loslassen
call me jvne
- Dec 8, 2023
- 161
I've been recently going through a much shorter cycle (day lasting instead of weeks or months) of between feeling grateful and blessed, accompanied and content to then remembering the severity of my life situation and the impact it has on me, which is easy to forget with distractions, company and love.
I used to be someone who pushed people away a lot, and for about a year, I've been able to open up in general and count on people, talk to them, reaching out improved my mental state, and made me realize that I had been behaving pretty pessimistic. with the people around me that love me, I was able to have a much more positive outlook on life, until I got bad news, disillusionment and I relapsed into suicidal ideation. a couple months ago this year I was ready to give it up, I had finally made my goodbye letters, but I didn't because a week prior I had received some, life saving miracle worthy news. All I had to do, was wait. And so I did, I wait for the promised dates and their arrival, for the changes and, they never came.
things only really worsened, I haven't had gas or water for months, having to eat microwaved food and get water from public faucets, wearing dirty clothes and holding it in until i can go to a bathroom. my chronic illness has been worsening alongside its symptoms.
and yet, I didn't let these things beat me down, because while my life crumbles away, I'm learning to value the blessings that are my friends and the kind things they do for me, their love and company. I'm engaged now, my long distance partner wants to give me the world, and he's trying to get his shit together so he'll be able to, but he's also just as young and resourceless of solutions as I am, and so far away. I want to see him and be with him, and maybe then nothing else will matter or hurt.
and this breaks my heart. because they can only help so much. my life isn't getting any better, and i'm feeling more and more ready and willing to die, i'm not even desperate anymore, just in so, so much pain.
" I keep hearing about how things will get better
and I keep believing
but the strain and the pain, they tighten around my neck, blurring the lines and someday I won't realize it's a real cord around my frame. "
maybe i'll make this my signature.
I used to be someone who pushed people away a lot, and for about a year, I've been able to open up in general and count on people, talk to them, reaching out improved my mental state, and made me realize that I had been behaving pretty pessimistic. with the people around me that love me, I was able to have a much more positive outlook on life, until I got bad news, disillusionment and I relapsed into suicidal ideation. a couple months ago this year I was ready to give it up, I had finally made my goodbye letters, but I didn't because a week prior I had received some, life saving miracle worthy news. All I had to do, was wait. And so I did, I wait for the promised dates and their arrival, for the changes and, they never came.
things only really worsened, I haven't had gas or water for months, having to eat microwaved food and get water from public faucets, wearing dirty clothes and holding it in until i can go to a bathroom. my chronic illness has been worsening alongside its symptoms.
and yet, I didn't let these things beat me down, because while my life crumbles away, I'm learning to value the blessings that are my friends and the kind things they do for me, their love and company. I'm engaged now, my long distance partner wants to give me the world, and he's trying to get his shit together so he'll be able to, but he's also just as young and resourceless of solutions as I am, and so far away. I want to see him and be with him, and maybe then nothing else will matter or hurt.
and this breaks my heart. because they can only help so much. my life isn't getting any better, and i'm feeling more and more ready and willing to die, i'm not even desperate anymore, just in so, so much pain.
" I keep hearing about how things will get better
and I keep believing
but the strain and the pain, they tighten around my neck, blurring the lines and someday I won't realize it's a real cord around my frame. "
maybe i'll make this my signature.
