SpencerSees
I want to swim until my arms give out 🍀
- Feb 22, 2023
- 117
Apologies for the late answers on my last post, I'm still pondering some of the very good advice you all gave.
For the past three days I had a horrid stomach bug, which got me vomiting out everything I ate, or worse. I believed it could be something actually serious but of course it was only minor. No sympathy points for me. Today I had my first ever test in college, and it went awful, despite all my efforts. I should have expected it. I'm like mediocre at most things I do. I guess you could say at least I'm good-looking, but anyone could be called if only lit by streetlights.
It feels disgusting to exist. I hate how much I crave someone would love me like parents love their children. I'm not a child anymore, i don't know why I want to be treated as such. I pray every time I meet with a guy that he'll kill me. Maybe then people would feel bad for me. Which is also really selfish. All I ever wanted was someone to step up and say that I deserve better, even when I clearly don't. I don't want it to be a friend, those people who care for you only lie. Sorry I have a raging headache I don't even know if it makes sense.
I went to the nearby river after my test and sat on the bank until it got dark. The water was so cold against my fingers I thought I'd piss myself. I think I'm buying a rope soon. This weekend, maybe. My parents say I'm being dramatic and irrational about a simple test, but they don't get it. This is just another sign out of thousands, that yup another thing I'm mediocre at. I used to hope college would be different. But it really is just the same and more. I've been at this life for what feels like forever and as long as my memories can go back, I wanted it to be over. I know I won't create anything remarkable or big that will make people remember me, no comic from a nonexistent older sibling about how I was such a happy child and then I killed myself. When I'm not completely hopeless, I hope that in another life (If there is one) I'll have all that. My head is about to explode, someone might have put smt in my drink or Im paranoid. okay till next time
Anyone else feeling like this? Let me know!
For the past three days I had a horrid stomach bug, which got me vomiting out everything I ate, or worse. I believed it could be something actually serious but of course it was only minor. No sympathy points for me. Today I had my first ever test in college, and it went awful, despite all my efforts. I should have expected it. I'm like mediocre at most things I do. I guess you could say at least I'm good-looking, but anyone could be called if only lit by streetlights.
It feels disgusting to exist. I hate how much I crave someone would love me like parents love their children. I'm not a child anymore, i don't know why I want to be treated as such. I pray every time I meet with a guy that he'll kill me. Maybe then people would feel bad for me. Which is also really selfish. All I ever wanted was someone to step up and say that I deserve better, even when I clearly don't. I don't want it to be a friend, those people who care for you only lie. Sorry I have a raging headache I don't even know if it makes sense.
I went to the nearby river after my test and sat on the bank until it got dark. The water was so cold against my fingers I thought I'd piss myself. I think I'm buying a rope soon. This weekend, maybe. My parents say I'm being dramatic and irrational about a simple test, but they don't get it. This is just another sign out of thousands, that yup another thing I'm mediocre at. I used to hope college would be different. But it really is just the same and more. I've been at this life for what feels like forever and as long as my memories can go back, I wanted it to be over. I know I won't create anything remarkable or big that will make people remember me, no comic from a nonexistent older sibling about how I was such a happy child and then I killed myself. When I'm not completely hopeless, I hope that in another life (If there is one) I'll have all that. My head is about to explode, someone might have put smt in my drink or Im paranoid. okay till next time
Anyone else feeling like this? Let me know!
