futurebuscatcher
Cat Connoisseur
- Sep 15, 2024
- 22
Sorry in advance if this is incoherent– I literally don't know how else to say this this but I need advice.
For context, I have literally been wanting to die since I was a young kid, and ever since I haven't truly been happy.
I keep getting these awful boughts of moodswings where things are decent one minute and then the very next moment I fall into this huge pit where I am planning my attempt and losing my mind. I have a lot of stuff squared away and yet even in these moodswings where I want to die more than anything can't actually do it– it feels too draining and there's a part of my that's afraid to do it. There is a stupid part of me that wants help, to get better, and maybe some form of validation.
I've only taken the bare minimum care for my body and barely even eating and I can't even find it in myself to enjoy the things that once made me happy like video games or even shows. Some people in my life have been wanting to buy me gifts and I can't accept them cause I don't see myself living long enough to make any use of them or even give me joy.
I guess the question is am I truly suicidal or is this something else? I'm on meds and everything but I don't know. Is it just a need for attention? But the other question is how does one really will themselves into going through with it?
There's also a weird part of me that wants to make a half attempt that can see if I truly want to die or see if that spurs me or the people around to make me get help (but psych wards fucking suck so idk). I don't know if there's any advice on that either. But also what about these extreme shifts that have me writing notes and debating when to go?
Sorry if this is dumb/pathetic/all over the place or if I'm crossing a line of sort. I just don't know what to do. I'm not asking for anyone to sway me to one side, just for some other perspectives.
For context, I have literally been wanting to die since I was a young kid, and ever since I haven't truly been happy.
I keep getting these awful boughts of moodswings where things are decent one minute and then the very next moment I fall into this huge pit where I am planning my attempt and losing my mind. I have a lot of stuff squared away and yet even in these moodswings where I want to die more than anything can't actually do it– it feels too draining and there's a part of my that's afraid to do it. There is a stupid part of me that wants help, to get better, and maybe some form of validation.
I've only taken the bare minimum care for my body and barely even eating and I can't even find it in myself to enjoy the things that once made me happy like video games or even shows. Some people in my life have been wanting to buy me gifts and I can't accept them cause I don't see myself living long enough to make any use of them or even give me joy.
I guess the question is am I truly suicidal or is this something else? I'm on meds and everything but I don't know. Is it just a need for attention? But the other question is how does one really will themselves into going through with it?
There's also a weird part of me that wants to make a half attempt that can see if I truly want to die or see if that spurs me or the people around to make me get help (but psych wards fucking suck so idk). I don't know if there's any advice on that either. But also what about these extreme shifts that have me writing notes and debating when to go?
Sorry if this is dumb/pathetic/all over the place or if I'm crossing a line of sort. I just don't know what to do. I'm not asking for anyone to sway me to one side, just for some other perspectives.