This is my first thread.
Ive always thought about ctb, ever since i was seven years old. My mom and dad are drug addicts, they quit for like a year until they decided meth was more important than any family relationships. They went to jail when I was in the 6th grade, and I got put with my aunt and uncle. My aunt mentally abused me, making me feel like trash just because my parents got arrested and I was 12 and couldn't handle the big emotions that i was feeling. Lucky for me I have been self harming since the 5th grade. I've always had it in my back pocket. Ive been a regular self harmer since then.
Fast forwards to 2023 in February. I met an amazing guy who understood what id gone through. We clicked so well. Like any couple, we had our issues. In October of 2024 we had broken up because we couldnt understand each other. We both regret it. We still talk but we're both too mentally ill right now to date again. I'm beyond crushed. I think about him every day. No one will ever be him and it has been my tipping point.
I've gone to the mental hospital, and got out the 5th of November because i was going to ctb and I was scared. I ended up getting fired from my job because of it and failed to find one since, Ive been trying.
Now that im out im on medication. For a couple weeks after I felt alive, happy, i was interacting with everyone more than i had in the past 3 months. That was until a couple weeks ago my mental health took a turn for the worst.
Ive been abusing sleeping pills because i would rather sleep my days away. Not only that, i purposely take too much to overdose. The feeling of my body being too heavy, being numb, being too drugged out of my mind to do anything, I love it. It makes me feel bad physically so I don't have to think about literally anything. I also take it with my prescribed medication. I use it to make my days go away faster. I can sit in bed for days at a time only getting up to use the bathroom or get water.
Ive been suicidal too. My prozac makes me feel weird. Like keeps me from feeling hate deep in my chest, but increased my depression and all of that.
Recently Ive been thinking about how to ctb. I dont have any readily available options. Originally i was going to take sleeping pills to sedate myself and tie a bag over my head. I would still be willing to try it, im just scared of what happens when people die. I don't care how it'll impact those around me, Ive had more than enough of this place, but whenever I get close to going through, im scared. Im mostly scared of what happens after. No one really knows. Im not religious but was raised Christian so I think I have a little bit of religious trauma there. Im broke and can't afford N or what they call it on here.
If anyone could give me helpful tips on how to curb my fear, I would appreciate it.
Ive always thought about ctb, ever since i was seven years old. My mom and dad are drug addicts, they quit for like a year until they decided meth was more important than any family relationships. They went to jail when I was in the 6th grade, and I got put with my aunt and uncle. My aunt mentally abused me, making me feel like trash just because my parents got arrested and I was 12 and couldn't handle the big emotions that i was feeling. Lucky for me I have been self harming since the 5th grade. I've always had it in my back pocket. Ive been a regular self harmer since then.
Fast forwards to 2023 in February. I met an amazing guy who understood what id gone through. We clicked so well. Like any couple, we had our issues. In October of 2024 we had broken up because we couldnt understand each other. We both regret it. We still talk but we're both too mentally ill right now to date again. I'm beyond crushed. I think about him every day. No one will ever be him and it has been my tipping point.
I've gone to the mental hospital, and got out the 5th of November because i was going to ctb and I was scared. I ended up getting fired from my job because of it and failed to find one since, Ive been trying.
Now that im out im on medication. For a couple weeks after I felt alive, happy, i was interacting with everyone more than i had in the past 3 months. That was until a couple weeks ago my mental health took a turn for the worst.
Ive been abusing sleeping pills because i would rather sleep my days away. Not only that, i purposely take too much to overdose. The feeling of my body being too heavy, being numb, being too drugged out of my mind to do anything, I love it. It makes me feel bad physically so I don't have to think about literally anything. I also take it with my prescribed medication. I use it to make my days go away faster. I can sit in bed for days at a time only getting up to use the bathroom or get water.
Ive been suicidal too. My prozac makes me feel weird. Like keeps me from feeling hate deep in my chest, but increased my depression and all of that.
Recently Ive been thinking about how to ctb. I dont have any readily available options. Originally i was going to take sleeping pills to sedate myself and tie a bag over my head. I would still be willing to try it, im just scared of what happens when people die. I don't care how it'll impact those around me, Ive had more than enough of this place, but whenever I get close to going through, im scared. Im mostly scared of what happens after. No one really knows. Im not religious but was raised Christian so I think I have a little bit of religious trauma there. Im broke and can't afford N or what they call it on here.
If anyone could give me helpful tips on how to curb my fear, I would appreciate it.
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