A reflection about human nature in a Godless world.

[Abort!]

I hate so much about myself. I hate my body. I hate my mind. I hate how idiotic I can be. I hate how sensitive I am. I hate how convoluted and hypocritical I can be. I hate how selfish I am at times. I hate how it feels like I'll never be anything but a failure in the materialistic world. I hate how it feels like I'll never know what it's like to be seen as an equal to my peers. I hate how I feel like I'll always be beneath people in my current configuration.

I hate feeling like I never had any place here, and like I never will. I hate what we do to each other, how we treat eachother. I hate how transactional and self-centered we tend to be. I hate how unempathetic and simplistic we are. I'm especially disgusted with how we value all the wrong things while putting arbitrary traits that don't matter on pedestals. I can't stand how most of us seem to care only about material and surface-level bullshit at the end of the day.

I hate how I'm guilty of many of these things myself. I despise the defaults of human nature, and I loathe the defaults in my own nature. Are we just "spiritually bankrupt" as a society? Am I "spiritually bankrupt?" I can't even pretend to be a cut above anyone else at the end of the day.

The implications make me question many things about myself and human nature. Do many of us simply need belief in some higher purpose to offset the percieved wickedness of our nature? For all of it's problems and loopholes, religion at least tried to do that much for me. Now I'm just raw dogging it, and I don't know how I can possibly cope with the brutality of it all.

Religion, for all of its problems and errancies, seems like the only plausible counterbalance to this level of awareness that I can currently ascertain. I envy those who are able to have faith, right or wrong as their belief may be.

I'm just as trapped in the prison cell of the material world as anyone else. Despite my best efforts, I don't think I can get free of it. I don't feel built for that. I feel like I was given a rusty spoon while everyone else got proper shovels and spades. Then I'm told it's all my fault for not digging fast enough.

I feel like someone living inside an invisible electric fence: step out of bounds and pain follows. Of course, it's often blamed on me for how my nervous system was wired too. So I've hidden away in the corner for most of my life like some cornered animal...

All I know is that if a God exists, I don't want worship or excuses. I want unadulterated accountability from it. I want it to face the pain it permits, the way it has forced conscious creatures to. No conscious being deserves to be born into a world as disgusting and indifferent as this one is.

 

[badatparties]

Human nature is wicked for sure. Yes, we are capable of great benevolence, but that in no way excuses or cancels out the evil. I hate being trapped in a meat suit near other genocidal maniac chimps. I hate myself for being one too.

 

[ölmezdim]

I feel the same way as you. It's true that the world is definitely not fair, and life doesn't treat everyone equally. I lived my whole life without faith, then I found Jesus and truly loved him. I served in the church for about two and a half years. It was the most precious time of my life, but in the end, I realized I didn't belong there either. After a while, I realized that everything was actually the same, my life was the same. When you stop living and ignore your own life and desires, the world actually becomes beautiful. But like you said, every time I try to get out of the cage, bam! For a long time, I struggled to cope with mental health issues; I couldn't confide in anyone because I carried big secrets, and frankly, no one would have accepted me because of my sexual identity. I finally realized how lonely I was, and involuntarily I resented God. Started asking God, "Are you there?" Then... All the prayers was like talking to a wall. I went back to atheism. The only good thing that I like about religion is just Jesus and his love but I am afraid it's not real.
I mean, if you are lucky you can be grateful, you can save your faith but if you are not lucky you just keep praying. Pray, pray, pray and then you see nothing.
Painful truths.