A vent/ my story

[egyptian_baddie]

I was born a homosexual in a very homophobic country (egypt) as much as i may love this country, but it has fucked me a lot , i see no future of me here. I was a smart kid all over school, until i got into medicine and then things took a huge ass U turn. First year , my uncle who lives very close got diagnosed with bipolar after threatening to off both my grandparents whom i love so much and then with covid and shit, i developed an eating disorder that consumed all my soul. I couldnt study throughout med school, tho i didnt fail however my grades were awful. I have dated people throughout uni, one was long distance but we had to end it, i like to call him the best ex or shit like that but in all honesty i never really loved him, but he ended it because of distance and he was also cheating on me but i would never tell anyone that he cheated , because i am trying to protect his image i guess? And then i dated someone who was so mentally ill, he would breakup with me weekly and i would put up with his actions, because i have fear of abandonment and shit like that. Until he decided to end it all after 6 months i think, i survived tho because again i didnt fall in lovr with the person. Then came this beautiful person, he was everything thats right in thr world, he was like a breeze of cold air in hot summer day, he first wanted to be fwb but then i told him no and then we decided to be in a relationship. Throughout the relationship we had fights, but i always loved him , loved him with all my heart , our fights were all because i was anxious , but i loved him so much , we stayed together for much , he gave me reassurance and i believed him and trusted him, because after all , he was the love of my life. Fast forward November of last year after my birthday and when my grandpa was hospitalized , he decided to breakup with me because he said 'its too difficult/internalised homophobia' i stayed in denial , i tried to commit suicide but failed (i was so close) i literally couldnt see any light in life without him, i love him. He even visited me in hospital in my suicide , my intentions were never meant to manipulate him or anything but thats how he probably felt but i genuinely wanted to end it all. After i got out of hospital, he broke the news that he is now in love with a new girl. I dont know it felt so quick to me , obviously me being me so in love , we fought and havent talked ever since, i was honestly just terrible, i called him names, i apologized but still. I would take a bullet for this man if i could , i would donate my life to him , he was that good and thats how much i loved him and i cant believe internalised homophobia made him do that. Now i am just alone honestly, i am not okay , i cant love another after him, i just cant. I think by next week, i'll be long gone. My grades are bad and i dont have a future in medicine in Egypt. Countries abroad are not accepting foreign doctors and its too hard. I am doing terrible financially. My grandpa who i love the most is in the ICU. And i want a man that wont love me back. I have no future in this life, maybe I succeed jn another life if i get reincarnated or maybe i end up in hell, if the religion i was raised with is true then i am definitely ending up in hell. So funny how i dont have a good future either in life or after life. I am just fucked! I think its time for me to go, just need to finalize some shit before i go

 

[Cyc]

You've been through a lot, it must be really hard having to constantly hide who you are while constantly being hurt by those around you whom you trust.

I've been through similar: I've struggled with an eating disorder in the past and I've been through abusive relationships. It's why I struggle to trust people in real life.

The only piece of advice I can give is if you do decide to go ahead with anything, make sure you think it through carefully. I hope you find peace from whatever path you choose to go down <3

 

[egyptian_baddie]

You've been through a lot, it must be really hard having to constantly hide who you are while constantly being hurt by those around you whom you trust.

I've been through similar: I've struggled with an eating disorder in the past and I've been through abusive relationships. It's why I struggle to trust people in real life.

The only piece of advice I can give is if you do decide to go ahead with anything, make sure you think it through carefully. I hope you find peace from whatever path you choose to go down <3

i think i will order SN, i cant access benzo in my country and the only SN available is not food grade but i will try, hopefully its peaceful.

 

[Cyc]

SN needs to be at least 95% purity otherwise it won't work

 

[egyptian_baddie]

SN needs to be at least 95% purity otherwise it won't work

i found one 99% but not food grade, but i think its gonna work

 

[doomedbynarrative]

I'm sorry you've had to go through this. I have a Palestinian friend who went through something similar and a friend from Indonesia is also struggling with it and trying to get out to study abroad. It really is so insanely tough and it's not fair to you all at all. You should all be free to love and live as you will. We all should be. Idk why human society has to make it so difficult...

 

[egyptian_baddie]

I'm sorry you've had to go through this. I have a Palestinian friend who went through something similar and a friend from Indonesia is also struggling with it and trying to get out to study abroad. It really is so insanely tough and it's not fair to you all at all. You should all be free to love and live as you will. We all should be. Idk why human society has to make it so difficult...

thank you for your kindness , maybe in another life, hopefully it gets better for the new generations but for me honestly, my time is gone

 

[Cyc]

i found one 99% but not food grade, but i think its gonna work

I hope you find peace through whatever path you choose

 

[egyptian_baddie]

thank you, hopefully we all find peace and hapiness