sad about that. I just feel so, so, so lonely. I'm not really the most social or easily talking person, and even hanging out with my best friend a tonne lately I just feel so alone. It feels like I'm just kinda rotting inside my own body. I don't really know what to do with myself. Any and all advice would be appreciated, as well as any questions. I'm not really sure what to expect from a forum like this but I hope for the best as someone who has struggled with stuff like this since the age of 6.

 

[pharma]

i had a similar experience... albeit with a friend rather than a partner. we knew each other for 6 years until my mental health made me explode and they stopped talking to me... not the same gravity as your situation, but i get that feeling of anger and betrayal. the only thing that worked for me was to straight up block them on all social media and stop looking at their stuff. im not going to tell you to just move one, because that doesn't work.... but i think creating distance is the best way to start moving forward. for me, that meant to quit listening to songs that reminded me of them. another part of it was just realizing that someone like me wasn't cut out for close relationships, acknowledging that has helped me try to work on myself and how i perceive relationships. theres not magic bullet. so far its been a lot of crying and feelings of worthlessness, but allowing myself to grieve and acknowledging that imallowed to feel like shit is a bit liberating.

 

[themisbelow]

i had a similar experience... albeit with a friend rather than a partner. we knew each other for 6 years until my mental health made me explode and they stopped talking to me... not the same gravity as your situation, but i get that feeling of anger and betrayal. the only thing that worked for me was to straight up block them on all social media and stop looking at their stuff. im not going to tell you to just move one, because that doesn't work.... but i think creating distance is the best way to start moving forward. for me, that meant to quit listening to songs that reminded me of them. another part of it was just realizing that someone like me wasn't cut out for close relationships, acknowledging that has helped me try to work on myself and how i perceive relationships. theres not magic bullet. so far its been a lot of crying and feelings of worthlessness, but allowing myself to grieve and acknowledging that imallowed to feel like shit is a bit liberating.

i appreciate the reply pharma, it means a lot to me. i do truly want to get better, it's just hard in regards to my bipolar disorder. my emotions are like a tumble dryer and some days i'll be doing great and others i'm just ready to implode. my best friend knows i've been stalking my ex on social media and has begged me to stop, that probably is a good place to start but it's just hard. my mind feels like its racing and sometimes i just can't shaking. but these words did ground me a bit, i appreciate it a lot. i hope all is well with you :)

 

[pharma]

i appreciate the reply pharma, it means a lot to me. i do truly want to get better, it's just hard in regards to my bipolar disorder. my emotions are like a tumble dryer and some days i'll be doing great and others i'm just ready to implode. my best friend knows i've been stalking my ex on social media and has begged me to stop, that probably is a good place to start but it's just hard. my mind feels like its racing and sometimes i just can't shaking. but these words did ground me a bit, i appreciate it a lot. i hope all is well with you :)

i hope you get better as well :) you shouldn't push yourself too hard. i used to stalk my friend a bit. it's about catching those behaviours and trying to slowly get rid of them and channelling that energy elsewhere (sometimes it can be a bad habbit, or a good one, but these days i do anything to get them off my mind). good luck to you too:)

 

[Zegers]

Loneliness is like poison in the long run and the hard part is that it's not enough just to mix with random peoople but i would recommend you try to meet new people and forget your ex.

 

[themisbelow]

Loneliness is like poison in the long run and the hard part is that it's not enough just to mix with random peoople but i would recommend you try to meet new people and forget your ex.

thank you Zegers, you're 100% right. a lot of my struggles come from feeling pretty painfully lonely in this world. I appreciate your advice, your words mean a lot :) wish you the best with your future wherever it takes you.

 

[hungry_ghost]

It can be very difficult for others to understand or empathize with people who have certain mental illnesses.

Some people simply do not have the capacity, and so perhaps your ex thought it was best to just break up despite initially not wanting to lose you.

And of course it can be incredibly frustrating when someone just doesn't get it, and you're kind of suffering in silence.

The same kind of thing happened to me many years ago.

