A stab of loneliness

[hang in there]

At these points in the early hours of the morning I am the only one awake. I have always been alone. No one sits and watches the moon cross the sky with me. Hours tick by and I feel a crushing loneliness in my chest like I have been run over by a truck. Each night this happens I feel further cut off from humanity. When I am at work it is worse. Sometimes I will be driving us around at night and just quietly burst into tears so I don't disturb my partner. I am such an enormous pussy when someone dies it haunts me for years. There was a patient I had to run into the intersection to stop because she was trying to die by a vehicle. That is the only time I have not felt alone. I felt like we were going out together. I never think about it but for some reason this song I'm listening to reminded me of that short forgotten moment years ago. The sun is coming up now and it feels like a curtain pulled across a casket. I don't really care if I sound dramatic I am just explaining my feelings. I have to shove them down every day because I am not allowed to feel them. I feel like I am wearing a mask and no one knows who or what I really am. If they knew they would turn away in disgust and horror. I feel like the world would be right if I was dead but I am anchored here by the emotions of others. I am not allowed to die because it would hurt my little siblings too badly. I wish I was dead and I never want to wake up again. I am fucking chained here like an animal against my will and my every instinct says my existence is a blight. No one can help me and nothing I do will ever change that. I'm sitting here bitching and crying so I don't grab my gun and shoot myself right this fucking minute. I can't, and that just makes me feel worse. I want to die.

 

[getoutgirl]

Such a sad read, but so beautifully worded. A bazillion hugs your way <333

 

[hang in there]

It's that time of night again.
I sat by the water trying to feel any enjoyment from the sunset and the birds and I could not feel anything. The only thought in my head today has been the feeling of the gun in my hand earlier and the fact I wasted that moment I could have escaped.
I don't want to talk to my psychiatrist but I think my meds stopped working again.

 

[hang in there]

I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. Make it stop.

 

[hang in there]

I've been watching videos of people killing theselves all night.
Apparently I can't win. I try to be thoughtful and make sure I don't bore others to death with my presence and I see them today and they say I didn't need to avoid them at all, even though I had no money for months and we could've done nothing fun together they say they would have just liked to spend time with me because they love me.
The guilt I feel knowing I am going to put them through a deeper hell than the one I am in has had me crying all night. I don't know what to do. I feel I have to die. I don't know how to make them stop caring. I don't want to break anyone's heart.
I just want to disappear and stop waking up in this fucking torture chamber of a life.
If that takes a bullet then it takes a bullet.

This song is about me