Venting A sorry existence. I just want it to end.

[AxsenInsomnia]

Sorry, I just have no one to really vent to...I feel terrible and alone right now. A couple months ago I was thrown into a house I really don't like, and the family here has such little empathy and true belief in my depression. I can barely walk outside alone without getting paralyzed with anxiety due to a number of horrible childhood+adolescent experiences. I just never feel safe. And they expect me to get a job soon. I've been lying and saying I've been going to interviews and applying to places to please them, but I can't keep it up forever.

I'm 22 and basically have nothing to show for it. I dropped out of school and got a GED but that's basically it. Never enough courage to drive, get a job, even community college got too much. Not a penny to my name, probably would be on every drug in the book if I had the money. My support and environment has always been shitty but I still feel like I deserved it all. That I could've been stronger and made my life better by now. I almost wish I was raped and beaten more so I had more of a reason besides just being a failure and disliking life. There's this expectation that comes with being a 22 year old man, but I still feel like a child and hopeless.

Really just want it to end, I've been done trying to live for years now. Every second I'm not playing games or youtube etc I'm thinking of myself getting killed, it somehow gives me peace. Every time I read of someone dying some horrific way I wish that I could trade my life for theirs somehow. Like why couldn't I have had cancer at 8 years old or been a victim of some kind of brutal random murder? In a way I envy them, but also I'm filled with so much fucking sorrow I'm wasting away in this body I didn't want while the people with real hope in life die. I just feel so alone and worthless. All the blades here are so dull I can't even properly hurt myself, I'm so pathetic haha.

Sorry again, that was long. I just have no one left I trust or want to talk to. I don't know how many days I have left but I hope it isn't too much longer. I really just want death, as much as an afterlife or lackthereof scares me, it has to be better than this. I just want to join all the other pained souls here and die.

 

[pole]

Sorry, I just have no one to really vent to...I feel terrible and alone right now. A couple months ago I was thrown into a house I really don't like, and the family here has such little empathy and true belief in my depression. I can barely walk outside alone without getting paralyzed with anxiety due to a number of horrible childhood+adolescent experiences. I just never feel safe. And they expect me to get a job soon. I've been lying and saying I've been going to interviews and applying to places to please them, but I can't keep it up forever.

I'm 22 and basically have nothing to show for it. I dropped out of school and got a GED but that's basically it. Never enough courage to drive, get a job, even community college got too much. Not a penny to my name, probably would be on every drug in the book if I had the money. My support and environment has always been shitty but I still feel like I deserved it all. That I could've been stronger and made my life better by now. I almost wish I was raped and beaten more so I had more of a reason besides just being a failure and disliking life. There's this expectation that comes with being a 22 year old man, but I still feel like a child and hopeless.

Really just want it to end, I've been done trying to live for years now. Every second I'm not playing games or youtube etc I'm thinking of myself getting killed, it somehow gives me peace. Every time I read of someone dying some horrific way I wish that I could trade my life for theirs somehow. Like why couldn't I have had cancer at 8 years old or been a victim of some kind of brutal random murder? In a way I envy them, but also I'm filled with so much fucking sorrow I'm wasting away in this body I didn't want while the people with real hope in life die. I just feel so alone and worthless. All the blades here are so dull I can't even properly hurt myself, I'm so pathetic haha.

Sorry again, that was long. I just have no one left I trust or want to talk to. I don't know how many days I have left but I hope it isn't too much longer. I really just want death, as much as an afterlife or lackthereof scares me, it has to be better than this. I just want to join all the other pained souls here and die.

sorry about what you've gone through and how you're feeling. In a sense, i feel and relate. im 19, iv had a single job where i was wrongfully fired. since then, and even before that really, my mental health has been bad. This year specifically its been worse and after my firing and school finishing, its been at its worst. yet my siblings, my parents, all expect and keep forcing me to go out there and get a job; which i mentally cant. Im not strong enough yet mentally. Im battling such extreme anxiety and stress right now but im gonna be forced to cause i literally have no money.

i feel as for you, i'd wanna start somewhere fresh. definitely a change in environment. being somewhere where you wanna be needed, wanna be loved, etc. having a VALID support system, people to be there in picking you up, genuinly caring and loving you. its tough, but i hope you find the options. but i have to say, an environment change is a must.

