muutako
Light inside has broken but I still work
- Mar 15, 2020
- 6
While reading and searching for a better term to describe my feelings, I came across the concept of acedia, which Wikipedia summarizes as "a state of listlessness or torpor, of not caring or not being concerned with one's position or condition in the world". Further reading into Aldous Huxley's essay on the subject (excerpt here: https://mindyourmaker.com/2008/10/03/aldous-huxley-on-accidie-aka-melancholy-boredom-ennui-despair/) made me realize that maybe this is more common than I thought.
I have been depressed and somewhat suicidal, or rather wish I had never been born to begin with, for over a decade now. On the surface level my life is fine: I have my own apartment, I have a job which I don't necessarily hate and I have no major problems with my health. Yet I feel like everything in this life is ultimately meaningless. What sense is there to work more? What is the purpose of doing anything? Day after day I care less about my life and spend more and more time glued to my bed or staring at my bathroom tiles.
"Acedia is essentially a flight from the divine that leads to not even caring that one does not care. The ultimate expression of this is a despair that ends in suicide."
Anyone else feel this way? I feel like CTB is inevitable, and I certainly won't last for much longer in a pointless existence. I only hope someone else could have had my "successful" life instead.
I have been depressed and somewhat suicidal, or rather wish I had never been born to begin with, for over a decade now. On the surface level my life is fine: I have my own apartment, I have a job which I don't necessarily hate and I have no major problems with my health. Yet I feel like everything in this life is ultimately meaningless. What sense is there to work more? What is the purpose of doing anything? Day after day I care less about my life and spend more and more time glued to my bed or staring at my bathroom tiles.
"Acedia is essentially a flight from the divine that leads to not even caring that one does not care. The ultimate expression of this is a despair that ends in suicide."
Anyone else feel this way? I feel like CTB is inevitable, and I certainly won't last for much longer in a pointless existence. I only hope someone else could have had my "successful" life instead.
