A question to those of you in relationships.

[Apollo D. Ryker]

So you're in a relationship, you love your partner, and your partner loves you. Outside of the typical things that all couple struggle with, whatever those things may be for you.

Why are you still feeling so desperately devastated and broken apart. that you want to kill yourself?

 

[DrownedOctopus]

Well my husband and I both are suicidal. I have 2 failed attempts, he has one.
We discuss it a lot, and both of us have been this way longer than we can remember.
You can have everything you want in life, be living the happiest life imaginable, and still want to kill yourself.
Sometimes there isn't a "reason" for it, you're just born to be fucked in the head like this.

 

[Dead_Inside]

I think the problem is that "being in a relationship" was not really a major life goal of mine. It happened and that was nice. But it doesn't fix anything that was already bad for me and it doesn't fix me.

 

[noonetoo]

Not necessarily can we expect our "happiness" to rely on someone else. I was longing to die before he came into my life. And he's contributed a bit to it. It gives me hope that we're still together, 7 years but it hurts waiting for him to propose.

 

[Nitromask]

I'm married, and honestly I shouldn't be

 

[Apollo D. Ryker]

Not necessarily can we expect our "happiness" to rely on someone else. I was longing to die before he came into my life. And he's contributed a bit to it. It gives me hope that we're still together, 7 years but it hurts waiting for him to propose.

Maybe it is hurting him waiting for you to propose...

It struck me some time ago that maybe it isn't fair to put the weight and onus of happiness onto another person's shoulders. It still doesn't stop you from wanting to try to be happy with someone though. If the right distraction comes along that is.

Well my husband and I both are suicidal. I have 2 failed attempts, he has one.
We discuss it a lot, and both of us have been this way longer than we can remember.
You can have everything you want in life, be living the happiest life imaginable, and still want to kill yourself.
Sometimes there isn't a "reason" for it, you're just born to be fucked in the head like this.

I'm envious of you for being able to share that with your husband, and him with you. Good for you both.

 

[elizabeth.luck]

Oh, this is the perfect one for me to answer because it's one of my reasons to CTB. I'm in a "relationship" with a man but he and I both know I'm gay. He's been a great friend to me. No one else knows it's not real. I came out to my mom when I was in college but she wasn't happy about it so this is what I have to do until I die.

 

[Taylor]

I've avoided the entire female human species for like the past four years because of my internal problems. 1. I feel inferior as a human being because of what I've been through and how it changed me, so if I feel that way about myself, I'm certainly not confident enough to handle a relationship or trust a mentally healthy significant other 2. I don't want to potentially ruin their lives as well, enlightening them that it's even possible for a human to experience the things I have, in my mind.

Oh, this is the perfect one for me to answer because it's one of my reasons to CTB. I'm in a "relationship" with a man but he and I both know I'm gay. He's been a great friend to me. No one else knows it's not real. I came out to my mom when I was in college but she wasn't happy about it so this is what I have to do until I die.

Fuck that, life is so short, and the enjoyable portion of it is even shorter. Do what makes you happy. If that means being attracted to the same gender, who cares. Your mother should have no say in that.

 

[suffering]

I've head various brief attempts at relationships and I hate it when I am in one. It's like I have to put up a show all the time. All human interactions require some sort of faking and I think romantic relationships require it the most. It disgusts me, it annoys me and it bores me. I want to remain the true, authentic, grumpy, lonely, misanthropic piece of shit that I am. Anything else exhausts me.

 

[LivingToLong]

I want to remain the true, authentic, grumpy, lonely, misanthropic piece of shit that I am.

That actually made me chuckle, because I can relate to it 100%

"To thine own self be true"

 

[seekingoblivion]

Well my husband and I both are suicidal. I have 2 failed attempts, he has one.
We discuss it a lot, and both of us have been this way longer than we can remember.
You can have everything you want in life, be living the happiest life imaginable, and still want to kill yourself.
Sometimes there isn't a "reason" for it, you're just born to be fucked in the head like this.

That sounds almost poetic. Does he come here too?

I've head various brief attempts at relationships and I hate it when I am in one. It's like I have to put up a show all the time. All human interactions require some sort of faking and I think romantic relationships require it the most. It disgusts me, it annoys me and it bores me. I want to remain the true, authentic, grumpy, lonely, misanthropic piece of shit that I am. Anything else exhausts me.

