Help About postponing my CTB until the late 2022 or the early 2023 and...

[Blue Rose]

Recently, I got a part time job a day. I did my job well, everything went well also.
But, my soul was being rotten in my work place with anguish and I was almost mad.

My task was not dirty, difficult, dangerous. But as there is no perfect job for everyone, it was boring a little.
Having focused on carrying out it, I started to arrange my thoughts and schedule in my head. Then, something went wrong.

I came to think about some SS members, SS itself, and my CTB plan. So naturally, I recalled my parents and boyfriend.
That's it. They made me sorrowful and hurt again. Having accomplished my job, I was crying silently.
I realised that I had loved them so much too. Having confronted my intense ambivalence to them and my society,
I felt as if myself had been ground with my agony, grief, and unsolved questions alive.

Even though I imagine the progress of my death hundreds times, It can Never touch even the surface of my heart.
However when I imagine their grief, loneliness, and their swearing to me even once,
This imagination makes me almost insane and cry out in my room alone.

I can't describe the detail, however I can say that not only they love me indeed, but also they depend on me Definitely.
So If I have gone, not only they would feel vast emptiness and sorrow but also probably they would attempt to do their CTB,
Especially my mother and boyfriend.


Then for a long time, I was considering my decision to give up my CTB for some years at least, maybe in the whole life.
I concluded it will be impossible, sadly. For myself, my death became my meal, water, air and blood that runs in this body.
I am getting old even now, I have a little time and chances. For some personal reasons and philosophical reasons,
I had concluded that my life had not been worth to live on with useless struggles already, and had known that I had not wanted to survive so much.
In addition, even now I would Not like to search the certain reason for prolonging my days.

And last, imagining myself as a prisoner to serve my life sentence against my will in this world, Tears had to be poured on a floor often.


In title of this thread, I implied a plan to postpone my CTB date. Originally, I would like to execute that in the early 2022.
But I think it is too early, probably I will postpone the date again. Even if everything is nor sure now.

Last, I would like to seek your story or advice.

How could I reassure them before my CTB as possible as I could in advance?
How could I relieve their guilty, grief, and emptiness in advance?
Though I have a time for the moment, I never know how or what I should do for them with my truth and love...


+ P.s / I have decided Not to seek N, SN, SA, KCN anymore.

First, I would not like to make someone break the law and rules in SK and his/her conscience.
Second, I don't think that myself is smart as the people in the customs of SK.

Third, both my parents have very hot temper and they love me soooo much. If they find my dead body and the very deadly poison,
Probably they Will take it on their impulse to attempt to follow my path.

Fourth, I would not like to show others the corpse and I want to show their foolishness to the government of SK.
Even if they censor many sites and regulate many drugs, tools, etc, They can Never stop and interrupt me.

And last, my method should be undone easily if I change my mind. Freezing myself is surely the most beautiful method to me,
But also the method that can be undone anytime. I had prepared kindling, a lighter, resin, and other things for making a fire.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

Sure, I'll give my personal view on my own possible future suicide in regards to loved ones.

Parents: Brought me into this world and destroyed my ability to form relationships by leaving me in kindergarten / giving me genetic defects. The entire thing is them slowly stabbing themselves in the foot, I don't have anything to do with it, simply did my part in the chain of events that they started.

Siblings: Collateral damage, unfortunate but due to my low levels of care or empathy I'm willing to go ahead with the suicide anyway.

Girlfriend: Oh wait, I've never had one.

Friends: Oh wait, I don't have any.

 

[killedbypsychiatry]

Hi, I don't have much insightful information but I just wanted to share that I'm in a similar situation. I am scared of CTB because I don't want to hurt my twin sister and parents. however the main reason I haven't CTB is because they are very overprotective and I risk being found. I also have to post pone my CTB until they become a bit less over protective and I also want to CTB until I make sure they'll be "fine". I obviously can't ensure they'll be completely fine after I CTB but I'll do my best.

A way in which you could help them cope is by explaining in your suicide note if you plan to make one, very very well why you think CTB is the best option for you and how much you desire that. You could also explain that this is not their fault and they couldn't have done anything to prevent it in order for them not to feel guilty about not having saved you. Try to explain very well why you decided this and also you could leave a list of resources to help then cope, like books about loosing someone to suicide or grief therapist

I had never thought about them drinking the N or SN after I CTB but now that you said it I'm worried... my dad also has a hot temper and has commented that if I die he would kill myself. That makes me very worried. I just hope his religious beliefs help him and I guess I'll CTB until I make sure he's calmer and I maybe make sure he has some insight I'll be CTB to avoid him being traumatized when it happens.

I still don't know until when I will post pone my CTB but it will definitely have to be until I feel I can safely do it. Don't feel bad about having to post pone, CTB is a big decision and you shouldn't do it until you're completely sure it's the best option.

 

[MindFrog]

It's really hard, isnt it? You can never choose a route without hurting anyone. Sometimes I do wish I die of natural causes because of this. Making the decision to ctb feel like I'm pushing the knife deeper to my loved ones.

I'm my mom's emotional pillar. I dont exactly have a way of dealing this other than after making sure she has someone to lean on after I ctb. This is why dont exactly have a timeframe.

We can only do so much to ease their minds without outright saying our desire to ctb. Maybe small talks about life and death could work. Or just constantly remind how much you love them.

I'm still trying to do this myself.