A sick, animalistic fear of death

[NameOfAction]

I found out SN is readily available to me.

Every time I think about it, ingesting literal poison that will thicken my blood to the consistency of mud, make my heart beat like I'm running, make my breathing shallows and difficult, will make me throw up or, if antiemetics taken, feel sick and heaving till I finally pass out, lips and fingernails blue, skin yellow.

It makes me whimper, fills me with dread and preemptive SI, my eyes widen and fill with tears. I can't bear it. Shakes me to the core just to think of it.

Still, filling out the order. I want to scream in sheer horror

Help?

 

[kenz]

You write beautifully

 

[pelicanportal]

Is this your chosen method? Maybe considering being open to some others. It is a scary thing, it is ok to have fear.

 

[NameOfAction]

Is this your chosen method? Maybe considering being open to some others. It is a scary thing, it is ok to have fear.

No, it's a more readily available option with less preparation involved.

I'd like to go out in a Gas Monkey inert gas setup. It's incredible, like a mix or fighter jet jump seat and a TARDIS. But quite difficult to source and set up everything, I'm impatient and inconstant, I can't imagine spending so much time building an exit machine.

I'm impulsive, so swallowing SN seems more likely fo me if I keep it around

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

No, it's a more readily available option with less preparation involved.

I'd like to go out in a Gas Monkey inert gas setup. It's incredible, like a mix or fighter jet jump seat and a TARDIS. But quite difficult to source and set up everything, I'm impatient and inconstant, I can't imagine spending so much time building an exit machine.

I'm impulsive, so swallowing SN seems more likely fo me if I keep it around

Is there nothing in between? Perhaps a basic setup that isn't quite as complex but still works? It might not be as hard to source the few necessary components as you think. Gas cylinder, three in one regulator/flowmeter/tubing, bag, tape, elastic, don't really need much more than that.

 

[Yogih212]

I found out SN is readily available to me.

Every time I think about it, ingesting literal poison that will thicken my blood to the consistency of mud, make my heart beat like I'm running, make my breathing shallows and difficult, will make me throw up or, if antiemetics taken, feel sick and heaving till I finally pass out, lips and fingernails blue, skin yellow.

It makes me whimper, fills me with dread and preemptive SI, my eyes widen and fill with tears. I can't bear it. Shakes me to the core just to think of it.

Still, filling out the order. I want to scream in sheer horror

Help?

I can resonate with you, I want SN as my way out too, I have no other choice, I personally think I am still in denial of how bad it can be but I am doing so bad already that if this suffering could end despite feeling like absolute hell for some time, if this could end, that would be a mercy.

 

[NameOfAction]

I can resonate with you, I want SN as my way out too, I have no other choice, I personally think I am still in denial of how bad it can be but I am doing so bad already that if this suffering could end despite feeling like absolute hell for some time, if this could end, that would be a mercy.

There are videos here. It's bad

 

[Yogih212]

There are videos here. It's bad

Yeah I saw 2 videos actually one of a chinese guy and another of a pretty skinny guy one here, I'd like to see more videos actually idk why

 

[NameOfAction]

Yeah I saw 2 videos actually one of a chinese guy and another of a pretty skinny guy one here, I'd like to see more videos actually idk why

I can't actually watch any of them. Scares the fuck out of me.
I'm not squeamish and have seen executions, shootings, bombings, war, beheadings etc. on the internet over the years.
Something about a struggling person like me just catching the damned bus makes me cry before the video starts and I click away

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm really scared too. But then, natural death doesn't always look peaceful or pretty either. And it can be far longer drawn out. I suppose I see it as (hopefully) saving me from that at least.

I've thought about wearing gloves- to avoid seeing my fingernails turn blue. I imagine that could be quite distressing. Although, at least I would know it was working. Being sick isn't great but then, when I had gallstones- I was literally forcing myself to be sick in the hopes it would make the agonising pain stop. I suppose I feel like- if I coped with gallstones, I can hopefully do this.

The rapid heart beat and laboured breathing distresses me because I imagine it will make me panic. I just hope I will pass out before it gets really bad. I'm so frightened though. Kind of a sickly fright. When you know it's something you pretty much have to do- or face worse consequences- of all the shitty things in life.

 

[Yogih212]

I'm really scared too. But then, natural death doesn't always look peaceful or pretty either. And it can be far longer drawn out. I suppose I see it as (hopefully) saving me from that at least.

I've thought about wearing gloves- to avoid seeing my fingernails turn blue. I imagine that could be quite distressing. Although, at least I would know it was working. Being sick isn't great but then, when I had gallstones- I was literally forcing myself to be sick in the hopes it would make the agonising pain stop. I suppose I feel like- if I coped with gallstones, I can hopefully do this.

The rapid heart beat and laboured breathing distresses me because I imagine it will make me panic. I just hope I will pass out before it gets really bad. I'm so frightened though. Kind of a sickly fright. When you know it's something you pretty much have to do- or face worse consequences- of all the shitty things in life.

Do you want SN to be your method? Do you have that planned

 

[Forever Sleep]

Do you want SN to be your method? Do you have that planned

Yes. It's one of the few methods I can at least envisage myself using.