 

[AxsenInsomnia]

sorry about what you've gone through and how you're feeling. In a sense, i feel and relate. im 19, iv had a single job where i was wrongfully fired. since then, and even before that really, my mental health has been bad. This year specifically its been worse and after my firing and school finishing, its been at its worst. yet my siblings, my parents, all expect and keep forcing me to go out there and get a job; which i mentally cant. Im not strong enough yet mentally. Im battling such extreme anxiety and stress right now but im gonna be forced to cause i literally have no money.

i feel as for you, i'd wanna start somewhere fresh. definitely a change in environment. being somewhere where you wanna be needed, wanna be loved, etc. having a VALID support system, people to be there in picking you up, genuinly caring and loving you. its tough, but i hope you find the options. but i have to say, an environment change is a must.

Thanks for sharing your experience and trying to understand. I definitely admire your strength to pull through all that. But, I agree with you and I would love to have people that love and understand me to bounce off from. Unfortunately I have none of that and seeing as how I have little to offer besides maybe being a cleaner or friend, I don't think anyone's looking to take me in. It would definitely be an investment fit for a family member, which most of my family is abusive either physically or mentally. I'm pretty close to just taking it to the streets, if I die whether it's to starvation/illness or I'm killed, so be it.

I really wish I could have some kind of restart. But I feel so far gone you know. It feels so impossible with family yelling at me and saying I use my mental issues as a crutch. They just don't understand why you would want to die, and probably don't want to.

 

[Sweet emotion]

My heart breaks for the both if you. I had a wonderful childhood and a wonderful family. I couldn't have asked for a better one. At 20 years old I got sick with Complex Regional Pain Syndrome which is the highest ranking pain condition in medical history. I'm 34 now and have missed out on 14 years of my life. Wanting to die every minute if every day. I'm not living anymore. I'm existing. This has caused severe depression and anxiety. I don't like to leave the house anymore either. I get very nervous. Most likely being that the o my times I have left the house in the past 14 years has been to go to a hospital or doctors office. There are no treatments and no cures. And thanks to the drug addicts overosing in illegal opiates, people like me who have severe brutal pain are being lowered or even just taken off of our pain medication. This condition is actually known as the suicide disease. not many people can grasp the reality of this pain since they've never been through it. People have actually had their limbs amputated to try to get some relief. But who really wants to live without their arms and legs? Unfortunately I'm the 1% who has it in the inner ears, head,face, neck, and vaginal area. And anywhere else on my body it feels like pissing off. The two of you are so young and I'm not saying your depression isn't valid. But have you ever tried to get help before making the decision to end your life? Therapy can and does work. When I was 15-17 I dealt with really bad OCD and I wanted to die. But I found a great therapist and she helped me through it and I found real happiness again. I just beg you two to try and get some help before you make such a permanent decision. If it fails than I understand. If course I'm not saying this is what you have to do. Just a suggestion. Whatever you both decide I wish you two peace most of all.

 

[AxsenInsomnia]

My heart breaks for the both if you. I had a wonderful childhood and a wonderful family. I couldn't have asked for a better one. At 20 years old I got sick with Complex Regional Pain Syndrome which is the highest ranking pain condition in medical history. I'm 34 now and have missed out on 14 years of my life. Wanting to die every minute if every day. I'm not living anymore. I'm existing. This has caused severe depression and anxiety. I don't like to leave the house anymore either. I get very nervous. Most likely being that the o my times I have left the house in the past 14 years has been to go to a hospital or doctors office. There are no treatments and no cures. And thanks to the drug addicts overosing in illegal opiates, people like me who have severe brutal pain are being lowered or even just taken off of our pain medication. This condition is actually known as the suicide disease. not many people can grasp the reality of this pain since they've never been through it. People have actually had their limbs amputated to try to get some relief. But who really wants to live without their arms and legs? Unfortunately I'm the 1% who has it in the inner ears, head,face, neck, and vaginal area. And anywhere else on my body it feels like pissing off. The two of you are so young and I'm not saying your depression isn't valid. But have you ever tried to get help before making the decision to end your life? Therapy can and does work. When I was 15-17 I dealt with really bad OCD and I wanted to die. But I found a great therapist and she helped me through it and I found real happiness again. I just beg you two to try and get some help before you make such a permanent decision. If it fails than I understand. If course I'm not saying this is what you have to do. Just a suggestion. Whatever you both decide I wish you two peace most of all.

