whatevs
Mining for copium in the weirdest places.
- Jan 15, 2022
- 2,914
¯\_(ツ)_/¯ LONG POST ALERT. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I am going to list here the reasons why life has become basically unbearable to me and I might CTB in the future (but I would want not to).
1. Social anxiety/bodily stink. I have been plagued by this since I was a teenager. To really understand what it feels like to have this condition one needs to imagine the emotions that arise when your life is being threatened or you are awaiting the doctor to tell you whether your beloved relative will survive. A lowered version of such fear, but every time you are among other people (or you anticipate that you WILL be). It is torture and extremely crippling.
Illustration. I am trying college for the 4th time. We have an exam on "Emotional Intelligence". I have to sit down next to one of the least empathetic girls in the classroom. Because of my social anxiety, the predictable happens. I have been sweating profusely since second 0 of my entrance in the building, and by the 2 hour I will invariably start to stink. (I didn't know about using alcohol in my armpits then and just used regular deodorants o antiperspirants. Of course, I showered daily. And of course, the alcohol only gives you more time, you WILL start to stink all the same after 6 hours of social interaction).
I become acutely aware of the odour, and try to write my exam with my elbows firmly pressed to my body. My writing becomes scrambled and barely readable. She starts to show signs of frustration and then starts to murmur angrily about the lack of hygiene of some people in the class, and keeps increasing her tone. I am about to lose my mind. I will stand up, yell like a maniac (possibly while sobbing), leave the classroom and never come back. Then, an angel appears. He is sitting in front of us and turns. My savior is the most suave and good looking guy in the class. He looks at me, the squirming, miserable, pestilent worm, with sadness and empathy, and starts talking to her, managing to calm her down until the exam is over.
I was evaluated with a 10/10 in that exam. The irony. Emotional intelligence isn't intellectual and cannot be memorized.
2. Unrefreshing sleep. As a result of being chronically smelly, which made life impossible, I investigated a solution. I found an antiperspirant online that was 20% aluminum salts. Odaban. The first day I used it I experienced something magical. My armpits became completely and absolutely blocked. They hurt quite a bit, but I discovered I was unable to sweat from there as long I kept using it. The marvels of Science. Thanks to this discovery I had my first (light) sexual experiences with women and had my first and only girlfriend. I could hug people, hang around them, I could have a life. However...
To this day I still think this is possible. I became poisoned with aluminum. Exactly at this months-long period of Odaban usage I started having sleep problems and dermatitis on my face. Soon my friends started commenting that I was looking haggard (which shows that I wasn't before). Over time the unrefreshing sleep started devouring more and more areas of my life. I had to let go of my friends. I was hungover anyway every day, so the drinking and partying had started to make me literally sick.
Now I still live with my parents and have very little energy or motivation to do anything. I know how every day will be, why struggle for anything? I won't be able to enjoy it. Exhausted, apathetic, mentally slow, haggard, nauseous, slow digestion, feeling stuffed. It's been 10 years now since the onset of my disease. Doctors never found the cause and for them the aluminum poisoning talk is absurd.
3. If the above wasn't enough, there are 2 more reasons, and they aren't minor either. Along with the unrefreshing sleep and heightened dermatitis (including generous amounts of dandruff), I also developed a rare disease called Cholinergic Urticaria. Depending of the severity I will get hives/horrible itching from sunbathing, getting yelled at, exercising, or simply watching a boxing match or pornography online. So this is a disease that is triggered by changes in bodily heat, or the onset of sweating. This illness severely restricts what you can do, it's an invisible cage. This also adds to my apathy, since I know that the possibility of being tormented by hives looms threatening every time I ride a bike, go for a walk or have to confront someone.
4. And last one. To add insult to injury, I managed to screw myself even further around the exact same time I started using the antiperspirant which I believe started my chronic illness. Due to an injury in my pelvic muscles, I became unable to feel anything upon ejaculation. 10 years since having an orgasm. I no longer remember the feeling, just a faint recollection of a very strong pleasant sensation. This last issue is something I can live with, but when thrown in the mix with the rest of reasons makes for a mighty package of misfortune.
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