You asked for advice so I'm going to offer it, along with my impressions. I don't know you, I only know things you've written, and I know my own life experience. If nothing I say resonates, toss it. I don't mean to offend, I'm just being direct and honest. Take it as bro to bro, even though I'm a female.
What I've seen from your posts is that you don't have a handle on your emotions. They seem to get bigger than your ability to think, and they seem to push you to do immediate things rather than to focus on small cumulative steps to long term outcomes.
I don't know why your ex became your ex. You've said that the RO is for blowing up her phone. Did she have reason before the breakup and after to fear rash actions? Would you feel safe allowing your daughter around someone who responds to difficulty with rash actions? Can you get enough distance from yourself to look at yourself and how others respond protectively? And can you manage doing that in such a way that it motivates actions to create positive changes in yourself rather than self-destruction?
My advice is to seek out a domestic violence program and ask for a referral for a counseling program for offenders. I'm not saying you're an offender, but your reactions lead to actions of not having self-control, actions of attempting to control others when you don't like what they do, and acts of violence, it just happens that the acts of violence that you share on this forum are directed and you and not at others.
I'm not throwing blame here. There are reasons why these have become your coping skills, and they're not serving you. The right kind of counselor can help you deal with the root issues as well as learning new skills like patience, self-control, and forward thinking. It will help you in your relationships with yourself and others, it will help you with keeping and getting along with employers, family, and friends, and get you on the track to having a relationship with your daughter. It's not going to generate the immediate results you want, but will serve your goals and your life, and these are long-term things.
If I were sitting next to you and talking bro to bro, I would say it's time to own your shit. You got dealt a shitty hand early on, but you gotta own it now. There are ways to get control of yourself and thrive. Seek them out. There is help out there. Killing yourself over this is not a smart move, and you're a smart and good man.
Hey thanks for your advice, I will go into abit more detail.
So for years I have been suffering from depression, she stood by me came to doctors etc. I was always paranoid that she was speaking to other guys. I don't know why, but I got it into my head she was. I was on her phone searching for a holiday together and a snapchat came through of a guy with no t shirt on, I questioned it and she said it was her friends husband. We had a bit of a fall out and during that time I found out she was talking to another local guy, so I foolishly thought well im convinced she has been doing it so I went and met up with a girl. ( Worst mistake of my life ) a few weeks later we sorted our differences. However, she didn't know about this other girl.
We made a deccision to go into couples therapy together due to the arguing recently.
We didnt even get that far,
The weekend before both us and my daughter went shopping, the girl i met up with passed us and spouted her guts. This is what has caused this whole mess.
I take full responsibility, but i have not had a chance to give my side of the story,
There is no RO, and there is no history of anything violence or abuse between. I was constantly texting and phoning asking about my daugther, asking to see her, apologising for everything. She wasnt responding to anything, next thing the police are at my door for harrasment. I have not been charged with anythin but they do still have my phone.
I have had 7 private therapy sessions which i pay for using my own money, i am touch with the nhs mental health team, and i take my anti depressants day ( even though i feel it makes things worse)
We live in the same town and pass each other which is so hard because she always has my daughter but refuses to talk to me. I know she is angry and upset but that shouldnt stop me bein a father ?
She told my father, i know hes a good dad, i just wanted us to be a family, but because of this i want it to go through lawyers.
I have been doing everything possible to prove myself to her but i can only do so much from a distance. I even deleted every part of social media to prove to her she has nothing to worry about.
That's the full story and which has led me to this
