a plan I wish would work

[rabbithole]

I want to ctb in my bed. I've been planning for a while now to use sn in the car in a parking lot but the drive there is going to give my si time to kick in. if I could do it while my parents are out in my bed i feel like I'd be able to beat the si. problem is I absolutely cannot fail and absolutely cannot have my parents finding my body. only option...attempt to call 911 before I black out and hope they take too long / can't figure out what is wrong so the sn has time to work. even if the paramedics are outside the door when my parents get back they'll be some emotional priming rather than just the shock of finding me dead.

f. I have no idea how people beat their si. Just looking at my mom makes me want to stay on this earth but I'm in such emotional and physical anguish I cannot do it. Not knowing how much worse my life will get as I age and my parents pass. I can't wait to ctb either because mentally I am deteriorating down to nothing. I barely speak and don't take care of myself anymore. man wtf. I'm just ranting, I'm sorry. I post a whole lot. I'm just so lost. I never would've guessed this would become my life before 9/16/19.

 

[Thanatonaut]

I never would've guessed this would become my life before 9/16/19.

What was on 9/16/19?

 

[justsad&done]

I'm so sorry you are suffering so much. And although I don't know your story and I am sure we are very different, I can relate to wanting to CTB at home but not wanting to cause additional pain and trauma for my family. I fear that it is inevitable if you do it at home though -- the image will always be there.
I too know the exact date that my entire world fell apart -- it is very hard to accept -- it's like the end of the old me.
Hugs

 

[rabbithole]

What was on 9/16/19?

I went to the ER with a headache, my GP told me to have a lumbar puncture there in case I had MS or another autoimmune issue because I could not get rid of this headache for a month. Tongue was going numb too and vision was weird. A resident performed the LP, never told me she had only done one before until after. She damaged my spinal cord and left me incontinent, no sensation in my groin or butt from the nerve damage, and with a disease called arachnoiditis. One of the most painful diseases known. I already was in therapy for a decade before this every week.

I'm so sorry you are suffering so much. And although I don't know your story and I am sure we are very different, I can relate to wanting to CTB at home but not wanting to cause additional pain and trauma for my family. I fear that it is inevitable if you do it at home though -- the image will always be there.
I too know the exact date that my entire world fell apart -- it is very hard to accept -- it's like the end of the old me.
Hugs

Exactly. The old me is gone. When I dream I am vibrant again and talking about things I was passionate about. When I wake up I'm dropped back into a nightmare.

I'm sorry you're here as well. Truly.

 

[Thanatonaut]

I went to the ER with a headache, my GP told me to have a lumbar puncture there in case I had MS or another autoimmune issue because I could not get rid of this headache for a month. Tongue was going numb too and vision was weird. A resident performed the LP, never told me she had only done one before until after. She damaged my spinal cord and left me incontinent, no sensation in my groin or butt from the nerve damage, and with a disease called arachnoiditis. One of the most painful diseases known. I already was in therapy for a decade before this every week.

I am so sorry. I am quite familiar with it from all my interactions with other chronic pain patients in my fights to keep my pain treatment. Chronic pain is the absolute worst. It's more than just the pain. It sucks your energy, your very will to exist. And it's impossible to get help anymore.

 

[rabbithole]

I am so sorry. I am quite familiar with it from all my interactions with other chronic pain patients in my fights to keep my pain treatment. Chronic pain is the absolute worst. It's more than just the pain. It sucks your energy, your very will to exist. And it's impossible to get help anymore.

Thank you. I am so sorry you deal with chronic pain as well. It does suck away your will to exist. Plus the "saddle anesthesia" and the incontinence are so uncomfortable.
You probably know more about arachnoiditis than most doctors. They treat it like an urban myth because they cause it.

 

[Thanatonaut]

Thank you. I am so sorry you deal with chronic pain as well. It does suck away your will to exist. Plus the "saddle anesthesia" and the incontinence are so uncomfortable.
You probably know more about arachnoiditis than most doctors. They treat it like an urban myth because they cause it.

Right. They wanted to subject me to injections just for the money, and they threatened my pain meds if I didn't comply. I gave them a stern dressing down about how I'm not letting them give me arachnoiditis just for an inadequate supply of hydro 5's. (BTW it takes about 2-3 oxy 30's to knock down the pain I have. And I haven't had any since Nov 2nd.)

 

[rabbithole]

Right. They wanted to subject me to injections just for the money, and they threatened my pain meds if I didn't comply. I gave them a stern dressing down about how I'm not letting them give me arachnoiditis just for an inadequate supply of hydro 5's. (BTW it takes about 2-3 oxy 30's to knock down the pain I have. And I haven't had any since Nov 2nd.)

Oh man. I'm glad you know about the real risks. So many people have no idea what they're gambling with when they get those injections. I wish I had known before. I'd never heard of arachnoiditis before. It took me a year to get diagnosed even though I knew what it was last October and I told the hospital I needed corticosteroids. They told me there's no way it's Arachnoiditis. I ended up in a psych ward for two months because I was so suicidal.
That's crazy you don't have proper pain management. It's such a joke. It's bad enough you're in pain but now you have to fight like hell to get the medication you need. Chronic pain is lethal...it drives people to suicide all the time.

 

[Thanatonaut]

Oh man. I'm glad you know about the real risks. So many people have no idea what they're gambling with when they get those injections. I wish I had known before. I'd never heard of arachnoiditis before. It took me a year to get diagnosed even though I knew what it was last October and I told the hospital I needed corticosteroids. They told me there's no way it's Arachnoiditis. I ended up in a psych ward for two months because I was so suicidal.
That's crazy you don't have proper pain management. It's such a joke. It's bad enough you're in pain but now you have to fight like hell to get the medication you need. Chronic pain is lethal...it drives people to suicide all the time.

I had a "pact" so to speak with 7 other chronic pain patients that we would make sure to tell each other's stories if we fell to CTB. There's 2 of us left. BTW, I never mention this site anywhere, so I have no idea if any of them are/were here.

 

[painoflife]

I'm sorry you are in so much pain to have to consider CTB. That sounds like such a terrible way to have got to where you are

 

[Pookie]

So sorry you're dealing with this. Places like Dignitas or Pegasos Swiss Association would probably give you the green light for assisted suicide with N which is such a peaceful method, but it's unfortunately expensive and inaccessible for many. Terrible that you have to be driven to these desperate measures. I suppose SN isn't the most violent method but wish there was a cure for chronic pain so that chronic pain sufferers wouldn't have to ctb to find peace.