advice on my ctb date + fears about SI

[yuiyulz]

i know for sure that i want to ctb as soon as possible, and the exact hard cutoff i have in mind is march 4. i originally planned to isolate SN from curing salt via solubility and in preparation ordered all the supplies i would need to do so, expected to arrive tmr. however, after i ordered that i discovered a sn from a trusted source i can access that takes a little while to ship to me, so i ordered it and it arrives around feb 24. i could go ahead with my original plan and ctb tomorrow, but i'm worried about not separating enough SN from just NaCl and i don't know how that will interfere with the SN. alternatively, i could wait until the SN arrives and ctb as soon as i get it (i have some major projects and exams around feb 27-28, so this could get me out before then). however, my only closeish friend has their birthday on the 29th, and i kinda want to stick around until then to wish them a happy birthday, give them a gift i prepared, and then ctb after. i'm still not entirely sure which of the three options i'm going to go for.

also, reading some threads about sn has made me more anxious about attempting using it. i've had a pretty strong SI in the past when it comes to attempts and thats the only reason why ive failed. it mostly just comes down to guilt of dying before my grandparents (who are the only family that truly ever cared about me). staying conscious for 15 minutes before blacking out is a lot of time to chicken out, and the tachycardia would definitely make things way worse for me and probably trigger my SI again.

any advice or words of support are greatly appreciated :) thanks for reading

 

[FuneralCry]

I really wish it's not so unnecessarily difficult to cease existing on our own terms, people certainly shouldn't have to struggle so much to die. But anyway I hope that you eventually find the freedom you search for, best wishes.

 

[UKscotty]

Once we are ready to go we find a way.

The final frontier is truly our SI and anyone who is truly ready to CTB has left this world and cannot share the secret with us.

Good luck whatever you decide.