BasqueClown
Zirkua ata heriotza
- Jun 9, 2022
- 121
Why I'm so broken?
Community,
This is the only space that I express myself without fearing judging.
I'm in treatment for mental and drug problems. I was hospitalized for court order to detox and since I was declared in danger to myself or others. In theory, antidepressant could help to resolve drug addiction, since I'm in 120MG of Duloxetine (I'll ask to doctor to reduce to 60mg, wish me luck) but today, since is the "anniversary" of my first suicide attempt (in 2021) , the abstinence rushed to unbearable limits.
I asked for a some neighbors for lots of cigarretes since my aunt doesn't allow me to buy tobacco or alcohol. Also one of them give me wine and was the first time since my dropout of hospital to drink again, when my aunt was out (Asked for a mint candy and change and clean clothing lol), whatever...
Look, I know the chit chat "Drugs are bad blablabla" but here's the thing: a insecure woman, 25 years old, with a failed and toxic relationship with my only "girlfriend" until today, without job and dubtful about to return to my profession (Spanish or french teacher), I had the bad companies and return to Ecstasy/Molly, Weed and alcohol in 2022.
Weed I doesn't miss so much. But Molly hits hard, since I using it to do my freelance chores (Like making subtitles or making some random translations), and returning again and again. Since I was aware to my fear of losing control to other more harder drugs I only stay in that, but I'm paying the consequences. I feel old from the mirror, as the lack of good resting was depraved in my wild moments. I feel ashamed to recognize I'm a drug addict, but at the same time I consider that 12 steps program or that religious support groups bullshit since someone judges you if you're not hetero or at least being inside closet. Perhaps it's some program who welcomes LGBT people too, but since I'm writing this in an extra dosage of Dulox since I can't control myself and instead to scream and going pickpocketing outside to find some Molly, the only way that I have to express myself is writing and writing in this oldie laptop. Some things I reserve to myself, but seriously, first time I'm experimenting a huge crisis of abstinence.
I lost sense of time and I only know that it's 2:29 AM right now since I googled it. I only enter in this site because I remember the password, but I lost appetite, lost concentration of movies or series, or reading. I don't know what I take long to write this, like I'm feeling floating in a sea of confused feelings, thoughts and psyshical syntomps.
Community,
This is the only space that I express myself without fearing judging.
I'm in treatment for mental and drug problems. I was hospitalized for court order to detox and since I was declared in danger to myself or others. In theory, antidepressant could help to resolve drug addiction, since I'm in 120MG of Duloxetine (I'll ask to doctor to reduce to 60mg, wish me luck) but today, since is the "anniversary" of my first suicide attempt (in 2021) , the abstinence rushed to unbearable limits.
I asked for a some neighbors for lots of cigarretes since my aunt doesn't allow me to buy tobacco or alcohol. Also one of them give me wine and was the first time since my dropout of hospital to drink again, when my aunt was out (Asked for a mint candy and change and clean clothing lol), whatever...
Look, I know the chit chat "Drugs are bad blablabla" but here's the thing: a insecure woman, 25 years old, with a failed and toxic relationship with my only "girlfriend" until today, without job and dubtful about to return to my profession (Spanish or french teacher), I had the bad companies and return to Ecstasy/Molly, Weed and alcohol in 2022.
Weed I doesn't miss so much. But Molly hits hard, since I using it to do my freelance chores (Like making subtitles or making some random translations), and returning again and again. Since I was aware to my fear of losing control to other more harder drugs I only stay in that, but I'm paying the consequences. I feel old from the mirror, as the lack of good resting was depraved in my wild moments. I feel ashamed to recognize I'm a drug addict, but at the same time I consider that 12 steps program or that religious support groups bullshit since someone judges you if you're not hetero or at least being inside closet. Perhaps it's some program who welcomes LGBT people too, but since I'm writing this in an extra dosage of Dulox since I can't control myself and instead to scream and going pickpocketing outside to find some Molly, the only way that I have to express myself is writing and writing in this oldie laptop. Some things I reserve to myself, but seriously, first time I'm experimenting a huge crisis of abstinence.
I lost sense of time and I only know that it's 2:29 AM right now since I googled it. I only enter in this site because I remember the password, but I lost appetite, lost concentration of movies or series, or reading. I don't know what I take long to write this, like I'm feeling floating in a sea of confused feelings, thoughts and psyshical syntomps.