If I'm to be completely honest I think this is why I've never been in a relationship. As you say socializing generally requires some degree of pretence and that gets me exhausted and resentful. I end up being angry at the people I'm socializing with (then I get angry with myself cause I know it's unreasonable to be angry at them and so the self hatred perpetuates). With romantic relationships it seems you have to put on a show for a lot longer under greater scrutiny. Attempting a one night stand is exhausting enough what more trying at a relationship. Man acting normal is a hell of a chore for me. And I'm not exactly a looker so my personality really has to be top notch which is incredibly annoying. It don't take long before I wear out and people start to fade away cause they realize I'm not as awesome as initially thought.

 

[LivingToLong]

I end up being angry at the people I'm socializing with (then I get angry with myself cause I know it's unreasonable to be angry at them and so the self hatred perpetuates).

Yes, I go through that loop myself. No win. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

 

[seekingoblivion]

Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

There ain't never been a more hopeless statement that rang so true.

 

[DrownedOctopus]

That sounds almost poetic. Does he come here too?

Yes, we visit the site a lot together, amongst others. A lot of the threads are brought up in daily conversation.

I'm envious of you for being able to share that with your husband, and him with you. Good for you both.

Thank you, I do realize what we have is a rare thing. It's not something even most people on this site have, let alone with someone you're supposed to plan to be with until you're old and dying.
It's relieving to know he understands and accepts how I am, but it's bittersweet. I want what's best for him and to live his life in happiness, with or without me, but I know his understanding comes from experience. It's an odd feeling wanting to protect someone you love from something you want yourself so very badly.
I know he feels the same when it comes to me, and sometimes the conversation gets very heated because of this.
Still, I'm fortunate to have him and to not have to hide this from him.

 

[Dead beat dad]

So you're in a relationship, you love your partner, and your partner loves you. Outside of the typical things that all couple struggle with, whatever those things may be for you.

Why are you still feeling so desperately devastated and broken apart. that you want to kill yourself?

I've been wanting to kill myself before romantic liaisons and relationships were a thing, it is the background feature of life.
Some times relationship will alleviate the symptoms of this condition and sometimes will aggravate it.
It would be arrogant to assume my partner's happiness and stability is dependent on me in any way.
DBD

 

[seekingoblivion]

Yes, we visit the site a lot together, amongst others. A lot of the threads are brought up in daily conversation.

Thank you, I do realize what we have is a rare thing. It's not something even most people on this site have, let alone with someone you're supposed to plan to be with until you're old and dying.
It's relieving to know he understands and accepts how I am, but it's bittersweet. I want what's best for him and to live his life in happiness, with or without me, but I know his understanding comes from experience. It's an odd feeling wanting to protect someone you love from something you want yourself so very badly.
I know he feels the same when it comes to me, and sometimes the conversation gets very heated because of this.
Still, I'm fortunate to have him and to not have to hide this from him.

Man I'm so sorry you both feel the way you do. What you have is so incredibly rare it's kind of heartbreaking to hear that you both wanna go. But alas, life can be quite messy. I wish both of you peace however it is you achieve it.

 

[DrownedOctopus]

Man I'm so sorry you both feel the way you do. What you have is so incredibly rare it's kind of heartbreaking to hear that you both wanna go. But alas, life can be quite messy. I wish both of you peace however it is you achieve it.

Thank you very much. I hope the same for you

 

[sunny cat]

my boyfriend knows i'm suicidal, and we've talked about it a good deal. it makes me sad because he's so accepting and honest... he knows that i'll probably never not want to kill myself, and he's told me again and again that he just wants to stay with me as long as i'm here. it's comforting and sad at the same time... being with him is one of the few good things in my life right now but it feels terrible knowing that i'll end up hurting him someday.

It's relieving to know he understands and accepts how I am, but it's bittersweet. I want what's best for him and to live his life in happiness, with or without me, but I know his understanding comes from experience. It's an odd feeling wanting to protect someone you love from something you want yourself so very badly.
I know he feels the same when it comes to me, and sometimes the conversation gets very heated because of this.
Still, I'm fortunate to have him and to not have to hide this from him.

i understand this 10000%. my boyfriend also deals with depression and anxiety and it's just... very conflicting when you have someone who understands you like that. i feel selfish because i've asked him to promise not to kill himself because of me if i do... but i just. don't want to hurt him

 

[CC123]

I am a newbie here.
It is wonderful to see so many kind, caring, loving and thoughtful people posting here.

