Academic suspension

[yellowraincoat225]

Once again, I'm a dumbass always tripping over my own feet. I fucked up my relationship with my highschool friends, who were my only friends since I couldn't make any in college. I was too ashamed and embarrassed about my inability to meet deadlines so I didn't reach out for help and I ignored my advisor and my professors, which made me feel even more guilty and ashamed, it's a vicious cycle.

I never felt safe or understood enough by my parents to ask them for help, they know I "was depressed once", but therapy didn't help, and they don't believe in medicine for mental stuff. I can't even say I have adhd because it's never been diagnosed even though I'm certain mine is very severe. But no, it's because I'm lazy and unmotivated. No one ever wondered if the reason I just didn't do my schoolwork was because I was physically and mentally unable to do it, I can't describe this mental block to anyone without them just assuming I'm lazy or "burnt out".

I've been lying to them about my grades, it's a stupid mistake but I can't help lying, I've been lying to my mom my whole life. Even though I KNOW her finding out my lies would only make her more angry, but it's a self defense mechanism, my first arsenal of defense against my mom is lying to appease her. But of course if I tell them the truth now, that I didn't get all As, that I actually failed, they might even disown me. And I deserve it, but they still wouldn't understand if I told them I bought a chemical off a sketchy website that will actually kill me, they wouldn't understand if I waved the bottle in front of them. They wouldn't understand if I showed them the cuts on my arm. At the end of the day, if my grades aren't all As, they won't care. Even if I sobbed and begged at their feet to let me go, to be those parents that don't care what kind of education I get as long as I'm content, it will never happen. But of course they will have every right to be furious, I've wasted so much of their money and lied to them about it.

The only way I can rectify this is by killing myself, then they'll understand I didn't do this on purpose, that I'm mentally ill and weak and a coward. Or maybe they won't even cry, my mom will call me an asshole and that will be that. But why should I care, I'll be dead.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I ended up on academic suspension during my last winter semester. My self-harm was also worsening around that time period and I mostly just spent my time pretending to be still in school and going out to smoke weed, messaging and sexting men online, and self-harming in the washrooms at my university. I only started feeling better after trying out shrooms and even then it took until my third trip for me to even be able to fully enjoy the experience. I was scared about how my parents would react to it and I was convinced that they would get tired of having to put up with my bullshit and disown me. In my case, thankfully, they were quite understanding when I came clean about it and my mom was more upset about the fact that she didn't get to take me with her when she went to her home country a few months back, lol. Anyway, the point is, that I at least somewhat understand what you are going through in this particular situation.

If you don't feel comfortable with telling your parents about it then my advice is to just lie and pretend to go to your classes and shit. Then, when the time comes, try signing up for some courses for the summer semester to make up for the credits lost during your suspension. Also, try talking to an academic advisor about it since they might be able to offer some resources to help you. Also, try looking into seeing if your school insurance covers mental healthcare once you are off your suspension. You are an adult now, so if you want to look into certain treatment options, such as meds, you should be able to without them having to know about it.

 

[InboxRain292]

I'm not in your shoes and I'm not really sure about how things work in the academic stuff, but it's not your fault for acting this way- maybe if you tell your parents about the self-harming, would they show more empathy and understanding? When I was younger and my parents found out about my cutting, they showed slightly more compassion than usual.

 

[Aloneandinpain]

Academic qualifications are increasingly overrated. Obviously sucks if you need a particular qualification to get the job you want, but many jobs are overrated too.

Sorry to hear about losing friends, those truly are important, more so than grades. Try to find new ones if you can, that would be my advice.