I've actually been in and out of hospitals and mental health places for all of my adult life, and honestly I wouldn't mind going back but I just don't have any money or any way to pay for it. No way my current providers would be okay with that either, so I think I'm really SOL for now. The internet is all I really have. It seems we both suffer on the opposite ends of the spectrum, your pain being physical with some mental and mine being mostly mental with some physical.

I'm so sorry about your condition, I really can't imagine that...I guess I can at least relate to feeling like you just got dealt a terrible hand in life though. Life is so unfair, it makes me so angry at whatever universal force put us through this. You seem so nice and you never deserved that at all.

Though I guess for me, I just feel so stuck and like there isn't any enjoyment for me left. I can't really function as an adult. Growing up was hell but at least I didn't have to worry about money, it was all about trying to stay alive while being herded through school. Now, trying to fight this death wish off while trying to get work and overcome my anxiety and traumas, hiding myself from my shitty family...its just too much for me to take.

 

[Sweet emotion]

I've actually been in and out of hospitals and mental health places for all of my adult life, and honestly I wouldn't mind going back but I just don't have any money or any way to pay for it. No way my current providers would be okay with that either, so I think I'm really SOL for now. The internet is all I really have. It seems we both suffer on the opposite ends of the spectrum, your pain being physical with some mental and mine being mostly mental with some physical.

I'm so sorry about your condition, I really can't imagine that...I guess I can at least relate to feeling like you just got dealt a terrible hand in life though. Life is so unfair, it makes me so angry at whatever universal force put us through this. You seem so nice and you never deserved that at all.

Though I guess for me, I just feel so stuck and like there isn't any enjoyment for me left. I can't really function as an adult. Growing up was hell but at least I didn't have to worry about money, it was all about trying to stay alive while being herded through school. Now, trying to fight this death wish off while trying to get work and overcome my anxiety and traumas, hiding myself from my shitty family...its just too much for me to take.

You seem like a very empathetic and sympathetic person as well. I know there is no happiness in my future. I can't remember the last time I was happy to wake up and start my day. I've been in isolation for 14 years and can't see anyone I'm in so much pain. The worst part is when your family doesn't believe you. Some do and some don't. They don't understand how serious what I have is. And when I've said to them before one day I'm eventually going to end it they just say yeah right. Or some get very uncomfortable and yell at me. One thing that kills me is never knowing what love feels like. I'll never understand what that feels like. It's weird but ever since I was little I had this feeling I was never going to understand love and my life was going to be short lived and very strange. Ever since I was in my early teens I felt this. Why does it have to be this hard to just live? To just get by? We aren't asking for mountains to be moved for us. We just want to be healthy and happy. I mean is that too much to ask for?

 

[AxsenInsomnia]

You seem like a very empathetic and sympathetic person as well. I know there is no happiness in my future. I can't remember the last time I was happy to wake up and start my day. I've been in isolation for 14 years and can't see anyone I'm in so much pain. The worst part is when your family doesn't believe you. Some do and some don't. They don't understand how serious what I have is. And when I've said to them before one day I'm eventually going to end it they just say yeah right. Or some get very uncomfortable and yell at me. One thing that kills me is never knowing what love feels like. I'll never understand what that feels like. It's weird but ever since I was little I had this feeling I was never going to understand love and my life was going to be short lived and very strange. Ever since I was in my early teens I felt this. Why does it have to be this hard to just live? To just get by? We aren't asking for mountains to be moved for us. We just want to be healthy and happy. I mean is that too much to ask for?

I guess I always go back to one of my favorite movie quotes, "Some people are just born with tragedy in their blood." I'm starting to think that's true. For this cold universe, unless you're lucky, happiness can have a steep price. It's all random and there's no higher being keeping tabs on your karma or good deeds...all you get is this shitty flesh bag that you never asked for lol.

I get that suffering needs to exist in order for there to be happiness...but I can never forgive life for giving people like us so much torture. I just feel so tired playing this game for some small sparks of joy. The things I like most in the world are the things that don't even exist haha, fictional places in movies or books that are way better than this world.

I feel your pain with pretty much everything you said. The only "love" I experienced was a few months worth of a hormonal high school relationship, which ended up with me getting cheated on and dumped. I do believe there's someone out there for everyone, but again it's luck. Your soulmate is probably happily taken or married. Even if love is just a chemical reaction, at least it takes your mind off the cruelties of life.