Venting A Talk

[Irish_V]

This is my first time posting here so I apologize if I get anything wrong

I'm not sure if I should break this post up or just lay everything out, but regardless I'll see where this goes

I'm 22 years old now, and ever since I was about 15 years old I've had a constant struggle with depression and suicidal thoughts, up until I was 19 I had the very standard teenage up and down so I was able to deal with these emotions on good days and pass through the bad ones. At 17 I attempted to take my life by hanging myself but my belt (which I tried using as a noose) fell as soon as I kicked my chair down and the thud noise alerted my dog and I quickly had to hide everything from my parents. At 21 I tried again using a very similar method, but I gave up. Since then I had once struggled with paranoia as well as questioning my own identity as a man. I might go more in depth as I feel more comfortable but at the beginning of this year I attempted again to take my own life using the "Night-Night" method but my friends called the police and I was sent to a mental institution for 3 days. Ever since then I've felt more so on life support than actually alive, the medication I have and the therapy I'm taking worked for a short while but I'm trudging along now as it is. It's like the dopamine in my brain has turned off and nothing keeps me hopeful enough to want to keep going other than thinking of how my parents will react to my death.

I'm currently experiencing one of the greater lows of my life, I'm not going anywhere, and I don't have any motivation to do so. I'm looking for an easy way out, I read about Robin Williams' suicide and would like to know in more detail how his method works. I've tried taking a look at the suicide pills and other medication and might one day end up breaking and ordering those if I can't build myself up to asphyxiating myself. I just want to find peace.

Thanks for reading, I might post more below if I feel comfortable enough.

 

[CatLvr]

I won't ask you any questions, just say a couple things for you to consider.

Before I registered here and starting interacting with you kids (yep, you are just a babe in the woods. I have grandkids your age.) I spent the better part of a week just lurking and researching ways to ctb. Now I am a fairly active member (dunno if that's good or bad for the place as a whole) but my ctb feelings have subsided for now.

Maybe take a step back and take a deep breath. Read as much as you can about the different methods described here and while you are doing that read some other folks' stories. Chances are you will find someone you connect with and y'all can help each other through the tough times -- even if that tough time turns out to be one of you deciding to go ahead and ctb.

I dunno. Just a thought.

 

[dreamcatcher90]

eh... 22 years old.. very young.

Lots of things could change. sometimes we just need to vent it all out and it gets a bit better.

 

[FuneralCry]

I just wish for some peace as well from this cruel existence. But anyway I wish you all the best, I hope you find what you search for.

 

[hereornot]

I'm sorry for your depression. I agree with what the friends above wrote, take a look at other stories and think about whether at 17 there is still time to be different. In my case, if I were 17 today, or 20, even 30... things would be different than they are today. Don't rush.

 

[Irish_V]

Hey, thanks for all the replies, I'm pretty appreciative and feel a little embarrassed to have so many people peering on my melodrama lol.

If it's ok I might use this thread as a venting space every once and a while, I understand that I'm still young and I remind myself that sometimes but it's rough when I haven't been able to see a light in the past 7 odd years. I got diagnosed with major depressive disorder during my time in hospice so fighting that off is extremely difficult from time to time. I don't mean to disparage anyone saying that it could get better because I'm young but I'm losing hope as each year passes is all, and I don't know how much longer I can stay with it.