LastLoveLetter
Persephone
- Mar 28, 2021
- 654
I was taken advantage of sexually recently, when I was in a compromised, vulnerable state. It wasn't rape. I have a long history of sexual abuse and rape beginning in early childhood, and this didn't fit into that category for me.
However, it was definitely taking advantage. There was a power imbalance and I was under the influence of alcohol. They were sober and knew exactly what they were doing.
Despite having endured more traumatic experiences and abuse in my lifetime, this still felt like another nail in the coffin for me. It is the last thing I needed.
I endeavoured to meet more people when that opportunity presented itself, to try to alleviate this unbearable isolation and loneliness. My health has been declining significantly again, so I wanted to at least try to do this while I still could.
All that led to was pain and manipulation.
In the aftermath, when I set boundaries with those I have met and those I hoped to have in my life, they all disappeared. Every single one of them exposed themselves as a person who befriended me with an ulterior motive - whether that was to take advantage sexually, financially, emotionally or otherwise. Not one person I have met in the past 6-8 months wanted to spend time with me for me. They put up with my health beginning to deteriorate again only because they wanted something. They only wanted what I could give, or what they felt entitled to take. And when my trust was abused and I finally said "No, I won't accept that", I was left alone. Again.
I could have that companionship again, but at what cost? Allow people to use my body as they wish or take it by force? Allow people to take advantage of me emotionally and financially? Allow people to treat me as an expendable resource, instead of a human being? My heart cannot handle that again.
And I realised: I was better off staying alone all of this time. I was better off being lonely, than being hurt and abused yet again. I was better off taking my life while I had the chance, instead of fooling myself into believing that there was any chance of a better life.
The medication doesn't work anymore. My newfound "friends" were never friends. I am ill, in pain and traumatised. Yet again.
Everything has come full circle. The carousel of misery never ended - it merely tricked me into believing that it would someday, with the right medication and support (and I have now run out of options to try at this point, after so many years of trying everything I could). It was a brief interlude, leading to more abuse, more abandonment and more anguish.
And here I am, unable to function, unable to manage the absolute bear minimum, unable to even drag myself out of bed. With no-one to help or care. Even those whose duty it is to safeguard and to take notice, are all turning a blind eye as they witness my deterioration.
Here I am, wanting to die again. And I don't see a slither of hope to hold onto this time.
However, it was definitely taking advantage. There was a power imbalance and I was under the influence of alcohol. They were sober and knew exactly what they were doing.
Despite having endured more traumatic experiences and abuse in my lifetime, this still felt like another nail in the coffin for me. It is the last thing I needed.
I endeavoured to meet more people when that opportunity presented itself, to try to alleviate this unbearable isolation and loneliness. My health has been declining significantly again, so I wanted to at least try to do this while I still could.
All that led to was pain and manipulation.
In the aftermath, when I set boundaries with those I have met and those I hoped to have in my life, they all disappeared. Every single one of them exposed themselves as a person who befriended me with an ulterior motive - whether that was to take advantage sexually, financially, emotionally or otherwise. Not one person I have met in the past 6-8 months wanted to spend time with me for me. They put up with my health beginning to deteriorate again only because they wanted something. They only wanted what I could give, or what they felt entitled to take. And when my trust was abused and I finally said "No, I won't accept that", I was left alone. Again.
I could have that companionship again, but at what cost? Allow people to use my body as they wish or take it by force? Allow people to take advantage of me emotionally and financially? Allow people to treat me as an expendable resource, instead of a human being? My heart cannot handle that again.
And I realised: I was better off staying alone all of this time. I was better off being lonely, than being hurt and abused yet again. I was better off taking my life while I had the chance, instead of fooling myself into believing that there was any chance of a better life.
The medication doesn't work anymore. My newfound "friends" were never friends. I am ill, in pain and traumatised. Yet again.
Everything has come full circle. The carousel of misery never ended - it merely tricked me into believing that it would someday, with the right medication and support (and I have now run out of options to try at this point, after so many years of trying everything I could). It was a brief interlude, leading to more abuse, more abandonment and more anguish.
And here I am, unable to function, unable to manage the absolute bear minimum, unable to even drag myself out of bed. With no-one to help or care. Even those whose duty it is to safeguard and to take notice, are all turning a blind eye as they witness my deterioration.
Here I am, wanting to die again. And I don't see a slither of hope to hold onto this time.
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