falling_snow

falling_snow

Mage
Aug 9, 2023
500
While growing up, I really didn't know where the fuck I was going. As a child, I wanted to be like my father. That until I saw that he was just a big dumb piece of shit. Substance abuse, neglect, basically invisible through my whole life, how the fuck did I even aspire to be him?

But we don't get into my mother, that's a whole different ride. Narcissistic, I felt like I was her doll for my entire life. She literally used me like a little puppet, didn't learn how to socialize, didn't get the opportunity to learn about myself, hated my body because of her comments, etc... When I was 10, I tried to ctb. NO METHOD, NO IDEA, I JUST WANTED TO DIE BECAUSE I JUST COULDN'T WITH THIS WHOLE BULLSHIT. I tried hanging myself like in the movies (spoiler: bad idea), it left me with bruises and didn't even know wtf was happening.

Now, as a young adult, I see myself more and more like my mother. It's disgusting. I can't even look at my mirror anymore. Though I see her most of my days, looking at any person in my family just triggers me.

That is also why I want to ctb, if I grow up to be like that, then I'm not reaching 25, fuck it I'm going to ctb next year. It makes me wanna puke.
 
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