Venting Acute cognitive decline

[Walpurgisnacht]

I feel like my brain is melting. Every day thinking gets harder, I have such bad brain-fog I can't even think how to write properly when posting here.
I used to be decently intelligent, I used to have a sharp reactive mind, I used to be creative and driven, I used to be able to communicate well. I can't even keep a train of thought going anymore...
Where has it all gone? I was not like this last year.
I have psychotic episodes more often than ever before now, my speech is word salad so often. There's no history of schizophrenia in my family that I know of, only thing I can think of causing this is my excessive drug and alcohol use since childhood. I hate it.. I feel like I'm trapped behind a wall of fog isolating me from my surroundings. It's terrifying.
I want to believe this can go away, I am so desperate... I've spent the last two months stuck in one small room and now I can't even perceive the depth of things outside it anymore.
I'm so scared that this is permanent. I don't know what I'm saying, I'm sorry.
Can I recover from this? Is it even possible, or is my mind truly ruined? I can't tell... I don't want to be put on anti-psychotics, I'm terrified of developing schizophrenia.
My friend told me staying in the same room for too long is bad for your mind and can worsen psychotic symptoms, on Saturday I'm finally leaving this hellhole for a week or two to stay with someone. I will be using no drugs or alcohol and I will be going outside often, I won't be isolated, and I'll be living with someone I trust in an area that's safe. I'm hoping that over there I don't experience this sort of barrier, and I'm hoping I have no psychotic episodes. I'm really hoping being in a different and safer environment and detoxing from drugs helps my neurological health. I don't know if it will, but, if it keeps getting worse even after that I think I will start preparing to CTB because I cannot take a lifetime of... this.
I have no idea if things like this are reversible, if I've caught it in time or if I just have permanent brain damage now.

SaSu, does this post I've written even make sense or is it just word salad too? I don't even notice it until afterwards, I've completely lost confidence in my ability to recognise when I'm sane.

 

[Walpurgisnacht]

Hi, thats a well written post. You might be being too hard on yourself, staying in same room definitely not good and getting outside will help, good luck

Thank you <3
I am looking forward to getting out of here.

 

[CTB Dream]

Vry understand, this me v diff injury damage but know how lose all. . This ok write post v ok but tell v posbl make slow dtriort stop dtriort need fast no slow. Not know u have wat but hope ok. Me strgl lose all no posbl any lose self no able write etc, but hope u ok illne most can wrkarnd smhw.

can say also do hobby etc help, smtm temp brain no work weather trama dsapnt life etc

 

[9thFloorAngel]

Hey friend, it makes perfect sense, I can relate a lot to this. I'm sorry you're going through this. Honestly it feels like I could have wrote most of this myself. Only difference being I didn't really have any heavy drug use that could potentially explain it. I've often wondered what the cause is, the past few months seem to have been especially bad, but it feels like this has been a slow build-up for a while now.

I've been wondering a lot about what the cause could be, whether it's something physical or psychological in nature? The only physical thing I can think of would be my history of disordered eating. I know not getting enough nutrients and such can impair the mind and cause some serious brain fog and strange mindsets, but honestly I feel like I'm doing much better nowadays so I don't know if that really explains it.

I hope things get better for the both of us, the thing that worries me the most is that as I get older it will just continue to get worse. I hope that's not the case.

 

[ExistHarm]

it is ok to feel this way. i feel this way too. my poor uncle had schizophrenia and ctb by train at 34 when i was 9. i used to be very angry at him for that, now im just jealous. i am scared to develop it too. extreme drug use since 15 years old, self harm including head banging, existing mental illness...i want to live for my own sake, for my family's sake, to see through a life story, to spread the message of veganism and antinatalism, to experience the sun on my skin and warm meals, but i too am ready to just be done..and that is ok. everyone has a right to say when they are done. i only hope my (and yours if you so choose) exit, will be painless and peaceable.

 

[Walpurgisnacht]

Thank you all for your encouragement. It really does mean a lot to know that I can still reach you even if it's harder than I remember it being. I won't ever take for granted my ability to interact with reality again.
I had attempted writing a response to you all individually but I don't think I can put it together properly right now.
I do really appreciate all you've said though, and I wish you all the best.

 

[imcadt99]

I relate to every word you said. Feeling like the world is falling apart around me, questioning reality itself. Self isolating for weeks at a time. I feel like the brilliance I possessed in high school is long gone, like I have brain damage. Incapable of forming coherent sentences at times or questioning every thought, sound, and sight I experience.

I drank for about a year as I entered that significantly worsened state, but I also had a sobriety period of 4 months in which I continued to experience those symptoms. despite healthy nutrition and blood panels. I'm not sure if it's genetic or substance induced but it's crippling. I hope you get better.

 

[Gaga786]

I feel similarly. It's almost like I am useless for this society; I don't have anything to offer. I wasn't always the most intelligent student out there as I struggled with the basic school tasks; however, my mind was still in a better position as compared to now. Im sorry to see you suffering so much, and I hope you gain the inner peace you yearn.

 

[Lost in a Dream]

I thought your post was easy enough to understand, so definitely not word salad. It probably is the long term use of drugs and alcohol that is causing the brain fog, but if you get away from those things for a bit, then maybe you can at least avoid getting worse. It also can't hurt to look into other causes, just in case there's more to it.

Hopefully what's happening to you isn't permanent, so you can avoid being forced to end your life because of an illness. If getting outside and staying with a friend helps, then maybe you caught it in time. Good luck figuring this out.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds really horrible what you have to endure, it certainly is terrifying how there is no limit as to how much we can suffer in this cruel world. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[Noi]

I can honestly relate a lot to this. My cognitive abilities have declined considerably over the years. Now the kind of problem-solving, long-term problem-solving, and awareness of my surroundings I used to exhibit on a daily basis happen every once in a while. It's been mostly replaced with ok cognitive abilities and that's honestly not too bad. Yet what I've grown to dread are the days when my brain can barely do anything. For example, I forgot how to use a basic coffee maker. Instead of thoughts, there's just noise.

 

[cowie]

that's terrible and I hope you can recover. Wishing you the best

Did you get sick recently by any chance? After I got COVID, my brain fog went through the roof and I couldn't complete daily tasks.

I don't know how often you use your phone or technology, but maybe try to use those less as well. That sometimes helps me.

 

[Walpurgisnacht]

After I got COVID, my brain fog went through the roof and I couldn't complete daily tasks.

It's interesting you mention that. I got COVID a few years ago, and because of my general poor health it took a couple weeks before I could get out of bed, which is pretty normal for when I get sick.
I got so annoyed at the insomnia I was having though that I used my benzos to sleep, and that lead to me eventually having a daily dependence on them that I still have to this day. So, I suppose in a way, it indirectly did.
I think I got pretty lucky with it though, it was just my stupid decisions that made it worse in the end I think.
My friend got horrible COVID complications that ruined her life and caused her so much suffering, it was so random and just.. unfair..

I am sorry you're afflicted with this. I hate how things like this can just be so random and come out of the blue. I wish life weren't like this.