 

[DrownedOctopus]

my boyfriend knows i'm suicidal, and we've talked about it a good deal. it makes me sad because he's so accepting and honest... he knows that i'll probably never not want to kill myself, and he's told me again and again that he just wants to stay with me as long as i'm here. it's comforting and sad at the same time... being with him is one of the few good things in my life right now but it feels terrible knowing that i'll end up hurting him someday.


i understand this 10000%. my boyfriend also deals with depression and anxiety and it's just... very conflicting when you have someone who understands you like that. i feel selfish because i've asked him to promise not to kill himself because of me if i do... but i just. don't want to hurt him

Yes, I understand completely. There's a guilt knowing you're going to hurt them one day and also being hypocritical in wishing they don't choose to do it themselves.
It's very conflicting when someone is so understanding and patient with this part of yourself, especially if they're the same way. You know why they're understanding and patient, and in my situation it's hard sometimes knowing he feels it too. I value his life, he's very important to me, I love him more than everything, and I wish he could see himself the way I do.
Ultimately, we've both accepted it's our own choice and wouldn't be angry over it, but sometimes I wish there was a way I could change his mind. Not because I want to take the choice from him but because I want it to not be something he has to deal with.

 

[Strumgewehr]

I am a newbie here.
It is wonderful to see so many kind, caring, loving and thoughtful people posting here.

Welcome home.

 

[Idorus]

I've head various brief attempts at relationships and I hate it when I am in one. It's like I have to put up a show all the time. All human interactions require some sort of faking and I think romantic relationships require it the most. It disgusts me, it annoys me and it bores me. I want to remain the true, authentic, grumpy, lonely, misanthropic piece of shit that I am. Anything else exhausts me.

Me too. I've already deep problems with my neighbours below complaining about me making too much noise at night. It's a curse to think about every little move you make in the dark hours. I even lost the guts to spontaneously pee... I'm thinking about an anonymous tip to authority cause they "almost live together" and that is not allowed if getting money from the state.

 

[xXSarac3nSlay3rXx]

I kind of wish I could experience a relationship in the first place. However, a relationship might not even make my mindset any better. I'm only nineteen, so I know I have a lot of my life ahead of me. I just don't want to still be single in my 30s or something, so I should probably just end it now. I'm such an ugly motherfucker that I can't really see myself in a relationship. Furthermore, I blew the only chance I ever had for a relationship by saying something stupid while manic. In summary, fuck me.

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

So you're in a relationship, you love your partner, and your partner loves you. Outside of the typical things that all couple struggle with, whatever those things may be for you.

Why are you still feeling so desperately devastated and broken apart. that you want to kill yourself?

I have to confess that I have to work to suppress my resentment that some other people get to experience love and affection. I get that suicidality is immensely personal, but I'm still jealous that some people get to experience companionship. Even the "little" but still very valuable aspects of companionship. For example, my university in the past couple of months put out our training program announcements in my lab. We're short on cash so we had to keep our training stipend the same (third year in a row). This means most grads would be working for peanuts in one of the most expensive US cities. I had to interview an applicant. As I have with all the applicants, I asked her if she'd read the training grant figure. She replied that she didn't really need the money because her husband is finishing his residency in surgery in 2020. So she can do what fulfills her despite the poor pay largely because she has a partner whom she can share costs of living with. But that also can translate into less stress for her, making the rigors of a post-doc much more tolerable. When I was in her shoes years ago, I lived in a stinking basement closet with ONE tiny sink, bugs, rodents, and no hot water in the winter. In Boston!!

And what about when people need help? They go to the dentist or doctor for a procedure, the staff always asks who's going to take you home. Who your emergency contact is... Yeah, I'm envious of people who have loving partners. Sorry for the rant.

 

[Idorus]

Yeah, I'm envious of people who have loving partners. Sorry for the rant.

No rant at all. If I'm honest I have the same but more a bite like seeing someone now and then and be there for each other as well. But most guys want to live together and have sex whenever they wish. FUK! There was only one guy in my life who could be next to me without having that insatiable hunger ... such a relief! We slept next to each other without that thing (although we could intensely kiss) ... I also felt totally relaxed with him. He also loved being with me.. so it wasn't one-sidedness at all. Even these days (10 years later) he makes it clear he misses me while he's in a relationship for many many years (he couldn't show up with someone 15 yrs his senior back then). But the fact he does doesn't bring me comfort. I do not want to be a third wheel or lack any true reality. Dreaming is over. But well it wasn't about sex and that's what I love and it's such a rarity. I could express my hunger for deep intimacy (kiss/touch) without the need for sex or whatever comes closer to that than my hunger for ...

Fact is, I start to become lonely (I guess for the 1st time in my life) since my old friend in the old people's home died recently. I visited him every fucking night for those years. He was like me and he was like I want to remain the true, authentic, grumpy, lonely, misanthropic piece of shit that I am. Anything else exhausts me so our friendship worked for all those years. No taboo or hardly any and we talked until the morning sky was lighting up....

 

[LivingLies]

He looks in my eyes telling me he loves me and he never wants me to leave him.

