1001YellowDaffodils
the end is nigh
- Dec 19, 2021
- 32
I'm literally just so bad I couldn't even get better if I wanted to. Had a dentist appointment yesterday that I've been dreading for months. I was able to shower the night before which is always very difficult, but getting ready in the morning was even worse. I was hearing whispering coming from everywhere, put on some old frumpy clothes because that's all I have and I always look bad, I gained enough weight that now I don't need a belt with my jeans I've always needed one with, had to take the sheet covering my mirror off to brush my hair -- coming out in clumps, terrified of the monster I see in the mirror because I don't recognize it as myself or even human. More sounds, things of significance falling down making me think something did it on purpose. Can't stand to look in the mirror any longer to put on makeup so whatever. Get everything I need and go to the dentist office.
As soon as I walk up to the counter I just feel like the receptionist is looking at me weird, not weird, but like I'm a little kid doing something amusing. Look at me I'm a big person going to an appointment all by myself. I don't know, I just couldn't stop thinking what was I doing wrong. Why does it look like you're holding back a smile. Do I really look that bad? She asks if I have insurance and I say no, and she asks if I didn't switch insurances and for some reason I said "No, I don't think so?" when I know I don't have insurance, I don't know why I said that, it just made me look even more like I didn't know what I was doing. I said I was going to pay out of pocket. I took a seat and couldn't stop feeling like everyone else in the waiting room was staring at me but I never even looked up. I was so anxious and sick. Then I started thinking I had too many things in my jacket pockets and everyone noticed. I had my car keys and Invisalign case in one and my phone and a very tiny dog stuffed animal I brought because I thought it would help with anxiety (it didn't). Then the receptionist walks out and comes over to me. She whispers that the cleaning is going to be $325, a lot more than I was expecting. I ask if that's including fluoride and the oral cancer screening (it isn't), then she says I'm scheduled for x-rays and I ask if I could skip that. She checks over her like headset radio thing that they use for the front desk and dental people to talk to each other in the waiting room (being very nice and quiet about it but still embarrassing because there's like six other people in the waiting room hearing how I don't have insurance and I stupidly assumed the cleaning would be like $150 which I was okay with, and it's not like I don't have $325 I just have other bills and debts to pay before I die but they don't know that, so I just look like a stupid naïve kid who doesn't know the value of things). She says I can skip the x-ray and that will make it $175, okay that's fine. Now my face is burning and I still feel sick to my stomach and my eyes are watering and I don't know why and I'm trying not to cry at the fucking dentist and then I get called back.
The hygienist told me I could hang my jacket on the hook, but I didn't want to because of all the stuff in my pockets that I wanted to keep on me, so I just awkwardly looked at the hook and then sat down with my jacket still on. Then she started whispering to me that I could also have the dentist not look at my teeth after the cleaning and that would make the price even cheaper and I'm just like okay sure because what am I going to say "Oh no it's cheap enough now we don't need to make it cheaper." ??? Honestly I'd rather get the fluoride and skip the dentist looking at my teeth, but figured this was a dentist office and not Burger King so maybe I should just stop changing things. She starts the cleaning and the whole time it's "Turn towards me." "Turn back towards me." "Put your head back on the headrest." "Turn towards me." I've always been told I was the perfect dental patient. My mom used to work for a dentist and I was told I was better than a lot of grown men, but now like the last three or four times I've been to the dentist I'm always told I keep moving away from them without even realizing it, and I'm flinching when they do things, and I start feeling so anxious that my eyes start tearing up again and I get embarrassed which makes me want to cry even more, and the whole time I'm trying to figure out why because this never used to happen. There's also so much noise. I'm hearing them talk over their radios, loud music is playing in another room, the tv in my room is playing some Disney nature show of a hyena graphically eating a wildebeest thing and zookeepers trying to get other animals to mate lmao, then I start hearing my own things coming from the corners of the room, and it's just too much.
After the cleaning I choose not to have the dentist look at my teeth and the hygienist says it's $109 now, cool, but wait there's a credit on my account so now I don't have to pay anything and the anxiety was for nothing, but I still feel anxious. Then I had to sit there with this anxiety and whispering for like over 20 minutes, was told I was going to be moved to another room, but then no stay there, before I could get my new Invisalign trays (I was looking at the whole time) because the dentist had to see if they fit correctly and to ask me if everything was going fine which took literally one minute. I'm not complaining about waiting, I just didn't feel good and wanted to leave. Then they ran out of toothbrushes which I was really looking forward to because I'm not one of those people who goes and buys a toothbrush every three months, I just wait to get the bag at my cleaning. I could go buy one but the trip to the store would result in another one of these posts.