My ex-lover broke up with me because I was depressed, and I spiraled into a nervous breakdown.

Meanwhile, a few weeks after the breakup, she was already going on dates with her future spouse.

I went crazy going over every minute detail of our time together in my head, wondering if she ever gave a fuck at all.

After a year I realized none of it mattered, and that she wasn't even worth the grief I had gone through.

I don't know if you've been thinking of CTB for years, or if it's just over this recent breakup, but....

No person is worth taking your life over, that's for damn sure.

 

[themisbelow]

It can be very difficult for others to understand or empathize with people who have certain mental illnesses.

Some people simply do not have the capacity, and so perhaps your ex thought it was best to just break up despite initially not wanting to lose you.

And of course it can be incredibly frustrating when someone just doesn't get it, and you're kind of suffering in silence.

The same kind of thing happened to me many years ago.

My ex-lover broke up with me because I was depressed, and I spiraled into a nervous breakdown.

Meanwhile, a few weeks after the breakup, she was already going on dates with her future spouse.

I went crazy going over every minute detail of our time together in my head, wondering if she ever gave a fuck at all.

After a year I realized none of it mattered, and that she wasn't even worth the grief I had gone through.

I don't know if you've been thinking of CTB for years, or if it's just over this recent breakup, but....

No person is worth taking your life over, that's for damn sure.

I think the most frustrating part was that my ex has BPD, so I thought they would be able to understand my struggles, at least to a degree. We fought later on and they told me they stayed because they still were unsure in January, but made up their mind last month. It just feels all too sudden, regardless. I just feel broken. I do appreciate all the kind words though, thank you a lot :)

 

[MoonlitNight]

you've just lost someone you shared life with, and hope to continue sharing life with. It's valid and very normal that you'll feel lonely even weeks maybe months after it.

But please do reach out to your friends. When you beat yourself over it wondering again and again just where you went wrong, it'll hurt you in the long run. Instead you could have people to hang around all day doing activities.

Yes it will feel lonely even around them for a while. But over time you'll find that maybe some activities do take your mind off it, over time you may find that you wanna stay for the possibility of a better partner though its not recommended to go only based on that and over time you may find yourself not dwelling on it and dreading feeling like this everyday. The feelings of pain and hurt might stay if you think about it even between progress. But you're staying strong and you're still here. Proud of you for staying strong.

Please reach out to your friends, they might just be the crutches you need at this low in life.
Best of luck, may the hurting heart heal.

 

[themisbelow]

you've just lost someone you shared life with, and hope to continue sharing life with. It's valid and very normal that you'll feel lonely even weeks maybe months after it.

But please do reach out to your friends. When you beat yourself over it wondering again and again just where you went wrong, it'll hurt you in the long run. Instead you could have people to hang around all day doing activities.

Yes it will feel lonely even around them for a while. But over time you'll find that maybe some activities do take your mind off it, over time you may find that you wanna stay for the possibility of a better partner though its not recommended to go only based on that and over time you may find yourself not dwelling on it and dreading feeling like this everyday. The feelings of pain and hurt might stay if you think about it even between progress. But you're staying strong and you're still here. Proud of you for staying strong.

Please reach out to your friends, they might just be the crutches you need at this low in life.
Best of luck, may the hurting heart heal.

I think that's the problem. It's just hard to feel better despite my best friend being incredibly kind and caring about me. I've definitely been trying to lean into them but still.

 

[Viranamari]

Your ex sounds horrible. She should have tried to understand your problems more. It is definitely tough getting over a breakup. I suggest trying to forget about your ex and meeting more people. If not, you should at least tell your group of friends. They will understand your situation and will probably try to help you get your mind off her. One more thing, just because you have bipolar 1 and your ex has BPD doesn't guarantee that they will understand your struggles. But in a nutshell, you should reach out to your friends more.

