Venting Acceptance is better than fighting it sometimes.

[Livingvsdying25]

Jus rambling before I eat finally. Been feeling so much body pain & general emotional pain that I haven't been able to eat yet.

It's just so much more comfortable these day's being real about being done with living. "Giving up" so to speak.

I always have tried my best in life even when options were limited. I had to to survive all the abuse and shit but now... while I feel like I failed I'm kinda ok with it. It's been a long fight and a long time coming.

Unless I sit & spend my day aimlessly which I hate / gets old reallll quick... then I'm done. I'm gonna purchase my method soon and I'm going to try. I might fail but trying to die feels better than trying to live.

I force myself to live and obviously it feels fucking awful. Then like today I slowly accept that maybe my time is up and suddenly it doesn't feel so bad. I still feel like shit but there's major relief in dying.

I always thought that if I just kept trying hard enough, if I just found a way to live through these suicidal times, if I just forced myself to change my mind & focus on healing... that if I did all these things it'd get better. If I did all these things I wouldn't want to die.


Im kinda sick of the notion that one can just keep pushing themselves to get out of suicidality. It's not like that. It's just not something I can particularly control. I can keep living despite wanting to die but that makes me sooo miserable.

In hindsight I've been waiting years to die. Years to live alone. Years to be able to execute a suicide plan.

I dunno... im finding some peace in being ok with not being able to not be suicidal and not being able to live when I don't want to.
Im finding peace in knowing my life is the best its ever been and I'm still giving it up.
Im finding sooooo much relief in knowing that I am finally ready to kill myself/at least ready to buy the methods.

It makes me hate myself even more when I am trying & forcing myself not be suicidal. Being suicidal is one thing but hating living is also another. I've been suicidal while wanting to live & still having hope. It isn't like that anymore. I feel the suicidality that I was used to before.

So I guess I'm just feeling less like a failure and more like... an adult with autonomy. I had so many influences persuading me to live but nope not anymore.

Sure there is still some influences but bc I value my own opinion more it's easier to be ok with dying. It's what I want.

I just hope that when the time comes I am able to end it.

My back is sooo sore from yesterday's toxic shame/inner critic/RSD attacks. Like all I have to do is feel strongly and I can barly move . Im only 24 so its sad to feel my body deteriorating. This is something people really are not understanding. I can literally feel my physical capacity waning. It's terrifying tbh. All my bloodwork comes back relatively normal. Ik/my doctor now knows theres something more going on. Not sure what. Hyperthyroidism is very likely but it isnt the cause of my limit physicality. So there's more. Don't really wanna add to my 7(?) diagnosis when im already drowning with the current ones.

Anyway this was all just word vomit bc I'm hungry from my medication and crying less/feeling a little less horrible.

Killing myself by the end of month makes me feel ecstatic. Im scared but very excited to have an out now.

Anyway my Korean corn dog is gonna be here in like 5 mins. Hoping to sleep after this.

 

[Elysion]

Being killed in war is a victory , you are a warrior

 

[The anhedonic one]

If you are feeling ecstatic about killing yourself and exited to have a plan and methods figured then you have finally arrived at the sweetest spot in your journey.

I'm at that point too, and it is a fucking beautiful and euphoric feeling.
Only when life has driven you into the bottom of the pit of despair will you get to feel this way.

 

[Lamentice]

Sounds like you're finding peace & closure in your decision <3

 

[pokemonguy123]

Very relatable. I've been fighting for almost twenty years now with no reprieve in sight, and I'm finally starting to accept that things won't ever actually get better. Everything around me has progressively gotten worse and worse, it's all falling apart and there's no way I can ignore it.

 

[poa.alpina]

I relate so much...

There was a really rough time for me a few months back. I was thinking about this 24/7. Even though I felt like not getting out of the bed, because of that I managed to prepare a lot for my departure. I've got most things sorted out. This actually calmed me, i don't feel so helpless now.

Now I'm trying out new job. It sucks. Which is ironic, because a lot of people would do everything to get such job. I got it by, I guess, an accident. And I honestly hate it. It reminds me of how much ret..ded i am lol.

But now, that things are mostly prepared, it's just sitting and waiting. Even though i spend my days just passing the time, i know there is a way out. I'm in control now, I can just grab that sweet poison from the shelf and end it now. And THIS feels amazing.
I'm bad at writing out my feelings. But i also don't want to hijack the thread heh.

I'm just happy that you found some peace now. Trying to force yourself to anything is horrible. Acceptance is that sweet inner peace. Even when you accept and acknowledge something that hurts, it's way better than denying and pretending it's all good.

 

[Livingvsdying25]

Being killed in war is a victory , you are a warrior

Thnxx everyone for the comments it really made me feel a bit better about things/understood. I'm starting to get really sleepy and hoping for a good nights sleep... can't reply to it all but wanted to say it was all read and appreciated.

This comment though made me especially emotional bc I used to/kinda see myself as a warrior like I've even written poems about it but it was always about being a warrior in living/enduring all the abuse & such.

Being able to still carry the honor of being a warrior even in death just makes me feel... less like a failure I dunno. It's like dying doesn't make me weak.

Maybe I can leave this world with a little less shame.

Woahhh im yawning soo much I really hope I sleep well.

Well wishes to y'all

 

[leavingsoon99]

I might fail but trying to die feels better than trying to live.

I force myself to live and obviously it feels fucking awful.

After a while, you just CAN'T do it anymore. This is what brings me peace. I gave this shit all I had. And I mean ALL. EVERYTHING. I used to beat myself up about not pushing forward. That "maybe I can try ONE MORE TIME!!!" voice in my head. Than logic kicked in. I DID try one more time. TOO MANY TIMES. I gave life more chances than it deserves. I gave humans more chances than they deserve. I'm fucking tired. I don't have the energy to keep trying to make this life work. I don't have the energy to keep trying to make human connections anymore. I'm to the point where living is literally just going through the motions. I'm tired of this. I felt what you wrote to the core of my being. I'm glad someone feels what I'm feeling. It lets me know that I'm not alone.

 

[cami]

there is closure in death, and i hope one day i can find that peace myself.

 

[Livingvsdying25]

After a while, you just CAN'T do it anymore. This is what brings me peace. I gave this shit all I had. And I mean ALL. EVERYTHING. I used to beat myself up about not pushing forward. That "maybe I can try ONE MORE TIME!!!" voice in my head. Than logic kicked in. I DID try one more time. TOO MANY TIMES. I gave life more chances than it deserves. I gave humans more chances than they deserve. I'm fucking tired. I don't have the energy to keep trying to make this life work. I don't have the energy to keep trying to make human connections anymore. I'm to the point where living is literally just going through the motions. I'm tired of this. I felt what you wrote to the core of my being. I'm glad someone feels what I'm feeling. It lets me know that I'm not alone.

Im glad I've joined this community almost 4 yrs ago. Im glad I kept posting even when I felt annoying/my freeze response & inner critic was high.

Im sad that anyone can relate to my posts but im also human and like to kno I'm not alone.

Suicidality is such a lonely experience...

What you've written just now is like my exact feelings on life. Im tired as hell and I've tried and tried. Sure I could keep trying but at what expense?

Its a thing to try so hard that life becomes just the effort and none of the joy. Hell I lived like that for like 22 yrs.

I hope ur able to find peace in whichever decision/direction you go and thnx for commenting