Venting A thread for my vents from now on

[PianoGoat]

First off hello to everyone, i'm new to the forum, but i have been reading before i had an account for over a year now.
I've been in a downhill spiral for most of my life, and i am tired of everything around me.
I have hobbies, i play the piano at a very high level, i have now gotten into photography, trying to distract myself from the truth.
I am physically very ugly,I've been told so many sweet things but then got treated like absolute shit by friends and partners.
I try my best to always be nice to everyone, but i just dont exist in anyone's life.
This is just the truth and i need to accept it, but it is so hard...
I've had awful experiences with therapy before, and i dont ever want to seek help that way.
I am now just living day to day trying my best not to break down, but for over 3 years i have been looking at a place i could realistically jump off of and cbt (it is over 5 stories tall, dont know exact height in metres).
Yesterday i broke down outside and started crying because i realized that time keeps passing but i haven't done it yet.
I am so tired.
Nothing could realistically make me want to live again. I stopped talking to most people because i have this feeling of being unwanted, and i feel bad for them.
I just wish i could die, so nobody would ever remember i exist.
I've had a past of self harming, mostly on the legs because i was afraid that if i cut my arms it would affect my piano performance. I still have scars there and it makes me feel so ill.
I have a weird relationship with intimacy and sex.
I wish somebody could just love me, but i realize how me being ugly would stop that from ever happening, i will never be wanted for real.
I hate my own genitals.
I often am about to cut there, but stop because of fear that it could get me sent to the hospital if i let myself go and do too much damage.
I am sorry if this may be a bit weird for a first rant/vent, but i have never talked about my hate for my own body that much, expecially about that.

I just wish i weren't here.
For now i haven't decided on a date to cbt, and im not planning to do it soon, i still have hope maybe i can be loved or do something so great that i will never feel suicidal again, but i dont think it can happen.
I am still hopeful though, and thats why i'm here, venting, getting these feelings out, hoping maybe i can change.
Is there anything i could do?

 

[PianoGoat]

Wow venting after an hour i posted this.
I hate my body. I am only happy when i skip meals. Its unhealthy and its killing me. I just hate myself that much i guess.
Im happy now. i feel sick

 

[Forever Sleep]

Welcome to the forum. Thank you for sharing your story, I'm sorry life has brought you here.

I wish I knew what to advise. I suppose, if you still have hope that certain things could potentially turn things around for you then, I feel like it's worth pursuing those things while you do still have the hope and energy to do so.

The piano playing sounds brilliant. I love listening to music. I love piano pieces and often wonder how amazing it would be to be able to sit down and play a favourite. Do you compose at all? Are you able to spend much time on it? Does it still give you fulfilment? I'm creative but, the visual arts. So, I can understand the creative drive. It was always a coping mechanism for me but, it's started to diminish for me, the past few years.

I'm no good with relationship advice, seeing as I've never had one but, I can sympathise with a fear of abandonment (if you have that,) or, the feeling that we're not important to others.

The genital mutilation was brave I think to talk about. Have you explored the root cause of these feelings? Is it to do with body dysphoria? I'm guessing wanting to restrict your diet is to do with this? It sounds very distressing for you.

I'm sorry therapy hasn't helped in the past. I can understand you not wanting to try it again- if you had bad experiences. I only did it a couple of sessions. I just found it so intrusive. I suppose it has to be really! I doubt I'd can be much more help than a sounding board here but, plenty of people I'm sure will be willing to 'listen' if it helps to 'talk'.

 

[PianoGoat]

Well hello! For sure i am not sad that life has brought me here (to this forum), as i don't intend purely on ending my life. I maybe just want to find a place where i can be honest to myself and hear other's opinions. I already feel so much more comfortable in here than i have in any other forum/server.
If you meant sorry that life has brought me
to the point of considering suicide, i know, but it happens to most of us, for different reasons, i am really aware of it, despite i am unable to act either positively or negatively (just living and moving forward for now).

I am actually pursuing photography as not only a hobby but a job. Maybe ill get started on courses to get connections and maybe start earning a bit from that too. Being a student in conservatory it's hard to "enjoy" music when you have to study three hours a day at least at the piano to be able to be just as good as everyone else...
I actually do compose a bit, one of my pieces was actually performed live at the city's biggest venue, and there were a few hundred people there to listen to it. I've also had pieces performed by violinists and cellists that won major international competitions, but that's just lucky since my father had those connections.
You'd think a person like that has many connections and friends, but no, i don't.
God i ended up in the news, the mayor of the city (one of the biggest in italy) himself gave me an award and i feel like i never deserved it and i feel like it never even happened, nobody other than me cares.

I don't want to yap too much, but it's been over a year since i got ideas to compose, i feel burned out already (which is kind of worrying), but i think it's the stress of everything.
The fact that creative drive is diminishing for you (if i understood it correctly), is something i really relate to, but i'm trying to get back on my feet to get better at photography and music in general.

Little ramble that came to mind:
To be honest i don't understand myself, if i knew myself i'd like myself so much and i'd want to be around people like me, but... i've never found somebody who shares my same interests that appreciated me.
I'm afraid of sounding egoistic when saying this but i dont understand what part of me turns everyone away from me.
Is it my face? my talking? (have a slight speech impediment since i am bilingual, i struggle talking both english and italian at a good level)
maybe my personality? i dont know...