I absentmindedly scheduled my next appointments because I know I'm going to be dead before then. I can't even go to the dentist without being on the verge of tears (for no reason they are all so nice) there's really no hope for me. I look like a disgusting monster, the straight teeth don't even matter, I am so hideous I scare myself. I can't function in society. Thinking about everything I don't understand and my health insurance is going to end if I turn 26 and then I'll have no idea what to do. I'm not even sad that I'm killing myself, I hate myself, I'm only sad for the life that could have been. Sad that I'm never going to meet my good friend in person, but knowing if I did I would probably just fuck it up and embarrass myself anyway. I don't want to leave my friends I just can't exist like this. I can't make anything easy.
As soon as I walk up to the counter I just feel like the receptionist is looking at me weird, not weird, but like I'm a little kid doing something amusing. Look at me I'm a big person going to an appointment all by myself. I don't know, I just couldn't stop thinking what was I doing wrong. Why does it look like you're holding back a smile. Do I really look that bad? She asks if I have insurance and I say no, and she asks if I didn't switch insurances and for some reason I said "No, I don't think so?" when I know I don't have insurance, I don't know why I said that, it just made me look even more like I didn't know what I was doing. I said I was going to pay out of pocket. I took a seat and couldn't stop feeling like everyone else in the waiting room was staring at me but I never even looked up. I was so anxious and sick. Then I started thinking I had too many things in my jacket pockets and everyone noticed. I had my car keys and Invisalign case in one and my phone and a very tiny dog stuffed animal I brought because I thought it would help with anxiety (it didn't). Then the receptionist walks out and comes over to me. She whispers that the cleaning is going to be $325, a lot more than I was expecting. I ask if that's including fluoride and the oral cancer screening (it isn't), then she says I'm scheduled for x-rays and I ask if I could skip that. She checks over her like headset radio thing that they use for the front desk and dental people to talk to each other in the waiting room (being very nice and quiet about it but still embarrassing because there's like six other people in the waiting room hearing how I don't have insurance and I stupidly assumed the cleaning would be like $150 which I was okay with, and it's not like I don't have $325 I just have other bills and debts to pay before I die but they don't know that, so I just look like a stupid naïve kid who doesn't know the value of things). She says I can skip the x-ray and that will make it $175, okay that's fine. Now my face is burning and I still feel sick to my stomach and my eyes are watering and I don't know why and I'm trying not to cry at the fucking dentist and then I get called back.
The hygienist told me I could hang my jacket on the hook, but I didn't want to because of all the stuff in my pockets that I wanted to keep on me, so I just awkwardly looked at the hook and then sat down with my jacket still on. Then she started whispering to me that I could also have the dentist not look at my teeth after the cleaning and that would make the price even cheaper and I'm just like okay sure because what am I going to say "Oh no it's cheap enough now we don't need to make it cheaper." ??? Honestly I'd rather get the fluoride and skip the dentist looking at my teeth, but figured this was a dentist office and not Burger King so maybe I should just stop changing things. She starts the cleaning and the whole time it's "Turn towards me." "Turn back towards me." "Put your head back on the headrest." "Turn towards me." I've always been told I was the perfect dental patient. My mom used to work for a dentist and I was told I was better than a lot of grown men, but now like the last three or four times I've been to the dentist I'm always told I keep moving away from them without even realizing it, and I'm flinching when they do things, and I start feeling so anxious that my eyes start tearing up again and I get embarrassed which makes me want to cry even more, and the whole time I'm trying to figure out why because this never used to happen. There's also so much noise. I'm hearing them talk over their radios, loud music is playing in another room, the tv in my room is playing some Disney nature show of a hyena graphically eating a wildebeest thing and zookeepers trying to get other animals to mate lmao, then I start hearing my own things coming from the corners of the room, and it's just too much.
After the cleaning I choose not to have the dentist look at my teeth and the hygienist says it's $109 now, cool, but wait there's a credit on my account so now I don't have to pay anything and the anxiety was for nothing, but I still feel anxious. Then I had to sit there with this anxiety and whispering for like over 20 minutes, was told I was going to be moved to another room, but then no stay there, before I could get my new Invisalign trays (I was looking at the whole time) because the dentist had to see if they fit correctly and to ask me if everything was going fine which took literally one minute. I'm not complaining about waiting, I just didn't feel good and wanted to leave. Then they ran out of toothbrushes which I was really looking forward to because I'm not one of those people who goes and buys a toothbrush every three months, I just wait to get the bag at my cleaning. I could go buy one but the trip to the store would result in another one of these posts.
I absentmindedly scheduled my next appointments because I know I'm going to be dead before then. I can't even go to the dentist without being on the verge of tears (for no reason they are all so nice) there's really no hope for me. I look like a disgusting monster, the straight teeth don't even matter, I am so hideous I scare myself. I can't function in society. Thinking about everything I don't understand and my health insurance is going to end if I turn 26 and then I'll have no idea what to do. I'm not even sad that I'm killing myself, I hate myself, I'm only sad for the life that could have been. Sad that I'm never going to meet my good friend in person, but knowing if I did I would probably just fuck it up and embarrass myself anyway. I don't want to leave my friends I just can't exist like this. I can't make anything easy.
