Hi, I'm sorry but this is my last resort. I've been looking at this site for quite some time and I think this might be the only way to let out the shit that I have inside. So, I want to CBT. Kind of a little on the nose given the site but it is what it is. And at this point, the only thing keeping me here is my Mom that really loves me and I can't imagine what she would do if i died. so here i am. sometimes i wished i wasn't born into this world, cause maybe it would cause me and my parents less pain, but honeslty im just so tired of thinking, and being stuck inside of my head... im just so tired. and im lowkey scared, yk? like what if it doesn't work? what if i don't die but end up hurting a lot of people, including myslef, for no good reason? i just wish i could turn it all off. but i can't. im on meds, and they worked for a while, i started getting better, but then after a small while i began declining again and coming back to where ive started. and honestly its not great. im just so tired and sick of all this, im honeslty just looking for the easiest way out. but it would kill be more than thisto hurt my parents and family like that. is anyone in this situation? i keep telling myself that maybe im just chicken and dont want to die, but it is impossible given the number of times ive grabbed my pills and shoved some in my mouth just to spit them out and keep them close in a drawer. i also keep a collection of apple seeds which im hoping to crush and one day eat and ctb. im just so tired. does anyone have any advice? please?
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vak
In recovery 🤞
- Feb 13, 2024
- 243
Hi there, I feel you, what pushes you over the edge? It's hopeful that medication worked for you, would you prefer if it would continue? Have you discussed it with your doctor? Medication is often trial and error and could be adjusted, suicide ideation could even be a side effect of some. 
Final_Choice
Mage
- Aug 3, 2023
- 542
This is pretty much the main reason I haven't done it yet either. I've tried everything to not desire to CTB for them but at the end nothing worked for me, as such, I have decided to go through with it. If deep down you want to try to recover and don't truly want to CTB then you could consider continuing to try to do so, most options don't end up working but maybe some other meds or procedure does end up helping you.
What I'm planning on doing is waiting until I can move out and try to make it seem like an accident. I'll have to wait a year until I can actually do that due to circumstances but I feel like this is the best I can do to minimize damage and also find peace. In the meantime, I'm still doing what is accessible to me to try to recover to make 1000% sure that this decision is not based on an impulse but rather a carefully thought out decision.
What I'm planning on doing is waiting until I can move out and try to make it seem like an accident. I'll have to wait a year until I can actually do that due to circumstances but I feel like this is the best I can do to minimize damage and also find peace. In the meantime, I'm still doing what is accessible to me to try to recover to make 1000% sure that this decision is not based on an impulse but rather a carefully thought out decision.
I haven't told her yet, but suicide has been on my mind way before the meds. thank you for trying to help <3Hi there, I feel you, what pushes you over the edge? It's hopeful that medication worked for you, would you prefer if it would continue? Have you discussed it with your doctor? Medication is often trial and error and could be adjusted, suicide ideation could even be a side effect of some.
thank you for trying to help, ill try my harderst to want to live before i cbt, but if i do ill probably make it look like an accident as well. its always easier on family than to know that a child of theirs doesn't want to live in this world.
the_fail_man
Failure, Outcast, Diseased - The True Leper
- Mar 9, 2024
- 47
Yes. My mother. I am bedridden. Disabled. With M.E. she is my world. If she died. Shit. I'll ctb so damn fast. She bends over backwards for me. She didn't deserve this. Her only son. I'm her only son. I'm in bed so fatigued I can't feed myself or shit. I am so fucked up. Diseased. Lonely. I can barely type this. I often ask and wonder. And wish I wasn't born. She didn't deserve this. I'm the one with the disease but she did not deserve this. I don't even care about me. Her soul is in as much torture as mine.
I can't offer you advice. But I can offer you love and solace. And I want to let you know, kind stranger. That I love you.