 

[MoonlitNight]

I think that's the problem. It's just hard to feel better despite my best friend being incredibly kind and caring about me. I've definitely been trying to lean into them but still.

mhm. I know and thats why 'over time' is mentioned here. it is going to take a while, such is how pain works. It's totally upto you, just putting it out there that my advice is to defy the odds, holding on to the small hope of getting better and seeing if any change is made.
I know it's the common saying, i just feel like it can be applied here. Where there's nothing you can do except wait it out trying to forget something.

 

[sufferingextremely]

hi, just made my account here like yesterday. i always figured online forums like this existed, but I never really knew where to find them haha. I'm pretty evidently bipolar 1, but I have always avoided seeking any form of help with it due to my future career path having the ability to discriminate against those who are mentally unwell in any respect. Sometimes my mental health is really good, and I'm able to keep myself stable and feel relatively happy with my life. I'm a uni senior, and while things aren't always the best, I have a friend group of people who love and care for me.

the problem is recent. About a month ago, my ex of two years broke up with me straight up out of the blue. We had issues, but it was pretty exclusively me having issues with the relationship. I felt like she was very uncaring toward my struggle with Bipolar Disorder and it made me deeply upset, and I almost broke up with them for that. They begged for me back, and so I decided to give them one more chance. They broke up with me the next month. Ever since then, I've been constantly like... shuffling through so many emotions. Betrayal, grief, anxiety, anger, fatigue, and despair. It all keeps cycling so much and its borderline overwhelming. I cut my ex off despite their intentions of staying friends, they started dating someone five days after we broke up and I realized that there was probably things going on that i was far unaware of.

now? I just spend most of my time lying in bed. My room is a mess. I feel disgusting, and my friends worry about me but I have to turn off my emotions otherwise they'll just flood out in very unproductive ways. I got super close to throwing myself off a bridge a few days ago due to the immense overwhelming feelings, but I managed to just talk myself down from it. I somewhat feel sad about that. I just feel so, so, so lonely. I'm not really the most social or easily talking person, and even hanging out with my best friend a tonne lately I just feel so alone. It feels like I'm just kinda rotting inside my own body. I don't really know what to do with myself. Any and all advice would be appreciated, as well as any questions. I'm not really sure what to expect from a forum like this but I hope for the best as someone who has struggled with stuff like this since the age of 6.

I'm going to be very honest with you. Your life belongs to you and not me or anyone else. With that said, depression over a breakup or a friendship betrayal is IMO a terrible reason to CTB. The reason is that these things come to pass. It hurts like hell in the short term, but it will go away. After it goes away there is a potential for happiness in life.

One thing that may affect you is if you have a history of severe childhood trauma. This would be physical abuse (especially the severe versions of this), sexual abuse, rape, witnessing violence or death of a family member, and other things along these lines.

When this happens to you, your brain loses its ability to regulate your emotions. It has an effect of essentially "breaking" your brain. As a result, you lose the normal coping mechanisms that allow people to deal with and work through emotionally painful or emotionally devastating events. In this condition, you may naturally think of dying, because that's the only real coping mechanism that you have left. You don't know how else to process the pain and to make it go away, but the pain will stop when you die. That's the place you can find yourself in.

When you have been traumatized like this, as a child or as an adult, it is a massive blow to your existence. It is absolutely devastating. Even still, you are far from without hope to get better. You can get treatment, where you learn new ways of living and can have some of your lost capacities restored. It will never exactly get easy, but you will have a lot of good and life can be very much worth living.

For your bipolar disorder, if you haven't been evaluated, that's step number 1. It sounds like you may possibly be self-diagnosing. You can't treat your problem until you know for sure what it is. Go to a good clinical psychologist. Psychology Today's website has a search feature where you can look for people with certain areas of focus. You may be able to find someone who specializes in bipolar disorder. It may take you up to 3 or 4 sessions before your psychologist comes to a conclusion about your diagnosis. You may have to take tests. But that's step 1, get professional help and find out if you have any condition.

