Birthinjune
Member
- Jan 31, 2021
- 37
I'm just typing some feelings and putting them out into the ether. I'm not looking for advice or anything. Just if anyone experienced something similar know that I am here, for now.
I lost my spouse to suicide early this year. I'm in my early 30s. He was my soulmate. His note was to me. He said he would miss me. We got into a fight over him using drugs, if I stayed to watch over him he would still be here.
I've been trying to reflect on the concept of "healing." I feel like when you experience such a monumental loss you never heal. Life moving forward is an acceptance that every day is also to sit in unbearable pain. The torment of regret. Love and loss so intense I can feel my heart breaking over and over.
To move forward is to be in a life that I do not want. I'll never have children or a family or a home. I will always be alone. I can't imagine ever being intimate with another person. I know what I've experienced is unimaginable to any of my friends. I've already drifted away. I stopped returning messages and eventually their check ins stopped too. I'm unable to relate to any of their problems. Any of their mundane shit that feels important. I don't care about anything and it is so isolating.
No one I know could possibly hurt from my death the way I am hurting now. If not surrounded by friends or distractions I stop eating, I sleep as much as possible. I stare at the wall for days. I scan this website and I plan. I draft suicide notes. I fantasize where I'll do it. I wonder if I'll reach out to my family first to say that I'm sorry. I plan impulsive crazy excursions. I wonder if I should spend all my money on a bender or leave it to my family. Would it help? Would it make them hurt less..
Every dream I have is a nightmare, I'm always searching and never find him. Every time I become lucid I kill myself in my dream. There's no way I can work or sustain myself after unemployment runs out. I have panic attacks just leaving the house. I need to find a new place to live when the post-covid evictions start, but how can I do that if I can barely walk up the stairs to use the bathroom. I should spend a lot of money with no income to sit alone in an apartment, why..
I used to be excited about life. I've always had cPTSD and other mental health issues but I managed. I felt all the possibilities and magic in life. I was excited to learn about everything, but I can't even focus on reading anymore. My entire life I've experienced some fucked up traumatic shit, but I felt those things gave me strength and character. They made me wiser, more patient, more understanding and more thankful for what I did have. The existential dread was something I embraced. Life is meaningless so create meaning.. But this is something completely different. I've always felt resilient and strong but I know I cannot recover from this. Now pain and dillusionment and dissociation is part of my person. To continue to exist is to accept that.
Sometimes I feel some strength to turn this pain into art. To make stronger connections with the people that do love me. To persevere in his memory, to make sure he celebrated and never forgotten. To try as hard as I can to fulfil my potential.
My sibling told me I was not a side kick to someone else's life. I feel that she doesn't know what it's like to be tethered to someone else's soul.
It all feels so pointless. Like I'm living on borrowed time. 90% of most days is pain and daydreaming about dying. Death sits close. I will die and everyone I know and love will too. I thought the purpose of existing was to love one another. No one will ever love me as much, nor I to them. All I feel that is left of me is a burden for anyone to deal with.
I feel like I ruined my life and killed my favorite person. He told me if he died it would be my fault. He had BD and it was mostly said in arguments, but how can I live with myself? There's a thousand things I would do differently and it's too late. Living feels like hell.
There's people on SS with chronic health issues and more fucked up trauma. I feel for everyone. I can't imagine being in constant physical pain. I am lucky, I'm healthy. But when your brain is screaming at you to stop the pain what do you do..
That's crazy if anyone has read all of this. I hope everyone is okay today as much as you can be ❤
I lost my spouse to suicide early this year. I'm in my early 30s. He was my soulmate. His note was to me. He said he would miss me. We got into a fight over him using drugs, if I stayed to watch over him he would still be here.
I've been trying to reflect on the concept of "healing." I feel like when you experience such a monumental loss you never heal. Life moving forward is an acceptance that every day is also to sit in unbearable pain. The torment of regret. Love and loss so intense I can feel my heart breaking over and over.
To move forward is to be in a life that I do not want. I'll never have children or a family or a home. I will always be alone. I can't imagine ever being intimate with another person. I know what I've experienced is unimaginable to any of my friends. I've already drifted away. I stopped returning messages and eventually their check ins stopped too. I'm unable to relate to any of their problems. Any of their mundane shit that feels important. I don't care about anything and it is so isolating.
No one I know could possibly hurt from my death the way I am hurting now. If not surrounded by friends or distractions I stop eating, I sleep as much as possible. I stare at the wall for days. I scan this website and I plan. I draft suicide notes. I fantasize where I'll do it. I wonder if I'll reach out to my family first to say that I'm sorry. I plan impulsive crazy excursions. I wonder if I should spend all my money on a bender or leave it to my family. Would it help? Would it make them hurt less..
Every dream I have is a nightmare, I'm always searching and never find him. Every time I become lucid I kill myself in my dream. There's no way I can work or sustain myself after unemployment runs out. I have panic attacks just leaving the house. I need to find a new place to live when the post-covid evictions start, but how can I do that if I can barely walk up the stairs to use the bathroom. I should spend a lot of money with no income to sit alone in an apartment, why..
I used to be excited about life. I've always had cPTSD and other mental health issues but I managed. I felt all the possibilities and magic in life. I was excited to learn about everything, but I can't even focus on reading anymore. My entire life I've experienced some fucked up traumatic shit, but I felt those things gave me strength and character. They made me wiser, more patient, more understanding and more thankful for what I did have. The existential dread was something I embraced. Life is meaningless so create meaning.. But this is something completely different. I've always felt resilient and strong but I know I cannot recover from this. Now pain and dillusionment and dissociation is part of my person. To continue to exist is to accept that.
Sometimes I feel some strength to turn this pain into art. To make stronger connections with the people that do love me. To persevere in his memory, to make sure he celebrated and never forgotten. To try as hard as I can to fulfil my potential.
My sibling told me I was not a side kick to someone else's life. I feel that she doesn't know what it's like to be tethered to someone else's soul.
It all feels so pointless. Like I'm living on borrowed time. 90% of most days is pain and daydreaming about dying. Death sits close. I will die and everyone I know and love will too. I thought the purpose of existing was to love one another. No one will ever love me as much, nor I to them. All I feel that is left of me is a burden for anyone to deal with.
I feel like I ruined my life and killed my favorite person. He told me if he died it would be my fault. He had BD and it was mostly said in arguments, but how can I live with myself? There's a thousand things I would do differently and it's too late. Living feels like hell.
There's people on SS with chronic health issues and more fucked up trauma. I feel for everyone. I can't imagine being in constant physical pain. I am lucky, I'm healthy. But when your brain is screaming at you to stop the pain what do you do..
That's crazy if anyone has read all of this. I hope everyone is okay today as much as you can be ❤
