Venting Acknowledging my personal "hard-truths"/

[Livingvsdying25]

Well I ordered some snacks but I still don't feel like eating and the hunger isn't extreme. But had to stay awake for that.



Im sleepy and watching youtube vids and actually laughing. It's nice to still be able to laugh. This CBD relaxation is truly bliss especially after all the agitation & anxiety. Both of which are still present but a lil subdued.

I can acknowledge that my life being worthless is more of my view. People caring makes me feel pressure at times to be the best person I can muster up to be. I cannot always be that person.

My friend who was gonna take me the hospital just called and I didn't answer and I feel bad but it is like 10pm.so one would assume im asleep. I would be if ubereats didn't take so long...

I really didn't & don't feel like talking rn. My words will be all repetitive and suicidal plus im tired/sleepy. Shall text her or smthin.


I feel... bad for anyone that cares for me bc of the struggles I encounter and that I am a person that just goes hard woth whatever im trying. I feel everything fully & intensely. My worker has pointed out how that is a very nice attribute of mine? Which I guess I get why?

I dunno this post wasnt to humble brag. It was to acknowledge that bc of my childhood and early adulthood abuse, I have attachments issues like more than I realized..

Its hard not to look at myself as shit & womder why people that care don't see it... it's just hard. I know a big thing I wanted in life was to be lived for who I am. Now its there and it makes me oanic sometimes.

Likeee damn my brain is really messed up but trauma does literally change the brain sooo...

I don't wanna punish anyone around me or anything. So for now ima be ok with my ability to be so honest. Tbh I think I am a terrible liar anyway...


But yee jus gonna... sleep thinking too much about connections in the mist of suicidality is a headspin. My seemingly unappreciative actions are just my own insecurities. Which oddly enough is understood by those that care...

Trauma & relationships are confusing.

My mind isn't changing on anything rn but knowing I can and that its ok to is reassuring. But it annoys me. I hate feeling wishy washy.

There sometimes is such peace with giving up. It just sucks that having chronic health issues makes me feel like/ik I have to constantly put in effort & energy.


Im going to watch youtube vids and laugh till I fall asleep.

 

[Archness]

It's great you can appreciate life somewhat, and that others appreciate you aswell.

 

[MrDarkness]

Today I had a therapist appointment, I had to tell my mom I tried to hang myself a few days earlier cause I felt sick, dizzy and tired. In the therapy session I talked about I still love life, but at some point I wanna at least control if I wanna die by my hands and not be judged, I said in reality I don't feel like dying today or tomorrow, but my mind will change later or no. I'm gonna continue to seek help, not me for but my mother at least, maybe
I won't ctb in the end or I will, I feel like burden I just feel worthless cause make people around me depressed

 

[charlotte_]

Glad to hear that some parts of your life are still enjoyable. And also, though I don't really understand the way you feel, it is totally valid. Trauma can certainly be really messy to deal with, and sometimes, you shouldn't be the one suffering alone. I'm sure people who care about you would love to make you feel better, even if it's just a little bit. Don't push yourself too much, feel free to take your time and appreciate the smallest things. I hope this is helpful somewhat, and hope you have a good day.