If you do have bipolar disorder, you need to get medication. Depression or despair that is the result of bipolar disorder symptoms is another terrible reason to CTB. The reason is that this is very treatable, and in this case, your sadness can be thought of as an illusion. You feel hopeless, but in reality you are a far, far cry from being without hope. In reality, you have tremendous power to improve your life. You may feel worthless, but in reality there is no such thing as a human being without worth. In reality, every human being has the capacity to do good for the world and to do good for others, and this capacity is one of many objective sources of the value that resides in each and every person.

The symptoms of your condition are full of illusions like these, and medication can make those illusions go away. It will be a hard process finding the right medication for you, but it can be done. Eventually, you will reach a place where you can literally take a pill once or twice a day and feel better. It is that easy.

For discrimination, your employers are not allowed to discriminate if you live in the U.S. They are also not allowed to ask you questions about your health, except under very limited circumstances. To avoid discrimination, the first step is don't tell people about your diagnosis, particularly the people you work with. They can't discriminate against you based on something that they don't even know about.

If your employer does find out that you have bipolar disorder, one possibility is that they discriminate against you. Another more likely possibility is that they make sure that every right you have in the workplace is respected and enforced. Discriminating against you based on this or failing to grant you reasonable accommodations that you are entitled to are both against the law, and your employer knows it. If they violate your rights, you can file a complaint. The government will sue them on your behalf; they will pay you money; they may have to pay a fine, and your employer is likely to be in the news media if they are a company of a substantial size. Being sued by the government, paying fines, and being in the news for discriminating against disabled people are things that no business wants.

The way life works is that when our conditions in life improve, we feel happy; when our conditions in life get worse, we feel miserable. If you have a mental illness, it often disrupts your ability to feel happy and also impairs your ability to take steps to make progress in your life. That's why step #1 is treatment. That gets you to square one.

 

[themisbelow]

I'm going to be very honest with you. Your life belongs to you and not me or anyone else. With that said, depression over a breakup or a friendship betrayal is IMO a terrible reason to CTB. The reason is that these things come to pass. It hurts like hell in the short term, but it will go away. After it goes away there is a potential for happiness in life.

One thing that may affect you is if you have a history of severe childhood trauma. This would be physical abuse (especially the severe versions of this), sexual abuse, rape, witnessing violence or death of a family member, and other things along these lines.

When this happens to you, your brain loses its ability to regulate your emotions. It has an effect of essentially "breaking" your brain. As a result, you lose the normal coping mechanisms that allow people to deal with and work through emotionally painful or emotionally devastating events. In this condition, you may naturally think of dying, because that's the only real coping mechanism that you have left. You don't know how else to process the pain and to make it go away, but the pain will stop when you die. That's the place you can find yourself in.

When you have been traumatized like this, as a child or as an adult, it is a massive blow to your existence. It is absolutely devastating. Even still, you are far from without hope to get better. You can get treatment, where you learn new ways of living and can have some of your lost capacities restored. It will never exactly get easy, but you will have a lot of good and life can be very much worth living.

For your bipolar disorder, if you haven't been evaluated, that's step number 1. It sounds like you may possibly be self-diagnosing. You can't treat your problem until you know for side what it is. Go to a good clinical psychologist. Psychology Today's website has a search feature where you can look for people with certain areas of focus. You may be able to find someone who specializes in bipolar disorder. It may take you up to 3 or 4 sessions before your psychologist comes to a conclusion about your diagnosis. You may have to take tests. But that's step 1, get professional help and find out if you have any condition.

If you do have bipolar disorder, you need to get medication. Depression or despair that is the result of bipolar disorder symptoms is another terrible reason to CTB. The reason is that this is very treatable, and in this case, your sadness can be thought of as an illusion. You feel hopeless, but in reality you are a far, far cry from being without hope. In reality, you have tremendous power to improve your life. You may feel worthless, but in reality there is no such thing as a human being without worth. In reality, every human being has the capacity to do good for the world and to do good for others, and this capacity is one of many objective sources of the value that resides in each and every person.

