alivefornow
thinking about it
- Feb 6, 2023
- 152
I can only speak for myself but other members can weigh in if they are so inclined.
If you are a lurker, a grieving relative or a brit journalist, stick around and learn something!
1. "If you really wanted to die, you would have done it already."
Sometimes, I have next to no control over my thoughts, especially if I am idling and my mind wanders. Isn't that how it works? You can't always choose which thoughts surface in your mind, especially in an emotionally distraught state. They just do, and you have to deal with their presence.
I have had daily thoughts of suicide every day for years. They change in intensity, frequency and method. Lately I have been obsessing about blasting my forehead with a sawed-off shotgun. I picture my blood and brains splattering on the surroundings. I also think about strapping myself with explosives and blowing myself up in an empty place, to be found in bloody gibs by people afterwards. Fucked up, innit? That's what goes on in my head several times every couple of minutes.
Some people who commit suicide just had the idea, others have had the intention for years. Some people who kill themselves didn't really want to, others do want to die, but can't, for various reasons.
Every human experience is unique.
2. "Killing yourself is an act of courage/cowardice."
In my opinion, both opinions are mal-informed. Suicide often is, however, an act of desperation.
There is a pain in my body, making my heart ache, weakening my limbs and taking away my ability to feel joy.
I don't know what exactly is the cause of it, but I know it has been with me for most of my life, and that it is related to my emotions, my regrets and the failure I see in myself.
I believe that when I think about causing my death, that is related to despair, more so than courage or cowardice, as perceived by others. The times when I got the closest to it were when I felt the most desperate, because the pain felt too much to take.
3. "There is always a way out."
You must realize what you're asking here: I, whose pain you have no way of knowing, should endure it and cling to the possibility of recovery, which may or may not be real.
You might not know what it feels like to be not just sad, but emotionally broken and physically weakened by depression, every second of every day. It really feels like there is no end to it.
If I keep going and stay depressed and broken for the rest of my life, you, who guilt-tripped me into staying alive, cannot be held accountable.
I am the one who has to endure this hell, so YOU can feel better about yourself. I have to live in pain to protect YOUR feelings.
4. "You need [insert solution]."
I think it is insensitive to say this without considering I might have already tried to get help or even fix this myself, but couldn't. It implies I am choosing to feel this way, or that I just didn't try hard enough.
At this point, I am not looking to get better anymore, because I don't believe it's possible. So if you really want to lend a hand, either help me end my life or take a hike!
If you are a lurker, a grieving relative or a brit journalist, stick around and learn something!
1. "If you really wanted to die, you would have done it already."
Sometimes, I have next to no control over my thoughts, especially if I am idling and my mind wanders. Isn't that how it works? You can't always choose which thoughts surface in your mind, especially in an emotionally distraught state. They just do, and you have to deal with their presence.
I have had daily thoughts of suicide every day for years. They change in intensity, frequency and method. Lately I have been obsessing about blasting my forehead with a sawed-off shotgun. I picture my blood and brains splattering on the surroundings. I also think about strapping myself with explosives and blowing myself up in an empty place, to be found in bloody gibs by people afterwards. Fucked up, innit? That's what goes on in my head several times every couple of minutes.
Some people who commit suicide just had the idea, others have had the intention for years. Some people who kill themselves didn't really want to, others do want to die, but can't, for various reasons.
Every human experience is unique.
2. "Killing yourself is an act of courage/cowardice."
In my opinion, both opinions are mal-informed. Suicide often is, however, an act of desperation.
There is a pain in my body, making my heart ache, weakening my limbs and taking away my ability to feel joy.
I don't know what exactly is the cause of it, but I know it has been with me for most of my life, and that it is related to my emotions, my regrets and the failure I see in myself.
I believe that when I think about causing my death, that is related to despair, more so than courage or cowardice, as perceived by others. The times when I got the closest to it were when I felt the most desperate, because the pain felt too much to take.
3. "There is always a way out."
You must realize what you're asking here: I, whose pain you have no way of knowing, should endure it and cling to the possibility of recovery, which may or may not be real.
You might not know what it feels like to be not just sad, but emotionally broken and physically weakened by depression, every second of every day. It really feels like there is no end to it.
If I keep going and stay depressed and broken for the rest of my life, you, who guilt-tripped me into staying alive, cannot be held accountable.
I am the one who has to endure this hell, so YOU can feel better about yourself. I have to live in pain to protect YOUR feelings.
4. "You need [insert solution]."
I think it is insensitive to say this without considering I might have already tried to get help or even fix this myself, but couldn't. It implies I am choosing to feel this way, or that I just didn't try hard enough.
At this point, I am not looking to get better anymore, because I don't believe it's possible. So if you really want to lend a hand, either help me end my life or take a hike!
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