He doesn't understand, I don't expect him to. I try to tell him how I feel but then he still pushes me , still expects too much .... doesn't appreciate how ill I feel

I still don't deserve him and he doesn't deserve the mess that I am

 

[Cansado]

I finished my relationship for 1 year and 2 months for about 3 weeks. She was a person I loved very much. And I never hid my problems from her. Depression, anxiety, craving for ctb. She always knew everything. In many moments she supported me, but many times I was in crisis and needed her care I received contempt. It made me feel useless many times.
But I do not blame her for anything. I know how difficult it was for her to live with my anxiety, my lack of will to live, my mood swings, my seemingly unreasonable cries, my pessimism.

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

I've head various brief attempts at relationships and I hate it when I am in one. It's like I have to put up a show all the time. All human interactions require some sort of faking and I think romantic relationships require it the most. It disgusts me, it annoys me and it bores me. I want to remain the true, authentic, grumpy, lonely, misanthropic piece of shit that I am. Anything else exhausts me.

If I could give you a humungous bear-hug, I would, while dodging your fists and fangs. :)

Me too. I've already deep problems with my neighbours below complaining about me making too much noise at night. It's a curse to think about every little move you make in the dark hours. I even lost the guts to spontaneously pee... I'm thinking about an anonymous tip to authority cause they "almost live together" and that is not allowed if getting money from the state.

I like you. :) I feel the SAAAAAAAAAME way. I don't even wear shoes indoors or slippers with soles. I tip-toe around b/c I live in an old building with creaking wooden floors. And I feel really guilty flushing the toilet at night. I don't want to upset my downstairs neighbors... And I don't feel bad about doing these things because it would make my life MUCH easier if other people were similar. But noooooo. You get the neighbors with dogs chained up outside that bark ALL. NIGHT. LONG. Or the teens who love switching out their cars'/trucks' custom exhaust systems with SUPER LOUD fire-cracker modified systems and then driving up and down the street between 11PM and 4AM. And the bikers who think it's cool to sit on their Harley Davidsons revving right outside your window as long as they can so everyone notices them. Or the neighbor who's up at 5AM with the industrial strength leaf-blower... If I could find someplace quiet and peaceful to live, I wouldn't bother anyone. I'd just die there out of sight quietly.

No rant at all. If I'm honest I have the same but more a bite like seeing someone now and then and be there for each other as well. But most guys want to live together and have sex whenever they wish. FUK! There was only one guy in my life who could be next to me without having that insatiable hunger ... such a relief! We slept next to each other without that thing (although we could intensely kiss) ... I also felt totally relaxed with him. He also loved being with me.. so it wasn't one-sidedness at all. Even these days (10 years later) he makes it clear he misses me while he's in a relationship for many many years (he couldn't show up with someone 15 yrs his senior back then). But the fact he does doesn't bring me comfort. I do not want to be a third wheel or lack any true reality. Dreaming is over. But well it wasn't about sex and that's what I love and it's such a rarity. I could express my hunger for deep intimacy (kiss/touch) without the need for sex or whatever comes closer to that than my hunger for ...

Fact is, I start to become lonely (I guess for the 1st time in my life) since my old friend in the old people's home died recently. I visited him every fucking night for those years. He was like me and he was like I want to remain the true, authentic, grumpy, lonely, misanthropic piece of shit that I am. Anything else exhausts me so our friendship worked for all those years. No taboo or hardly any and we talked until the morning sky was lighting up....

We could talk for hours. The rare experiences I've had with the shadow of intimacy, it's been ONLY about sex. I'm no prude, but it was a massive disappointment coming to terms with the hook-up age. And if you start to talk with/to someone else, it's over. You're boring. And you (and your friend who recently died--my condolences) are right: it takes a LOT of energy to be the person others NEED (not even just want) you to be. Especially as you get to know yourself better and realize you CANNOT fake it...

In many moments she supported me, but many times I was in crisis and needed her care I received contempt. It made me feel useless many times.

Yes x 100...

 

[Cansado]

I finished my relationship for 1 year and 2 months for about 3 weeks. She was a person I loved very much. And I never hid my problems from her. Depression, anxiety, craving for ctb. She always knew everything. In many moments she supported me, but many times I was in crisis and needed her care I received contempt. It made me feel useless many times.
But I do not blame her for anything. I know how difficult it was for her to live with my anxiety, my lack of will to live, my mood swings, my seemingly unreasonable cries, my pessimism.

Now I'm barely thinking about all this :(

 

[Cookiedough8956]

I just feel as if i have to do it. I can't continue being this way; hate fucking living.
unfortunately my bf couldn't fill the gap. Not a surprise, no one and nothing else can at this point.