The symptoms of your condition are full of illusions like these, and medication can make those illusions go away. It will be a hard process finding the right medication for you, but it can be done. Eventually, you will reach a place where you can literally take a pill once or twice a day and feel better. It is that easy.

For discrimination, your employers are not allowed to discriminate if you live in the U.S. They are also not allowed to ask you questions about your health, except under very limited circumstances. To avoid discrimination, the first step is don't tell people about your diagnosis, particularly the people you work with. They can't discriminate against you based on something that they don't even know about.

If your employer does find out that you have bipolar disorder, one possibility is that they discriminate against you. Another more likely possibility is that they make sure that every right you have in the workplace is respected and enforced. Discriminating against you based on this or failing to grant you reasonable accommodations that you are entitled to are both against the law, and your employer knows it. If they violate your rights, you can file a complaint. The government will sue them on your behalf; they will pay you money; they may have to pay a fine, and your employer is likely to be in the news media if they are a company of a substantial size. Being sued by the government, paying fines, and being in the news for discriminating against disabled people are things that no business wants.

The way life works is that when our conditions in life improve, we feel happy; when our conditions in life get worse, we feel miserable. If you have a mental illness, it often disrupts your ability to feel happy and also impairs your ability to take steps to make progress in your life. That's why step #1 is treatment. That gets you to square one.

i don't want to divulge too much, but the type of career i'm aiming for requires a security clearance, which is 100% something they can discriminate against for mental health reasons. i think the idea of my future career being taken away from me is more upsetting to me than anything else. i'm also assuming you read some of my other posts based on things mentioned in this paragraph. i simply was asking for advice coping with my breakup, and no, i'm not simply thinking of CTB because of my breakup. I was considering it because I feel terribly lonely in general, I'm not a person who gets out or does much in general. It's a pretty painful existence. I appreciate the reply regardless.

 

[sufferingextremely]

i don't want to divulge too much, but the type of career i'm aiming for requires a security clearance, which is 100% something they can discriminate against for mental health reasons. i think the idea of my future career being taken away from me is more upsetting to me than anything else. i'm also assuming you read some of my other posts based on things mentioned in this paragraph. i simply was asking for advice coping with my breakup, and no, i'm not simply thinking of CTB because of my breakup. I was considering it because I feel terribly lonely in general, I'm not a person who gets out or does much in general. It's a pretty painful existence. I appreciate the reply regardless.

I actually have not read your other posts, not that I recall, but I will. I'm sorry for misunderstanding you. I'm also sorry if I came across in a bad way.

For your breakup, I don't have the perfect answer, but I hope that at least some of what I've already typed helps you. I guess what I will add is that time is your friend. You will feel all of the emotions that you described and it will be painful. One strategy is to just endure it. Understand that the time when the heartbreak and emotional devastation are gone will come. You can count on that time arriving as solidly as you can count on the sun rising.

Sometimes life just hurts and it is part of our process to just suffer. It depends on the resources you have at a given time. In the ideal situation, you will be able to think constructively about it at some point. You can look at this hurtful event in your life and see what it has to teach you. You use it as an opportunity for growth and insight. However, that's not always possible, and it can be a battle of surviving one day at a time. I've been there a lot. In the past 3.5 years for so many days I've been hanging on to life with a thread. That's all I can do and I want to die constantly. When that's all you can do, that's all you can do. In that circumstance, it is important to have mercy on yourself. Having mercy on yourself is generally important for people who have suffered the way that you have (and the way that I have).

You are free to message me if you need someone to talk to. I get lost in my own suffering and go MIA from this site and sometimes from life in general, but I will get back to you. You don't have to be lonely and I know a good amount of stuff about life. Maybe I can help you.

 

[themisbelow]

today is going pretty bad. i don't even really know if i want to go to classes. i just feel so sick and tired of everything. it's really hard to break out of a mindset like this, isn't it?

 

[themisbelow]

days keep just dragging on and on. My mood swings are getting worse, and my days just feel like blurs. I'm so fucking miserable.

