Actual desire versus supposed need to die

[N33dT0D13]

How much I want to die varies, sometimes I don't, sometimes I really, really do, but moreso I feel like I need to. It feels like any lasting positive change, if possible, would take too long and I'd end up hurting, upsetting, angering, disappointing too many people in the meantime and I need to die to avoid that. That and part of me fears that others want me to die even if they would never say it, or that even if they don't consciously want me dead, that they'd certainly be happier if I were gone. And rightfully so given my behavior. It would be karma. I feel like continuing to live and be me is just selfish.

 

[qualityOV3Rquantity]

I can relate to this. Most of the time I'm just passive suicidal, but sometimes I get anxiety attacks where it feels like I absolutely need to die, like it's something I need to do very quickly or there will be horrible consequences.