Back on track, about the relationship... im trying to keep myself sane. Distraction. a lot of distraction. i think that was the main reason i finally decided to make an account for this forum, so i could not only read but also talk and feel part of something.

Not being abandoned maybe, being part of other's vents or rambles, talking to them, feeling part of something.

It's actually incredibly embarrassing to talk about the genital thing, god i didnt even know how to word it. Being a male i do feel like all around a shit talking about this, and i think one of the causes i constantly am on the edge of doing it is that i just feel like the whole existance of "it" is... so horrible. I hate how many times i hear of women getting raped and i could never imagine how a man could ever do it, but at the same time i "know" (am able to feel) the animalistic desire to destroy and get pleasure from it, just because i am human.
I hate the fact that i could ever be related to something like that.
And something i really hate is that i got abused at 14 by my ex. Maybe it's all in my head because afterall i am a guy and guys should be the ones wanting it but... i didnt want to and she threatened to kill herself if i didn't do it.
Maybe i should be more clear but being so long ago i've tried to delete that moment from my life. It was the lowest moment in my whole life i think.

Body dismorphia i think developed seriously after that.
I am a grown adult now but i still feel like that scared child who got forced to do that.

And now i feel the desire to have sex and i hate that part of me so much. I hate it so much. I dont know why i am so focused on having sex when it literally ruined my life.
I seriously can't even understand it. I hate that part of me.
You have no idea how many times i searched for some kind of hormone therapy that would decrease or hopefully eliminate any sexual desire from me, and that makes me feel so fucking embarrassed of myself.
I hope i don't sound like a weirdo though... i have (or used to have, i dont talk much to them anymore) female friends with whom i have/had such a good friendship with, but obviously i'd never talk about this to them...

I think that is the main reason why i want to self harm there, and maybe why every time i do it i keep going closer.
I wish i could cut it so much that the pain would be stronger than the sexual desire...

I bet it's incredibly weird so you're actually free to judge me how you want, i wouldn't have texted all of this if i wasn't expecting to be judged.

I mean you've already made me feel more
comfortable than therapy, even though that might be because this is more "anonymous" than therapy...

Thanks so much for the reply, and im proud of myself for talking about this, even though i am quite disgusted by myself for it...

 

[PianoGoat]

Another vent:
im tired of being lied to and taken advantage of... i cant take being constantly tossed around, being lied to.
so i not deserve to know the truth??? what did i do wrong in life :(

i'm so helpless, i wish something in the world could comfort me when i feel this way.
But the more i just lay down and do nothing the more i get anxious of how much i need to study...I literally have a concert in two days and i feel like i'm not ready at all... i just cant find motivation to practice i feel like its all over...

 

[me_when_:D]

(have a slight speech impediment since i am bilingual, i struggle talking both english and italian at a good level)

Oh god, this is so relatable. My biggest insecurity is my speech issues, and I am juggling 3 languages (Ukrainian, russian and English) at the same time in my brain.

 

[PianoGoat]

Oh god, this is so relatable. My biggest insecurity is my speech issues, and I am juggling 3 languages (Ukrainian, russian and English) at the same time in my brain.

Look thats actually so admirable though, think about how many years somebody would have to study russian or ukranian and they'd never get at your level (unless they start speaking it with locals daily i guess but still... from birth its different)

 

[me_when_:D]

Look thats actually so admirable though, think about how many years somebody would have to study russian or ukranian and they'd never get at your level (unless they start speaking it with locals daily i guess but still... from birth its different)

Haha yeah, I just wish I didn't speak like an idiot in my own native language. People have told me that I could be a pretty good entertainer if I didn't have speech issues.

But I am really grateful for knowing English, if not that we wouldn't speak now! So many cool people speak English haha (u are in the list too :P, doing a concert is so wildly cool)

 

[PianoGoat]

Haha yeah, I just wish I didn't speak like an idiot in my own native language. People have told me that I could be a pretty good entertainer if I didn't have speech issues.

But I am really grateful for knowing English, if not that we wouldn't speak now! So many cool people speak English haha (u are in the list too :P, doing a concert is so wildly cool)

I appreciate everything :) but doing a concert would be cooler if i felt confident about performing well....... ._.

And i feel you, i have a really bad stutter and i used to get made fun for it

 

[PianoGoat]

Im kinda desperate. im so lonely and i hate being alone with myself.
i wish somebody saved me.
i dont want to die but it really seems like my last option

 

[PianoGoat]

so afraid of messing up at todays recital. Im performing in a couple of minutes... ill let you know how it goes but i am
so afraid...



update: went decently... not really happy but it didnt go bad enough to make me cut

 

[PianoGoat]

Its currenlyy midnight and 26 minutes, and i have to wake up at 5:30 but i am SO SO HAPPY THAT I FINALLY found the source i need.
This made my day so much better... At least now i know there is a door open if life becomes too much... j feel so much better :)

 

[PianoGoat]

god fucking damn it i just self harmed i didnt want to do it i promised i wouldnt anymore
i hate myself i want this shit to just fucking end what the fuck is wrong with people