 

[Octavia]

today is going pretty bad. i don't even really know if i want to go to classes. i just feel so sick and tired of everything. it's really hard to break out of a mindset like this, isn't it?

If you feel like you are too tired to go on, it is okay to take a semester off to take care of yourself. I never missed classes in the past and would have rather died than go on an academic hiatus, but when it became apparent that I cannot keep going on I had to accept the fact that a semester off might be necessary. I honestly still hate being out of school and I am incredibly annoyed by the idea of being behind my peers , but sometimes it can be good to have some time to focus on a problem without having to deal with other things.

You seem to have good friends, perhaps that spending some time with them might help? Self-care can go a long way, especially when you have a nice period of time to focus on it. Totally not coming from someone who is using her semester off to plan a cremation and a will

 

[themisbelow]

If you feel like you are too tired to go on, it is okay to take a semester off to take care of yourself. I never missed classes in the past and would have rather died than go on an academic hiatus, but when it became apparent that I cannot keep going on I had to accept the fact that a semester off might be necessary. I honestly still hate being out of school and I am incredibly annoyed by the idea of being behind my peers , but sometimes it can be good to have some time to focus on a problem without having to deal with other things.

You seem to have good friends, perhaps that spending some time with them might help? Self-care can go a long way, especially when you have a nice period of time to focus on it. Totally not coming from someone who is using her semester off to plan a cremation and a will

School is really the major thing of purpose in my life right now. Without it, I think I'd actually have no purpose anymore. I honestly am iffy about ctb so I want to cling to those things that keep me from it, but god if it's hard.

I also started obsessing over a new person today. God, it's such a worthless feeling. I wish I could just turn off my brain :((

 

[Octavia]

School is really the major thing of purpose in my life right now. Without it, I think I'd actually have no purpose anymore. I honestly am iffy about ctb so I want to cling to those things that keep me from it, but god if it's hard.

I also started obsessing over a new person today. God, it's such a worthless feeling. I wish I could just turn off my brain :((

I feel that way too, school was the only thing keeping me alive during my first year in uni. But sometimes it may be best to take a break if you are able to do that, as much as you may hate the idea. Do you happen to have a supportive family?

 

[themisbelow]

I feel that way too, school was the only thing keeping me alive during my first year in uni. But sometimes it may be best to take a break if you are able to do that, as much as you may hate the idea. Do you happen to have a supportive family?

I have little contact with my family, and unfortunately almost all my friends are online :((

 

[Octavia]

I have little contact with my family, and unfortunately almost all my friends are online :((

Ah, welp. That might make taking a break much harder… it is disappointing to see the people who were supposed to give someone the most support offer them none.

 

[themisbelow]

somehow, it feels like everythings getting better and worse. my brain sometimes wont stop spinning. i cant fucking stand it.

 

[themisbelow]

it's stupid because sometimes my emotions just get so much that i just can't stop puking. it all gets overwhelming and im a nervous vomiter so ill just puke for about an hour, unable to stop. its one of those days and it fucking sucks. i hate my emotions so much it makes it so painful to even live.

i guess in good news my best friend helped me clean up my bedroom, but what does it even fucking matter if i feel this way haha. it's the worst.

 

[themisbelow]

currently just lying in someone elses bed and feeling terribly empty. this fucking sucks. i miss my friends. i was having a long, nice convo with one yesterday. i wish i would've just stayed home and spent time with her instead of pursuing this, it's not like the person who i was with was like... awful or anything, or did anything bad. i just want to be home, but we drove an hour away to be at her place. i just really badly want to be home.

 

[nwuibe]

hi ! is it okay if i send you a message?

 

[themisfell]

i've returned after attempting to recover. a lots changed, i'm in a relationship with my best friend now, i am pursuing grad school, and my plans (as evident from being back on this site) are much different. i'll avoid details since this is the recovery side of the forum, but i don't really seek recovery anymore. i don't mind kind words though, it's not like im necessarily opposed to recovery, i think i was just manic at the time and far too optimistic about the idea of recovery. :(